Ah, the sacred union of two souls, the beautiful symphony of hearts becoming one, and the inevitable daily battle over who forgot to take out the trash. If you’re getting ready for this union to take place, you must be at the receiving end of a lot of unsolicited marital advice. But not here. In this article, we only have funny marriage advice for newlyweds so you can ring in your marriage with a few joyful lessons.
We truly hope that love, laughter, bad mood, and the occasional snoring create the perfect storm of wedded bliss for you. Because here’s the deal: Marriage life is an endless sitcom, where you both are the quirky lead characters navigating life’s unpredictable episodes. From the bathroom harmony debate to compromising on TV choices, every day is an opportunity to find the hilarity in the mundane.
So come forth, newly married couples! We’re serving a buffet of funny marriage advice, quotes, and tips. Welcome to your humorous survival guide to marital mayhem.
68 Hilarious Marriage Advice, Quotes And Tips For Newlyweds
Table of Contents
Get ready to chuckle your way through this wild ride of love, quirks, and the occasional fights over stupid things like slow internet connection as we dive into some funny marriage jokes specially compiled for you. After all, a marriage without laughter is like a rom-com without the punchlines: You’re just left with the sappy stuff. Your journey to happily-ever-after is about to get seriously funny, backed by some humorous marriage advice! You’ll see that you can stay married AND in a good mood throughout. Let’s start.
Fun Advice For Newlyweds
To help you navigate this exciting chapter of your lives, we’ve gathered a treasure trove of fun advice for newlyweds. We have some delightful tips and ideas that will add that extra sprinkle of magic to your sweet and funny marriage!
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1. Secret snacking is key to happiness
Late-night snack secrets will soon be out in the open, as you’ll both be found munching away at the kitchen table at 2 a.m. Now that’s a wholesome and funny marriage based on trust and hidden treats.
2. If you want your marriage to be an adventure, go ride a bike instead
From boredom to laziness, from mental health issues to irresponsible behavior, marriage is recommended for everything. But it’s not a hobby OR a cure. So think about it, regular bike rides or a lifelong commitment — which one do you really need? These witty wedding sayings can be really deep if you scratch below the surface.
3. Garlic is dangerous for vampires… and for good night kisses
Never underestimate the power of a good night kiss, unless one of you has recently indulged in garlic fries. But kiss anyway. This is the best piece of marriage advice we have to offer.
4. A laugh a day keeps the lawyer away
This has to be the best marriage tip ever because this is a universal prescription for a happy marriage. Laughter keeps you connected and your hearts light as you navigate life together. Witty marriage advice can be profound too, if you really understand the subtext.
5. IKEA to infinity
A funny marriage tip: If you can survive assembling IKEA furniture together, you’ve conquered one of life’s greatest challenges. Embrace the humor in overcoming assembly-induced frustration. May sound like silly marriage advice, but it will hold you in good stead.
6. When things become rocky, just rock, paper, scissors it
Looking for some funny rules for a happy marriage? Well, turn disputes into games with a round of ‘rock, paper, scissors’. You’ll find that every issue has a solution, even if it involves friendly competition.
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7. DIY happy endings
Treat this as funny marriage advice for newlyweds or a serious rule for happiness, but the truth is that you can take so much pressure off each other through self-pleasure. Channel your inner hero and realize that you’re the main character of your own story. A happy ending is yours to create, with or without Prince Charming.
8. The weirder the habits, the stronger the marriage
A successful marriage is a blend of love, compromise, and pretending not to notice your partner’s quirky habits. Find the humor in their weirdness and you will be entertained for life. Now this is some marriage advice worth writing down (you are making notes, right?)
9. Cuddles are not weather-controlled
A thermostat might be the most wonderful invention for some, but keeping the romance alive means secretly adjusting the thermostat for “cuddling weather.” It’s all about finding creative ways to keep each other close. This seemingly silly marriage advice will only bring you closer.
10. Always say “I love you,” and “I’m sorry” is a close second
Remember that these phrases are the foundation of your matrimonial vocabulary. Use them generously and sincerely. This, according to us, is the best piece of marriage advice that couples need to follow like the Holy Grail of a successful marriage. It’s easy, actionable, and most importantly, effective.
Old-Fashioned Marriage Funny Advice
There are many funny quotes about marriage that even the most conservative among us are happy to crack as jokes. Such people may go on and on (and on) about the importance of being a very committed wife or husband, and how lucky you are to find the right person to marry. But they’ll still leave you amused with some unexpected marriage quotes that are funny, but also stand the test of time.
Related Reading: 22 Tips To Survive The First Year Of Marriage
11. Balance the spiritual communion and the trash
Marriage is more than just spiritual communion; it’s also remembering to take out the trash. Joyce Brothers reminds us that the mundane is just as essential and also imparts some much-needed terribly funny advice on marriage.
12. Choose wisely because divorces are expensive
Humorous marriage advice like this can be found in your social gossip circles as soon as you declare your intent to marry for love. The choices you make in a marriage will define whether you spend money on a world tour or a world-class divorce lawyer. Now this is the best funny marriage advice that helps you stay married (for financial reasons).
13. Marriage is like a car battery…
It requires regular recharging to maintain its power. Keep the love alive by investing in each other’s happiness.
14. Marriage is a three-ring circus…
Marriage is a three-ring circus — Engagement ring, wedding ring, and the ultimate test of suffering. But don’t worry, at least you are in this together. These funny sayings about marriage really do drive home the message, it’s up to you to interpret and implement it in the right spirit.
Related Reading: 11 Harsh Truths About Marriage No One Talks About
15. Love in the times of snoring
Pay attention, this is some funny marital advice for newlyweds. Are you partnered with a snorer? All you can do then is enjoy the nocturnal symphony and look at their cute sleeping silhouette when you have the urge to pick up the pillow and just …. You know?
16. Slow internet does not mean slow commitment
There will be days when you can’t stand your beloved. And these will also be the days your internet decides to run like a snail. A slow internet connection may test your patience, but it’s also a testament to your commitment. Stay connected with your partner even when the virtual world moves at a crawl. Sounds like silly marriage advice, doesn’t it? But implement it in your married life, and your bond will be stronger for it.
17. You will think you have the better deal, but so do they
I call this piece of funny marriage advice for newlyweds the “better deal suspicion.” A healthy marriage involves partners secretly believing they got the better end of the deal. As long as neither of you has an Eureka moment, it is all good in the hood!
18. Sweet dreams minimize the nightmares
What I’m trying to say is that falling asleep together is the epitome of intimacy. Swap candlelit dinners for cozy moments, and cherish each other’s presence as you drift into dreams. Such funny marital advice for newlyweds can help you build healthy habits as a couple.
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19. Go from couch comedians to kitchen crazies
Remember, you’re not just marrying each other, but also the odd collection of quirks you both bring to the relationship. Embrace the mutually satisfying weirdness as you both belt out Jackson Brown songs in the middle of the night.
20. Never stop holding hands, except when eating tacos
Speaking of humorous marriage advice, here’s a classic: tackling a messy taco with one hand while holding hands with your special person? That’s an advanced level of intimacy.
Funny Marriage Advice For The Bride-To-Be
You’ve found the right person. And now you need the kind of marriage quotes that make you both laugh. Because trust us, you DO need a funny marriage too, and not just the one you send as a snapshot on Christmas cards. Women, especially, need a great sense of humor while listening to strangers tell them how they should be committed wives. Ready for some giggle-worthy marriage quotes to balance the incoming ‘concern’? Here we go:
21. If in doubt, blame the dog
Here is some funny marriage advice you want to keep handy, especially for women who like some late-night munching. Pets make excellent scapegoats for mysterious odors and missing snacks.
Related Reading: What Is The Role Of A Husband In A Modern Relationship?
22. Accept that the toothpaste battle is never-ending
These are some truly funny words of wisdom for newlyweds. Squeezers and rollers, may the odds be ever in your favor.
23. Learn the art of stealthy blanket tugging
Blanket wars are real, but silent victories are the best. Heed such witty marriage advice to learn how not to sweat the small stuff.
24. Pillow fights are encouraged, but only with decorative pillows
Keep the feathery chaos under control. Not just funny marital advice for newlyweds, but also extremely practical.
25. Celebrate unimportant anniversaries
The day you first discovered a shared interest in cheesy action movies deserves recognition too. Celebrate the “little” milestones. The best piece of marriage advice that will keep you boat afloat when marriage hits rocky waters.
26. Create a no-judgment pact for karaoke nights
Unleash your inner rock stars and belt out your favorite tunes. Judgment-free, but dog howling is fair game.
27. You’re a team, but also rivals in the ‘Who can fold laundry faster?’ championship
Take our witty marriage advice, and turn mundane tasks into friendly competitions. Just remember to finish folding before the clothes wrinkle.
28. Master the art of saying “I’m fine”
Sometimes, this phrase translates to “prepare for a storm.” Decode with care.
29. Declare ‘PJ and popcorn’ days as official holidays
Sometimes, the best plan is to have no plan — just movie date night at home and comfy clothes. And that truly is the finest funny marriage advice you will receive.
30. Embark on cooking adventures with mismatched ingredients
Forget recipe books — get creative by challenging each other to make meals from whatever’s in the fridge.
Related Reading: 10 Tips To Develop Emotional Intimacy In A Marriage
Funny Marriage Quotes For Newlyweds
In the spirit of embracing the humor that comes with wedded bliss, we’ve curated a collection of funny marriage quotes to tickle your funny bone and remind you that even in the quirkiest moments, love always finds a way to shine through. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy these hilarious insights into the world of matrimony. After all, as they say, a good laugh together is one of the secrets to a happy husband-wife relationship.
31. Husbandry, Seinfeld style
“Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld
32. Michelle Obama’s 10-year rule
“Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!”
33. Shock-proofing marriage
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
34. Marriages are made in heaven… because they don’t have a phone
This is one of my favorite funny sayings about marriage with a twist. But if you pay attention, it is also marital advice you should not take lightly. Unplug and enjoy a date night without distractions. It’s a recipe for connection and rediscovering the spark in the digital age.
35. Love is an identity crisis
“Everything about her felt right. I knew I liked her, I knew I cared about her and that sent me into an identity crisis spiral. I felt the need to label myself. Was I gay? Was I bi? Was I still straight? Was I ever straight?” — Stephanie Allynne about Tig Notaro
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36. The heat of matrimony
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” — Stephanie Ortiz
37. A chart for lasting love
“Marriage is like a graph — It has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!” — Dame Julie Andrews
38. Cameron’s love and glasses
“I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito. One of the rare funny sayings about marriage that really drive home the importance of companionship and teamwork.
39. Endearing irritations
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
40. Wedding vows: Amy Schumer style
As far as witty wedding sayings, this one is gold. “You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.” — Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows.
Related Reading: 100 Reasons Why You Love Someone
41. Be like lobsters
“She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” — Phoebe Buffay in Friends
Hilarious Quotes About Marriage
I’m committed to making you laugh. So here I am again, to bless you with some of the best marriage quotes by famous folks that will keep you smiling. What did Ryan Reynolds say about his marriage? What did Kristen Bell say about her husband? Did they crack the funny marriage code? Let’s find out.
42. Go on a date when you’re sleepy
“Make sure you have date nights even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.” — Chris Hemsworth
43. Diapers and Denny’s
“I’m just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human at Denny’s all day long … and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.” — Ryan Reynolds
44. Megan’s ear for spousal care
“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally
45. Eyes open, hearts joined
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.” — Benjamin Franklin’s funny marriage advice is universal
46. New car or new wife?
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip
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47. Low self-esteem, but make it cute
Sarah Paulson about her partner, Holland Taylor: “She’s constantly saying to me, ‘Why are you with me? Why are you doing this? What are you doing? You’re a very strange person.’”
48. Socratic insights
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.” — Socrates
49. A binge bond
“I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.” ― Mindy Kaling
50. Changing diapers, changing lives
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…” — Kristen Bell
51. Motivational trick
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Anne Bancroft
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Funny Marriage Advice For The Groom-To-Be
We do have marriage quotes for men. And they are mostly by men too. The amount of pressure that you all go through to take care of your families must be matched by some humor to keep things light. And that’s what I’m here for. So pull up your fun groomsmen socks, because here we go:
52. Married paradoxes
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” — Chris Rock
53. Wife essentials
“There are only three things women need in life: Food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock
54. Always wrong, always loved
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time … Husband!” — Bill Maher
55. Like before love
“We just like each other. You start there … I still can’t believe my wife goes out with me. If we were in high school and I was just funny, I’d never have the courage to talk to her.” — Tom Hanks
Related Reading: 30 Easy Ways To Make Your Wife Feel Special
56. Ferrell’s tech test for love
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
57. Making fun of patriarchy
“My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird. Like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.” — Mark Agee
58. Dax’s mane mission
“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard
59. Sharing life, separating bathrooms
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” — Michelle Obama
60. Passion to practicality
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.” — Joyce Brothers
61. She’s a constant
“Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” — Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond
62. Share the bathroom if you want to share a happy life
When it comes to funny marriage advice for newlyweds, this one is the most important. Harmony in the bathroom is a surefire way to a harmonious marriage. Master the art of sharing, and remember, keep it clean if you wanna keep it dirty. (wink wink)
Related Reading: Why I Love My Husband – 30 Beautiful Reasons All Women Agree With
Humorous Marriage Tips
A marriage brimming with wit and quips: Is that what you’re looking for? Then these funny marriage tips will suit you just fine. Being able to laugh at yourself could be your most brilliant achievement yet. And that’s why we’ve saved the funniest marriage quotes for the last. Share these with your partner or your friends and family who are about to get married!
63. Open or closed?
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” — George Bernard Shaw
64. Knope, don’t overdo it
“The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages.” — Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation tells you what NOT to do
65. Do not let them eat cake … alone
Here are some funny words of wisdom for newlyweds which, in my opinion, are very serious (yes, I am obsessed with cake, so what?). A happy marriage might be all about sharing, but when it comes to the last piece of cake, be prepared to exercise your dessert sovereignty.
Related Reading: How To Deal With A Negative Spouse – 15 Expert-Backed Tips
66. Obama’s epiphany
“After about 15 years, I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.”
67. Swap your favorite TV shows, not your toothbrushes
Here’s a bonding tip for couples: Binge-watching together is bonding; sharing germs not so much.
68. Remedies for the crazies
“Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.” — Goldie Hawn
So there you are, lovebirds! While you nestle in your cocoon of everlasting love and sip from the glass of marital bliss, we hope this funny marriage advice will help you both uphold your vows and truly cherish the promise of ever thine, ever mine.