Looking for signs your wife cheated on you in the past can stir up a hornet’s nest. At the same time, it’s not easy living with the niggling suspicion of infidelity. A part of you will always wonder if she will feel emboldened to rekindle an old affair or begin a new one because you suspect she got away with it once. These doubts and questions can eat away at your marriage. That’s why it’s best to face your worst fears and work through them rather than sweep them under the carpet and go through life constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
In this article, we will not just let you know how to find out the signs she cheated in the past but also give you some actionable tips to address the impact of such affairs, with insights from counselor Ruchi Ruuh (Postgraduate Diploma in Counseling Psychology), who specializes in counseling for issues related to dating, infidelity, marital conflict, and divorce.
Can I Tell If My Wife Cheated In The Past?
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Do you often wonder, “Has my wife cheated on me in the past and not told me about it?” This brings us to the question of, is it even possible to be certain of your wife’s infidelity without asking her about it. Well, yes and no. “While you may not be able to say for sure that your wife has betrayed your trust, given that you have been in an intimate relationship with her (for some time, it’s safe to assume), your gut instinct will warn you if something is amiss. More often than not, this gut feeling is right,” says Ruchi.
This brings us to another pertinent question, if your wife has cheated in the past, should you dredge it up or let sleeping dogs lie? The answer can be found in the current state of your marriage. If your wife shows signs she cheated in the past but has buried the affair, has moved on, and is giving 100% to your relationship now, then there is no point in thinking about what transpired. But if you have serious concerns about your relationship and feel that your wife had an affair that has ruined your connection for good, you can look for the subtle signs your wife cheated on you in the past.
Related Reading: 11 Smart Ways To Catch A Cheating Wife
12 Not-So-Obvious Signs Your Wife Cheated On You In The Past
The signs of a cheating wife, no matter how subtle, are far easier to spot when she is actively engaging in such transgressions. However, if she’s slept with someone else a long time ago and you’re looking for the signs your wife cheated on you in the past, things can get tricky. After all, there are no behavioral changes that can alert you to her infidelity, no activities, and no phones to track. That’s when how to know if your wife has cheated in the past becomes a real quandary. Allow us to help with this rundown of the signs your wife had an affair in the past:
1. Her social media behavior changed
Wondering, how to tell if your wife is lying about her past because she has been unfaithful to you? It may be time to give your memory a jog and think back if there was a period in recent years when her social media behavior changed drastically. See if you remember noticing any of these signs:
- Your wife could have been the kind of person who was always clicking couple selfies and putting them up on social media. Then, suddenly, she stopped putting your photos out there
- She deactivated her old profile and made a new one with new photos where you never featured
- Once very active on Instagram and Facebook, she disappeared from social media altogether, telling you she needed a digital detox
This is a clue that your wife has probably cheated in the past. She was perhaps not comfortable showing off those lovey-dovey photos to the world when she was mentally and physically involved with someone else.
Related Reading: We Had A Loyal Relationship But My Wife Was Diagnosed With An STD
2. She was stressed and distracted
There could have been a phase where she was perpetually stressed and distracted. When you asked her, she probably told you that it was a lack of work-life balance. If she had been the kind who hasn’t been that affected by work pressure but suddenly became stressed and distracted over a certain period, it could have been because of an affair. The affair partner could have been at the workplace or elsewhere, but all the stress could have been part of the signs of cheating wife guilt. This is a subtle clue to take note of if you’re wondering how to know if your wife has cheated in the past.
3. She showed changes in patterns of physical intimacy
Want to know how to tell if your wife is lying about her past or is keeping an affair under wraps? Ruchi says, “Any change in the pattern of intimacy, be it an increase or decrease in sexual activity, can be a hint that your wife may have been up to some mischief.
“Though this change cannot be exclusively attributed to cheating when accompanied by other red flags, you can be sure she may have cheated in the past.” Some such signs are:
- She may have suddenly become too generous in bed, which can be one of the signs of cheating wife guilt
- She may have, in the past, suddenly tried new sex positions and kinks, that she may have learned from an affair partner
- She may have been avoiding physical intimacy all of a sudden, and later gone back to regular sex (when the affair ended)
Related Reading: 15 Shocking Things Cheaters Say When Confronted
4. You saw her creating new social circles
If your wife has recently made a conscious effort to change her social circle or is not hanging out with her usual friends anymore, it could be a major sign she has cheated in the past. Ruchi says, “Women who have cheated may form newer social circles that they were never a part of earlier in an attempt to create an alternative space free of judgment, as an alibi, or as a genuinely developing interest in new activities.”
5. She kept a tab on your timings
It’s natural for spouses to want to be informed about each other’s whereabouts and schedules. But was there a time when your wife started taking a little too much interest in where you were or when you’d be home? Perhaps, at the time, you thought that this was because she was suspecting you of having an affair. And maybe in the interest of reassuring her that she has nothing to worry about, you happily gave her regular updates about your comings and goings.
Related Reading: 18 Promising Tips To Survive Infidelity In A Relationship — For The Betrayer And The Betrayed
But when you look back now, you may realize she was doing it to keep a tab on your movements, to escape being found out. This is one of the clearest signs your wife cheated on you in the past and one that’s so easy to overlook.
Jeff, a 40-year-old teacher, wrote to us about his wife, Brenda, and her cheating ways: “Brenda was a homemaker, and for a few months, she was extremely interested in knowing when exactly I would be getting back home. Plus, she would always be fresh out of the shower when I arrived home. At other times, she would reach home minutes before I did, citing some errands. Now that I think of it, I feel she may have had someone else in her life.”
6. Her grooming habits changed suddenly
Ruchi says, “When you look back and find your wife’s grooming habits had changed sometime back, all of a sudden, you know she’d probably been in an affair.” Raymond, a 35-year-old businessman, had a similar experience. He says, “My wife has always been one to dress casually and would be super comfortable in denim and T-shirts when she went out. All of a sudden, she had started investing in LBDs and high heels when she “went out with her friends”. She practically turned into a dashing fashionista overnight. Then, it all stopped just as abruptly as it had begun.
“She justified her change of style to personal growth. She said she felt dignified dressing that way. While this change never bothered me, when I look at her now, I realize that she is back to her T-shirts and jeans and wonder if it was all an attempt to get a man’s attention. Has my wife cheated on me in the past?””
7. She joked about being on a dating app
Did your wife, at some point, make jokes about wanting to try out Tinder or Bumble? Or was there a time when she seemed pretty current with the latest trends on dating apps? Chances are, she’s already on one. Of course, this may have made you suspicious even back when these incidents happened, however, she may have brushed them off saying she heard about these latest dating app trends, features, or functionalities from her single friends.
While you may have believed her back then, I want you to take a moment to think about why her friends would discuss the functionality of dating apps in such great detail with a person who has no use for them. The answer to how to know if your wife has cheated in the past lies in paying attention to the finer details. You will realize her stories are not as innocuous as she makes them out to be.
Related Reading: How Can I Fall In Love With Someone Else When I Am Happily Married?
8. She got defensive at the smallest of inquisition
Picture this: your wife gets home and you ask her how her day has been, and she retorts with a sarcastic reply, asking why you’re so interested. And it leaves you confused about what you did to warrant such a reaction from her. Does it sound relatable? Was there a time in your marriage when your wife got defensive at the smallest of things? Chances are, she had been cheating on you back then.
Ruchi says, “Defensiveness is one of the most telling characteristics of a cheating woman. If you ask them simple questions, such as, “Where are you going out with friends tonight?”, they might give you overly critical responses or be very moody. They may counter-question you, asking, “Why do you want to know?” This is a clear red flag you must try to think back to, in case you’re wondering how to know if your wife has cheated in the past.”
9. Her stories don’t add up
If you’ve been trying to figure out how to know if your wife has cheated in the past, revisiting old stories or past events where you might’ve felt she was lying can be a great starting point. Let’s say, she took a day trip with her friends a year back. Back then, she had told you she was part of a girl gang of four, but when you bring it up now, she says there were six of them. It’s likely you’ve just caught her in more than just a white lie.
Ruchi adds a few more instances to the list:
- She tries to cover up incidents of unexplained disappearances with ridiculous lies, saying things like she was caught up at a friend’s place because she was ill but you catch her lies when you ask her friend about the same
- She changes narratives every now and then when you ask her about her whereabouts or activities. You may find her telling you she got late talking to an old friend, while later, she may say that she was caught in the rains
If such incidents of stories not matching up have happened a lot in the past, you know she may have been hiding an affair.
Related Reading: We’re newly married but have several issues. What shall I do?
10. She has new routines
Ruchi says, “A sign your wife may have cheated on you in the past is the fact that she developed new routines all of a sudden.” Here are a few instances:
- She might’ve started going for walks all of a sudden
- You may have found her phone engaged for hours
- She may have spent time at the gym at odd hours or may have changed her gym schedule
- She may have suddenly started staying back late at work
11. An emotional distance crept into your marriage
Becoming emotionally distant is another one of the key characteristics of a cheating woman. Ruchi explains, “Women have more emotional affairs. When that happens, a woman may suddenly disconnect from her partner. She may stop sharing as much as she used to, be less concerned about your feelings, and not invest emotional energy and instead appear preoccupied.”
If you have experienced something similar at any point in your marriage without any plausible reason for such a shift, it could have well been because someone else had your wife’s affection and interest at the time.
Cathy, a 44-year-old accountant, says, “I cheated on my ex with a coworker. It was purely emotional. But the more I got emotionally attached to my coworker, the less emotionally engaged I was with my ex. I would avoid deep conversations and even hugs and cuddles. We eventually broke up after he sensed I was having an affair.” Thus, emotional distance is a clue if you’re confused about how to know if your wife has cheated in the past.
Related Reading: Has Your Husband Checked Out Emotionally? 12 Signs Of a Failing Marriage
12. Gifts she had a hard time explaining
The answer to how to know if your wife has cheated in the past may be in personal effects that don’t align with her personality. Ruchi says, “You may have found something extremely personal or expensive given by someone she claims is a friend or coworker.” It could be an expensive perfume or watch, or even jewelry that she normally wouldn’t buy or wear.
Damian, a 38-year-old IT consultant from Texas, says, “I found my wife acting weird all of a sudden. She started flaunting new eyewear. And this was strange because she wasn’t the sort to experiment with her glasses. She had the same frame on for like 5 years, and suddenly, she was flaunting a couple of trendy and expensive frames.
“When I asked her about them, she casually shrugged and said a friend had gifted them to her, but it appeared strange. Two months later, I discovered colored contact lenses too, and a month later, she confessed she had had an affair behind my back.”
How To Cope If You Learn Your Wife Has Cheated In The Past
“I had a hunch that my wife had an affair after our marriage, but never really knew how to ask her about it. One day, we met up with an old friend. She broke down later that night, coming clean about having slept with him days after we got married,” Jonathan, a 34-year-old reader from Oklahoma, wrote to us.
“Immediately after her confession, it felt like things were over between us. It took a lot of forgiveness, communication and rebuilding trust to be able to work past that. It’s been three years since her confession, and I feel more secure with her now than I ever did,” he added.
If you’ve found out your wife has cheated on you before, moving on will be an uphill battle. But, if both of you are committed to making it work and fixing the relationship, a past fling or short-term affair won’t be difficult to overcome. Let’s take a look at how you can overcome this difficult phase:
1. Let yourself feel your emotions
When you realize that your wife may have cheated on you, the world around you may come crashing down. You may be devastated, dejected, and alone. Ruchi says, “Be it anger, betrayal, or confusion, let yourself feel what you’re feeling after you get to know your wife had an affair. You may be trying to connect the dots of past incidents, re-evaluating some incidents of disappearance, or overthinking. Just feel your emotions and process them.”
During the process, you’ve also got a very important decision to make. Should you stay or leave the marriage? Ruchi points out a few questions you should ask yourself:
- Is this something you can forgive, or do you need to walk out right away?
- Are there too many positive aspects that outweigh the negatives in the relationship?
2. Communicate with your partner
Once your wife’s cheating ways are clear, focus on open and honest communication. In other words, talk to her. Ruchi recommends here is how you should go about it:
- Talk to your wife about how committed she is to change
- Find out more details about why she did what she did, what exactly happened, and how it happened
- Ask her if there were any unmet needs and if those can be addressed
- Has cheating been a pattern with your partner, and if yes, does she really wish to salvage the relationship and make amends?
Related Reading: Communication Problems In Relationships – 11 Ways To Overcome
3. Seek professional help
The fact that she cheated on you means there’s a lot of work to be done on the relationship. Ruchi says, “Couples therapy can pave a path toward a happier relationship. If you’re unable to process it on your own, open up to a licensed therapist for an unbiased ear.
“Introducing a third perspective, one that’s impartial and trained in helping couples reach a better place in the relationship may just be the solution you need. Plus, professionals can help you navigate complex emotions and detangle them better.” If you’re considering seeking help but don’t know where to begin, skilled and experienced mental health professionals on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
4. Set boundaries
If you wish to fix your relationship with your wife after infidelity and prevent further incidents of cheating, you need to create strong boundaries in the relationship. Ruchi advises, “Both partners have to be open about the rules and regulations in the relationship, to make it less complicated. Only then will they help you regain transparency, reliability, and honesty in the relationship.” Here are some tips:
- Check in with each other regularly about pent-up feelings
- Encourage more honesty about your activities and whereabouts and those of your partner’s
- Maintain some rules on the usage of phones beyond a certain time. For instance, you can include the ‘no phone in the bedroom’ rule
Related Reading: Drawing The Line Between Love And Privacy In A Relationship
5. Rebuild self-esteem
One of the most crucial ways to cope with your wife’s infidelity is to rebuild the self-worth that you may have lost. Ruchi explains, “Your partner’s cheating ways can take its toll on your mental health and destroy your self-confidence.” Here are some ways you can rebuild self-worth after finding out signs she cheated in the past:
- Focus on things that matter to you such as your interests or your career
- Discover self-worth by taking up a new hobby to channel your energy and do something constructive
- Join clubs or go on trips and make new friends. Interact with people who rejuvenate you and make you realize your worth
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Can a man tell if a woman has cheated?
Yes, a man can tell if his partner has cheated. To be able to tell whether your wife has been with another man in the past and cheated on you, you have to revisit your past. Was there any phase in your marriage where your wife’s behavior was out of character? Perhaps, there were spells of unexplained absence. Did she become too distant and withdrawn? Maybe, there was a change in her personality, but after a while, things went back to normal. If you spot a host of such patterns, there is a high possibility that she was cheating on you during that time.
2. What are the signs of a guilty wife?
Being too evasive when asked about her whereabouts, being overly protective of her phone or personal devices, unexplained spells of absence, a sudden spike in social interactions with friends or coworkers, being emotionally withdrawn, and showing a lack of interest in physical intimacy are some signs she cheated in the past.
Key Pointers
- For some, their gut feeling could be enough to find out if their wife has cheated on them in the past
- How do you know your wife cheated on you earlier? Well, some of the signs are: creating new social circles, changes in intimacy patterns, and being too defensive
- Some ways to deal when you find out signs your wife cheated on you in the past: Process your emotions, seek professional help, and rebuild self-esteem
Final Thoughts
Knowing about the obvious signs your wife cheated on you in the past isn’t the most pleasant piece of information to come by. Once you think all the signs are pointing in one direction, understanding what you must do after such a revelation becomes important.
Hopefully, with the help of the signs we’ve listed out for you, you have some clarity on the question, “‘How do you know your wife cheated on you?” Now, you can begin your journey toward healing and rebuilding trust in your bond.
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