In view of your impressive performance during the past eight months, I am pleased to offer you the position of my Valentine this year.
Should you accept this offer, your salary will continue to be 730 square meals per year payable in two daily installments. Also included are perks like 365 plates of breakfast and 745 cups of hot coffee. I shall continue to wash your soiled laundry and sew back your missing buttons. I trust that you will not refuse this generous offer as it comes mixed with a generous scoop of affection.
Knowing your inquisitive and analytical nature I shall now attempt explaining how this important decision was reached.
My Public Relations Officers noticed your advertisement for a post currently under much discussion within the Company (such as it was then) and responded. You replied promptly confirming your continuing availability. The occurrence of a portentous event precluded the scheduling of an interview as my senior PRO realised it would perhaps bring forth plenty of other suitable candidates for the opening in question. He wrote to you:
Dear Mr. S…,
We have decided to let our daughter follow her dreams and pursue a career in the U.S. We would not want to obstruct your own search for a suitable candidate. Please do not wait for us. Good bye and good luck!
As it transpired you were approached by several but – luckily for me! – apprarently you did not find any of them satisfactory.
My US job offer was confirmed but there were two months to go before I would leave. My second PRO rushed to your town and was delighted to find that you were still a confused, uh-um, confirmed bachelor. She returned home and filed this report:
“Six foot debonair gentleman; bespectacled; computer engineer; bachelor’s degree from this IIT; master’s degree from that IIT, returned to India after post-graduate fellowship in USA; owns his own computing firm; also owns a motorcycle!”
I fell in love instantly…with the motorcycle!
We then received your horoscope. Our constellations were a perfect match. I was now ready for a formal interview.
I was forced into wearing a pink Mysore silk sari with loads of jasmine flowers on my long braided hair. Professionally dressed to woo you, we marched into your apartment with confidence. There you were — shy, and very tall, with thick glasses! We had barely exchanged a few words, but our silent dialogue was fruitful because we ended up getting married.
We flitted around town as husband and wife on the ‘motorcycle’ – which turned out to be a scooter. You drove me to Bombay Sweets for dhokla and chutney and bought me fresh flowers every day.
The day came when I finally left for my job in the US with a heavy heart.
They were due to be married soon when she got a job offer, but she was shocked at his response.
We exchanged long-distance phone calls. Your letters were ‘educational’ with advanced chapters on planetary motion, written in your sweet attempts to instruct me on jet-lag, motion sickness and lack of sleep.
When overseas communication became tiresome, you decided to come to the US to your favorite student.
You were always very patient with me. You taught me driving with the help of that GPS system inside your head, and tolerated my cooking! You have always been a conservative listener, looking at me with blinking eyeballs, inquiring if I had actually said something. How sweet is that!
My Valentine Day’s job offer is reserved exclusively for you. Your employment is effective immediately and will not be terminated at any time, or for any reason. Feel free to talk to me over dinner should you have any questions about our company.
P.S. Please don’t forget to pick up some groceries for dinner this evening.
Forgetting to get groceries might not disappoint her, but forgetting her birthday surely will. Here are 10 ways to apologise to your wife for forgetting important dates.
Here’s the shopping list:
- A gallon of non-fat milk. This is to keep you fit, my dear.
- A bag of fresh green spinach. This is to keep you going, my dear.
- A box of ‘I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-butter’. This helps keep the diameter of a certain paunch under check.
- A heart-shaped box of pastel pink candy along with a nice card addressed to your precious Valentine. Sky blue won’t work this time!
Your loving wife
P.S. This heartfelt assurance is your medical insurance!Published in