LGBTQ

What do you do when your partner is feeling horny but you aren’t?

What can you do if your partner is always in the mood for sex but you aren't? Here are some tips from a gay man, which will help women as well
sexy man with woman

People expect that gays have a lot of sex, but what if only one partner is horny?

Gay men’s popularity or notoriety is for having abundant sex with multiple partners. But then there are couples like us who are just as “normal” as any heterosexual monogamous couple. In our case, there are also days or nights when he’s horny but I am not, or vice versa. If you have wondered what to do as a woman when he is horny, a gay man’s advice will help you to better handle the scenario.

Related reading: When my husband is in the mood

1. Sometime you do it just for him

Doing each other favours in bed is just as regular as otherwise. If you think that you can please him this one time even if you are not in the mood, just go ahead and do it. What’s important here is that you should not tell him about the favour you are doing him. Just do it because you love him and only if it will not cause you any harm, not because you want to use this against him when having an argument. There are times when I am horny but my partner is not because of a long day work, yet he helps me to satisfy my urge. It is not necessarily intercourse; it could just be foreplay or as simple as jerking him off.

2. Watch porn together

If you think that you may feel unhappy after giving in to his wants, the best way to quench his “thirst” is to watch porn together.In some cases, the demonstration of the activity may start on you, but if you are smart you’ll navigate his energy on the video and just allow him to jerk off while you caress him gently. There have been nights when he has woken me up for sex, but then I was just too sleepy to think of sex. I figured if I watch porn with him and keep him interested in it, I’ll be able to escape such times. Luckily it worked for me. Ladies, you can try the same!

gay couple
Representative Image source

Related reading: Ask and you shall receive! A guide on why women should not shy away from sex

3. Rework your schedules

But just for how long can you do such things? After 8 months of not having sex, I realised that this was not helping. When I was horny, he wasn’t and when he was I wasn’t. I figured there was nothing wrong with either of us, it was just the timing. I started matching my timings to his by reworking on my daily timetable. For example, I started going to bed at the time he would, instead of walking into the bedroom alone. You can see what time suits both of you best.

4. What if one person is always horny

Sujeet has a very high libido and Adisha, his girlfriend, struggles to understand how to satisfy his “above normal” urge to have sex. She says, “I have tried everything, but there are times when I don’t wish to have sex and he always wants it. In fact today we have reached a place where we are friends but not dating each other anymore.”

When I asked Sujeet about how he deals with his horniness, he explains, “If I want to have sex, what’s the big deal? I want a girlfriend who is equally sexually active. With Adisha, after having spent 6 months together, I was told that she does not want to have sex as much as I want and that’s when we decided that we’ll be just friends. I go to see her often and we do have sex occasionally, but then we are no longer in a relationship.” From Sujeet’s story, I understood that there might even be a breakup involved when he’s horny but I ain’t.

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5. Introspect to find out why

If you keep giving him the excuse of being tired, then you need to really introspect and find out the real reason why you are always tired. Maybe you are not sleeping well, or there could be some stress or tension you are going through. It’s best in such cases to speak to him instead of snapping at him for being horny. There was a time when I used to always be tired and every time he wanted to have sex, I would turn my face away and ask him to cut it out. This started happening almost on a regular basis. When I went to my psychiatrist, I explained the problem and she said that it could be because of the anti-depressants I am taking. She changed the dosage and the medicine for me and in no time, we were making love consensually once again.

It is not always his fault for being horny. What I have learnt is that everyone is horny, but it is to be compared with the degree of libido of your partner and discover why there is a gap in his and your level.

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6 Comments

  1. i was in this situation for a long time ,he always refuse to touch me or kiss me, he barely have sex with me in months, most time i beg him for it, my instinct told me to hire a professional programmer to help me check out his activities,i consulted THEdarkhacker @ protonmail . com ,he later found out my husband was cheating and has a child outside. can you just imagine how things are right now in my home

  2. First things first, I congratulate Bonobology for bringing the LGBT discussion on the table of mainstream discussions. Now, coming to the topic -if this happens sometimes it is ok. However, if it is happening too often, take a pause and re-sync with your partner. Rekindle the love and try and preserve the passion because sex may not be everything in a relationship but it sure is a lot!

  3. It happens to all of us. Sometimes we are just not in the mood for sex. Sometimes, it is perfectly fine but if it happens every day, it’s not good for your relationship. And I feel even if you are not horny and he is; at times, just go for it, who knows, the night might turn out better(tried and tested :P). The degree obviously is not the same for everyone but to have a healthy sex life is a must!

  4. Okay what had me was the beginning. Why were we talking about gays when clearly there was a picture of a man and WOMAN.? I had to scrernshoot the picture and enlarge it to make sure I wasn’t bugging.

    The other thing is you NEVER tell your man No to sex. If you feel THAT Strongly about not wanting to do it, you tell him to give you a few minutes to get yourself together and you remove yourself to get your mind right if you have to.. To tell someone NO most times makes the other person feel undesired and the last thing you want to say is “it’s not you, it’s me” .

  5. First of all, I congratulate Bonobology for starting a conversation so important. Getting to understand and know about the LGBT community up and close will help people have a broad mind and acceptance. Now, coming to the topic. Yes,it may happen sometimes but if it is a regular thing, you need to rekindle and re-sync things. Physicality is not the most important part but it is quite significant!

  6. First of all Congratulations to Bonobology for bringing out real stories from all communities on the table. Getting to know and understanding about LGBT communities on such a personal level will give people an open approach towards homosexuality. Now, coming to this piece. I think I completely agree to all points debated here. Also, my input is that of it happens sometimes, it is only natural. But, if it becomes a regular thing, you need to rekindle and re-sync your relationship. Physical closeness is not the only foundation in a relationship but it is an important aspect.

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