Ah, the sacred union of two souls, the beautiful symphony of hearts becoming one, and the inevitable daily battle over who forgot to take out the trash. If you’re getting ready for this union to take place, you must be at the receiving end of a lot of unsolicited marriage advice. But not here. In this article, we only have funny marriage advice for newlyweds so you can ring in your marriage with a few joyful lessons.

We truly hope that love, laughter, bad mood, and the occasional snoring create the perfect storm of wedded bliss for you. Because here’s the deal: Married life is an endless sitcom, where you both are the quirky lead characters navigating life’s unpredictable episodes. From the bathroom harmony debate to compromising on TV choices, every day is an opportunity to find hilarity in the mundane.

So come forth, newly married couples! We’re serving a buffet of old fashioned marriage advice, funny quotes, and tips. Welcome to your humorous survival guide to marital mayhem.

Funny Marriage Advice for Newlyweds: 80 Pearls of Wisdom To Live By

Get ready to chuckle your way through this wild ride of love, quirks, and the occasional fights over stupid things, like slow internet connection, as we dive into some funny wedding quotes specially compiled for you. After all, a marriage without laughter is like a rom-com without the punchlines: You’re just left with the sappy stuff. Your journey to happily-ever-after is about to get seriously funny, backed by some humorous marriage advice! You’ll see that you can stay married AND in a good mood throughout. Let’s start.

Related Reading: 50 Questions To Ask Before Marriage — #20 Is A Must!

Fun Advice For Newlyweds

To help you navigate this exciting chapter of your lives, we’ve gathered a treasure trove of fun advice for newlyweds. We have some delightful tips and ideas that will add that extra sprinkle of magic to your sweet and funny marriage!

1. Secret snacking is the key to happiness

Late-night snack secrets will soon be out in the open, as you’ll both be found munching away at the kitchen table at 2 a.m. Now that’s a wholesome and funny marriage based on trust and hidden treats.

2. If you want your marriage to be an adventure, go ride a bike instead

From boredom to laziness, from mental health issues to irresponsible behavior, marriage is recommended for everything. But it’s not a hobby OR a cure. So think about it, regular bike rides or a lifelong commitment — which one do you really need? 

3. Garlic is dangerous for vampires… and for good night kisses

Here are some funny words of wisdom for newlyweds. Never underestimate the power of a good night kiss, unless one of you has recently indulged in garlic fries. But kiss anyway. 

4. A laugh a day keeps the lawyer away

This is one of the best tips for a happy marriage. Laughter keeps you connected and your hearts light as you navigate life together. Funny wedding advice can be profound too, if you really understand the subtext.

Related Reading: Why Is Marriage Important? Expert Lists 13 Reasons

5. IKEA to infinity

A funny marriage tip: If you can survive assembling IKEA furniture together, you’ve conquered one of life’s greatest challenges. Embrace the humor in overcoming assembly-induced frustration. May sound like silly marriage advice, but it will hold you in good stead.

6. When things become rocky, just rock-paper-scissors it

Looking for some funny rules for a happy marriage? Well, turn disputes into games with a round of ‘rock, paper, scissors’. You’ll find that every issue has a solution, even if it involves friendly competition.

7. DIY happy endings

Treat this as funny marriage advice for newlyweds or a serious rule for happiness, but the truth is that you can take so much pressure off each other through self-pleasure. Channel your inner hero and realize that you’re the main character of your own story. A happy ending is yours to create, with or without Prince Charming.

8. The weirder the habits, the stronger the marriage

A successful marriage is a blend of love, compromise, and pretending not to notice your partner’s quirky habits. Find the humor in their weirdness and you will be entertained for life. Now this is some marriage advice worth writing down (you are making notes, right?)

9. Cuddles are not weather-controlled

A thermostat might be the most wonderful invention for some because keeping the romance alive means secretly adjusting the thermostat for “cuddling weather.” It’s all about finding creative ways to keep each other close. This seemingly silly marriage advice will only bring you closer.

10. Always say “I love you,” and “I’m sorry” is a close second

Remember that these phrases are the foundation of your matrimonial vocabulary. Use them generously and sincerely. This, according to us, is the best piece of marriage advice that couples need to follow like the Holy Grail of a successful marriage. It’s easy, actionable, and most importantly, effective.

11. Balance the spiritual communion and the trash

Marriage is more than just spiritual communion; it’s also remembering to take out the trash. Joyce Brothers reminds us that the mundane is just as essential and also imparts some much-needed terribly funny advice on marriage.

Related Reading: 22 Tips To Survive The First Year Of Marriage

12. Choose wisely because divorces are expensive

Humorous marriage advice like this can be found in your social gossip circles as soon as you declare your intent to marry for love. The choices you make in a marriage will define whether you spend money on a world tour or a world-class divorce lawyer. Now this is a funny marriage advice that helps you stay married (for financial reasons).

13. Marriage is like a car battery…

It requires regular recharging to maintain its power. Keep the love alive by investing in each other’s happiness.

14. Marriage is a three-ring circus…

Marriage is a three-ring circus — Engagement ring, wedding ring, and the ultimate test of suffering. But don’t worry, at least you are in this together. These funny wedding quotes really do drive home the message, it’s up to you to interpret and implement it in the right spirit.

Related Reading: 11 Harsh Truths About Marriage No One Talks About

15. Love in the times of snoring

Pay attention, this is some funny marriage advice for newlyweds. Are you partnered with a snorer? All you can do then is enjoy the nocturnal symphony and look at their cute sleeping silhouette when you have the urge to pick up the pillow and just …. You know?

16. Slow internet does not mean slow commitment

There will be days when you can’t stand your beloved. And these will also be the days your internet decides to run like a snail. A slow internet connection may test your patience, but it’s also a testament to your commitment. Stay connected with your partner even when the virtual world moves at a crawl. Sounds like silly marriage advice, doesn’t it? But implement it in your married life, and your bond will be stronger for it.

17. You will think you have the better deal, but so do they

I call this piece of funny marriage advice for newlyweds the “better deal suspicion.” A healthy marriage involves partners secretly believing they got the better end of the deal. As long as neither of you has a Eureka moment, it is all good in the hood!

18. Sweet cuddles minimize nightmares

What I’m trying to say is that falling asleep together is the epitome of intimacy. Swap candlelit dinners for cozy moments, and cherish each other’s presence as you drift into dreams. Such funny marriage advice for newlyweds can help you build healthy habits as a couple.

Related Reading: 13 Benefits And 5 Struggles Of Marrying Your Best Friend

19. Go from couch comedians to kitchen crazies

Remember, you’re not just marrying each other, but also the odd collection of quirks you both bring to the relationship. Embrace the mutually satisfying weirdness as you both belt out Jackson Brown songs in the middle of the night.

20. Never stop holding hands, except when eating tacos

Speaking of humorous marriage advice, how about tackling a messy taco with one hand while holding hands with your special person? That’s an advanced level of intimacy.

Funny Marriage Advice For The Bride-To-Be

Trust us, you DO need a funny marriage too, and not just the one you send as a snapshot on Christmas cards. Women, especially, need a great sense of humor while listening to strangers tell them how they should be committed wives. Ready for some giggle-worthy marriage quotes to balance the incoming ‘concern’? Here we go:

21. When in doubt, blame the dog

Here is some funny marriage advice you want to keep handy, especially for women who like some late-night munching. Pets make excellent scapegoats for mysterious odors and missing snacks.

22. Accept that the toothpaste battle is never-ending

These are some truly funny words of wisdom for newlyweds. The toothpaste battle in a relationship argument you cannot avoid. Squeezers and rollers, may the odds be ever in your favor.

23. Learn the art of stealthy blanket tugging

Blanket wars are real, but silent victories are the best. Heed such funny wedding advice to learn how not to sweat the small stuff.

24. Pillow fights are encouraged, but only with decorative pillows

Keep the feathery chaos under control. Not just funny marriage advice for newlyweds, but also extremely practical.

25. Learn selective listening

You don’t have to hear every single play-by-play of his fantasy football league drama. Nod and say, “That’s interesting.”

Related Reading: What Is The Role Of A Husband In A Modern Relationship?

26. Celebrate unimportant anniversaries

The day you first discovered a shared interest in cheesy action movies deserves recognition too. Celebrate the “little” milestones. The best piece of marriage advice that will keep you boat afloat when marriage hits rocky waters.

27. Create a no-judgment pact for karaoke nights

Unleash your inner rock stars and belt out your favorite tunes. Judgment-free, but dog howling is fair game.

28. Play games like ‘Who can fold laundry faster?’ 

Take our funny marriage advice on sharing household chores, and turn mundane tasks into friendly competitions. Just remember to finish folding before the clothes wrinkle.

Related Reading: 10 Tips To Develop Emotional Intimacy In A Marriage

29. Master the art of decoding “I’m fine”

Sometimes, this phrase translates to “prepare for a storm.” Decode with care.

30. Embark on cooking adventures with mismatched ingredients

Have you found yourself a man who cooks? Challenge him to make a meal from whatever’s in the fridge.

31. Motivational trick

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Anne Bancroft

32. Declare ‘PJ and popcorn’ days as official holidays

Sometimes, the best plan is to have no plan — just movie date night at home and comfy clothes. And that truly is the finest funny marriage advice you will receive.

33. Master the “death stare”

Practice a look that says, “Really?” It’s your best weapon when he forgets to take out the trash—again.

34. Keep a snack stash

Always have emergency snacks in your purse. Hangry arguments in a relationship or marriage can be avoided with a sneaky chocolate bar.

35. Claim your blanket territory

Before saying “I do,” establish yourself as the dominant blanket owner. It’s a battle you don’t want to lose later.

36. Teach him the art of pillow placement

Men rarely understand decorative pillows. Teach him their importance—one throw pillow at a time.

37. Embrace his weird hobbies

He might love collecting weird things like bottle caps or action figures. Just remember, your shoe collection is no less odd.

Related Reading: How To Make Him Obsessed With You: 21 Smart Tips 

38. Be prepared for the ‘cold feet’ joke

He will make the joke. It won’t be funny. Laugh anyway—once.

39. Never underestimate his ability to lose stuff

Keys, wallet, phone—get ready to play scavenger hunt more often than you’d like.

40. Keep a list of his annoying habits

Not to nag, but to giggle over with your besties. Like how he never loads the dishwasher correctly.

Funny Marriage Quotes For Newlyweds

In the spirit of embracing the humor that comes with wedded bliss, we’ve curated a collection of funny marriage quotes to tickle your funny bone and remind you that even in the quirkiest moments, love always finds a way to shine through. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy these hilarious insights into the world of matrimony. After all, as they say, a good laugh together is one of the secrets to a happy husband-wife relationship.

41. Husbandry, Seinfeld style

“Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld

42. Michelle Obama’s 10-year rule

“Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!”

43. Shock-proofing marriage

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

44. Marriages are made in heaven… because they don’t have a phone

This is one of my favorite funny advice with a twist. Unplug and enjoy a date night without distractions. It’s a recipe for connection and rediscovering the spark in the digital age.

45. Love is an identity crisis

“Everything about her felt right. I knew I liked her, I knew I cared about her and that sent me into an identity crisis spiral. I felt the need to label myself. Was I gay? Was I bi? Was I still straight? Was I ever straight?” — Stephanie Allynne about Tig Notaro

Related Reading: 12 Things Women Do That Destroy Marriages

46. The heat of matrimony

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” — Stephanie Ortiz

47. A chart for lasting love

“Marriage is like a graph — It has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!” — Dame Julie Andrews

48. Cameron’s love and glasses

“I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito. One of the rare old fashioned marriage advice, funny as well, that really drive home the importance of companionship and teamwork.

49. Endearing irritations

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

50. Wedding vows: Amy Schumer style

As far as witty wedding sayings, this one is gold. “You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.” — Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows.

Related Reading: 100 Reasons Why You Love Someone

51. Go on a date even when you’re sleepy

“Make sure you have date nights even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.” — Chris Hemsworth

52. Diapers and Denny’s

“I’m just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human at Denny’s all day long … and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.” — Ryan Reynolds

53. Be like lobsters

“She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” — Phoebe Buffay in Friends

Related Reading: Why I Love My Husband – 30 Beautiful Reasons All Women Agree With

54. Megan’s ear for spousal care

“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally

55. Eyes open, hearts joined

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.” — Benjamin Franklin’s funny marriage advice is universal

56. New car or new wife?

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Make A Relationship Last Forever

57. Low self-esteem, but make it cute

Sarah Paulson about her partner, Holland Taylor: “She’s constantly saying to me, ‘Why are you with me? Why are you doing this? What are you doing? You’re a very strange person.’”

58. Binge bond

“I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.” ― Mindy Kaling

59. Socrates’ insights on marriage

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.” — Socrates

60. Changing diapers, changing lives

“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…” — Kristen Bell

Related Reading: Expert Tells You How To Have A Good Sex Life After Being Parents

Funny Marriage Advice For The Groom-To-Be

We do have marriage quotes for men. And they are mostly by men too. The amount of pressure that you all go through to take care of your families must be matched by some humor to keep things light. And that’s what I’m here for. So pull up your fun groomsmen socks, because here we go:

61. Married paradoxes

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” — Chris Rock

62. Wife essentials

“There are only three things women need in life: Food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

63. Always wrong, always loved

“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time … Husband!” — Bill Maher

64. Like before love

“We just like each other. You start there … I still can’t believe my wife goes out with me. If we were in high school and I was just funny, I’d never have the courage to talk to her.” — Tom Hanks

Related Reading: 30 Easy Ways To Make Your Wife Feel Special

65. Ferrell’s tech test for love

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

66. Making fun of patriarchy

“My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird. Like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.” — Mark Agee

67. Dax’s main mission

“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard

68. Sharing life, separating bathrooms

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” — Michelle Obama

Related Reading: How To Say Sorry To Your Boyfriend Through Text

69. Passion to practicality

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.” — Joyce Brothers

70. She’s a constant

“Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” — Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond

71. Obama’s epiphany

“After about 15 years, I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly, we just stopped fighting after that.”

72. Learn the art of the compliment

When she asks if she looks good, the answer is always “You’re stunning!” Practice until it’s automatic.

Related Reading: How To Deal With A Negative Spouse – 15 Expert-Backed Tips

73. Understand the danger of asking “What’s for dinner?”

Pro-tip: If you ask, you better be ready to cook it—or order takeout without complaints.

74. Surrender to the throw pillow army

There will be more pillows on the bed than actual space for you. Accept this as your new reality.

75. Stock emergency snacks for her

Keep a secret stash of her favorite treats. It’s an easy way to win arguments or make your wife happy on tough days.

76. Prepare for lifetime of closet encroachment

Her clothes will slowly migrate to your side of the closet. Your solution? Buy more shelves—don’t complain.

77. Learn to say “I’m sorry” without knowing why

Sometimes, you’ll need to apologize just to move forward. You’ll survive—trust us.

78. Pick your TV battles

Yes, the game is important, but so is her favorite reality show. Take turns controlling the remote to maintain peace.

79. Become fluent in subtle signs

A sigh, a raised eyebrow, or a foot tap—these are married man Morse codes. Learn to decode them quickly.

80. Never touch her fries

No matter how much she insists she doesn’t want any, always order extra for her. It’s a rule, not a suggestion.

Final Thoughts

So there you are, lovebirds! While you nestle in your cocoon of everlasting love and sip from the glass of marital bliss, we hope this funny marriage advice will help you both uphold your vows and truly cherish the promise of ever thine, ever mine.

Tell me if there are any grammatical errors or typos in this article, don’t fix it, just point out the mistakes

Living Apart Together: Decoding The Latest Trend Said To Save Relationships

15 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic

What Is A Codependent Marriage? Signs, Causes, And Ways To Fix

Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.