How to break up with a guy without trampling all over his heart? If this question has you putting off an inevitable breakup, I have an answer for you today. You could say my mom taught me that. Don’t be astonished. Let me tell you the full story. Once my mom overheard me badmouthing a friend I had a huge fight with. She was astonished both by my knowledge of cuss words and the intensity of my pain.
However, her words of wisdom not only helped me tide over that rough patch with my friend but have held me in good stead all these years later. Her advice was quite simple actually. She looked me in the eye, held my hands tightly, and said, “No matter how bad things are, never hurt someone if you can’t make them feel better either.” I think it is safe to say that this adage must and should apply to every relationship we have.
When two people share something real and true, whatever the length of time, it is difficult to put an end to it. Breakups are, therefore, a nightmare and almost always extremely painful. Just the way we all fear hurting and being hurt, the prospect of hurting someone you’ve shared an intimate connection with and watching them fall apart in front of you can be immensely unnerving.
When things have to end, they just need to. However, that doesn’t mean that you have to add insult to injury and crush the person you once cared about deeply. You can break up with your boyfriend by being firm yet compassionate. How exactly does one strike that balance, you may wonder. That’s exactly what we’re here for. Let’s take a look at how to break up well with a guy without hurting him too much.
How Do You Break Up With Someone You Care About?
Why is breaking up so hard? Here’s a story that might resonate with you. My friend and her boyfriend were like soulmates who were crazy about each other. Yet, their differences started pulling them apart. She was career-minded, and he could not wait to settle down and start a family. They were in a serious relationship and hoped to be together for the long haul but they could not find a middle path so she decided to part ways with him.
It was probably the hardest thing to do for her because she really cared for him and loved him deeply. The very thought of applying the no-contact rule to their relationship moved her to tears. But there were many reasons why it was important for her to walk away from the relationship, even though it’s not like they were not in love anymore. It just did not make sense for them to continue being together. And that is why she decided that she absolutely should.
Still in love with him, she really wanted to know if he was okay and if he was coping well after the breakup. It’s true that you cannot just stop caring for someone just because you’ve broken up with them. You are still going to be very much concerned about that person’s feelings and well-being. Even if the end is ugly and messy, the love persists for a while.
As you can see, the end of a relationship can be an unpleasant experience the thought of which can leave you with a pit in your stomach. Figuring out how to break up gracefully with someone you really care about when you’re already dealing with such a whirlwind of emotions can be especially hard. However, if you adhere to the basic tenets of decency and respect, it shouldn’t be that hard.
If you break up with a guy without the mud-slinging and name-calling, you can feel better about your decision. At least you will not walk away and feel guilty. There is a polite way to break up with a guy and if you do it right, you can forge a long-standing friendship with him. You don’t need a dating coach to tell you this. There are people who say that they have attended their ex’s wedding because they cared about them and felt happy for them. No, it’s not some utopian notion, it is indeed real life.
Being mindful of the fact that you loved each other at some point but, for whatever reason, could not make it work can be immensely helpful in not letting decency and niceties fly out of the window when you’re pulling the plug in a relationship. You don’t have to be arch-enemies after a breakup.
Related Reading: Why Do Breakups Hit Guys Later?
12 Tips To Break Up With A Guy In A Decent Way
The thing about breakups is that no one wants them to happen and they are indeed a bitter pill to swallow. If love at first sight is at the bright and fuzzy end of the emotions spectrum, a breakup is at the dark and gloomy opposite. Yet, we all have to deal with it at some point, whether in a serious relationship or just a casual hookup. And those of us who have, know the terror the words “we need to talk” can evoke. But those words do not have to be all that terrifying if you decide to do it right, which is why we are here to tell you how to break up with a guy in a way that he will not hate you. And who knows, you might just stay friends.
If you’re wondering how to break up with someone without hurting them, there are a few ways to make it less painful. We can’t promise it will be easy, but you can definitely soften the blow. So if you’re planning to give him the dreadful message that reads – “it’s over” – loud and clear, you better do it the right way. Also keep in mind that, it’s a very sensitive time for both you and your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.
The way you handle your breakup will determine the severity of the emotional wounds and scars the end of this relationship will leave behind on your partner. If you don’t want to be the reason he is left riddled with trust issues or a fear of commitment, your endeavor to break up gracefully without hurting the man can make all the difference. Here are a few tips you can always keep in mind to break up nicely with someone:
1. Choose the right words to make your partner your former-partner
He might be the sweetest creature to walk the earth or the dirtiest jerk you have ever come across. Either way, always choose your words carefully. How to break up gracefully is truly about making sure that you are as kind and compassionate as you can be. Whether you send him a breakup text, do it over the phone, or say it right to his face, steer clear of words that may dent his self-esteem or make him feel disrespected.
Recall the good old saying – words cut deeper than swords. So, don’t let your emotions control your actions. If you do, he might lash back at you and the altercation will never end. Why not tell someone you want to break up nicely instead? Deal with your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend politely, use the kindest words in your dictionary, and stay level-headed. Break up with a guy like a decent woman, there is nothing to lose.
2. Give him a proper explanation, and do it face to face
When you ask a guy, “Hey, why did your ex leave you?”, most of them just say, “I don’t know. She never gave me a clear reason, just walked right out.” When you hear such things, you realize that the bitterness in their voice is palpable. In fact, there will never be any scope for them to remain friends after the breakup. If you don’t want things to end on a sour note, then have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend.
Instead of just apologizing and leaving, let him know exactly how you feel and what made you arrive at this decision. Give him a good and solid explanation for why you are leaving him. Don’t hold back and don’t keep blank spaces. He deserves that much, right?
After everything that you two have shared over time, you owe him an explanation at the very least. You need to bow out respectfully if you want to have the chance to break up with someone decently and maintain an amicable equation with them. If your situation doesn’t allow for face-to-face conversation – a long-distance relationship, for instance – at least do it over a video call.
Related Reading: Why Do Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others?
3. Take some time to think about how to leave him
I know you want to get it done and begin the process of moving on, and healing from the breakup. You must have gone through your share of pain and suffering to arrive at this decision and you might think that ripping the band-aid off is the best way to break up with a guy. You need to be considerate of his feelings as well and time the breakup such that he is in the headspace to deal with it.
If he is going through a rough phase at work or dealing with some family issues, you might want to hold back, since that may not be the healthiest way of walking out. The bottom line is, pick a good time to break up when he might not simply explode or have a reason to displace his other frustrations on you. Picking the right moment, place, and time is important if you’re trying to figure out how to break up nicely.
4. Be the first one to tell him, do not leave it up to mutual friends
Most women will relate to this one hard. You had a weak moment and you shared your feelings with a friend. Over some wine and dinner, you spilled the beans about how torturous your relationship has been and that you are only waiting for the right time to leave him. Cut to a week later, the same friend blabbed about it to her boyfriend, who turned out to be your boyfriend’s best friend. Yes, mutual friends can be big loudmouths who can make your life a living hell if you are not careful.
You think you are just innocently spending time with friends and opening up, and the next thing you know, your partner has become your former partner without you even knowing it. And you come off looking like the bad guy in this situation. If you don’t want to be caught in an embarrassing situation and really want to break up with someone in the healthiest way possible, definitely keep these two things in mind:
a) Don’t share your personal emotions with anyone
b) Be the first one to deliver the bad news
Hearing about the end of a relationship from a third person is the worst thing possible. It will only make him feel humiliated and insignificant. Remember he cares for you and you should reciprocate.
Related Reading: 21 Signs You Should Break Up For Good
5. Be honest (but not brutally)
Nope, no space for intense brutality here. But yes, if you’re going to break his heart, at least be honest about it. You do not want to end your relationship with a web of lies and deception. Relationship expert and dating coach, Seth Meyers, advises the same. If you have a strong and rational reason, share it with your partner. Don’t try to wriggle out by giving hollow reasons like he doesn’t compliment you or give you attention or doesn’t care about pleasing you.
Let him know the truth, and the whole truth straight from your heart. But if this truth involves another guy, hold back. He doesn’t deserve the brutal truth (not yet at least). Don’t tell him you have fallen for someone else if you want to break up with him nicely. This will destroy his self-esteem completely. In that case, keep it as brief but real as you can.
6. Stop the blame game to avoid hurting the person’s feelings
If your relationship didn’t work out, you both share equal responsibility for it. As mature adults, you should neither put the blame entirely on him nor accept it as solely your fault. Blame-shifting is a childish thing to do and definitely not the answer to how to break up with a guy without crushing his heart.
You need to preserve and honor the mutual respect even while parting ways. How to break up with someone gracefully? Do not blame them and start bringing up past problems to attain some kind of leverage in the conversation. Things will only turn ugly from there.
7. Try to act maturely after the breakup conversation
You might move on and be ready to date again once the breakup conversation is over and you have decided that you want this person out of your life for good. When you go out, meet new guys, and have new experiences, it might not be the best idea to flaunt them on your social media. A little discretion is advisable if you and your ex are still connected on social media or have common friends.
Be careful of how you carry yourself after the breakup. To tell someone you want to break up nicely is one thing. Being considerate of your ex’s feelings post-breakup, at least for a while, is a whole other scenario. Your ex might not be over what has ensued and could still be healing from the heartbreak. Give him some time or else he might just spiral out of control and start love-bombing you in the hope of winning you over again or may start bad-mouthing you.
8. Don’t say certain things if you truly want to end things on a decent note
How to break up with a guy as nicely as possible? Here are a few things to steer clear of at all costs:
a) Any specific comments about his physical looks or habits which you didn’t like
b) Anything that might give him a chance to convince you further to stay, like, “I know you’re a nice guy but I think I deserve more.”
c) Anything that gives him hope of a reconciliation, like “I like you, I still want you to be in my life.”
I know you’re wondering how to break up politely and want to use the kindest words but there is a fine line between being kind and giving your partner false hope. If you have no intention of giving him a second chance, then avoid saying things to that effect. He might take them as breadcrumbs for the future.
9. Ask for his opinion for a perfect breakup
How to break up with your boyfriend without hurting him over text? Well, consider making him part of the conversation instead of a passive listener to your stance and opinion. According to relationship and dating coach, Christine Hart, this does not mean you’re asking for his permission to break up but making him an equal part of the conversation.
This is strongly recommended in a mature step when you’ve had a long-term relationship and share compatibility with your boyfriend. He might be taken aback by your decision at first, but if allowed to ponder over it, he might share your feelings and arrive at a similar conclusion. This allows you to part on good terms.
Related Reading: 23 Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship
10. Don’t check on him after the breakup
If it’s over, it’s over. You cannot keep looking back. He might be putting up a grieving status on Facebook or sleeping with your best friend or even trash-talking you to all your mutual friends. Leave him to deal with his grief and do not indulge or interfere in his process. Most importantly, do not contact him out of pity or jealousy. You need to give each other the space to heal and make peace with the past, once the breakup conversation is done and over.
11. Don’t ghost him
Yes, maintaining a distance and giving up space is crucial to having a clean breakup, however, that is only after you’ve conveyed your decision to your partner. You cannot vanish into thin air and leave him with questions abuzz in his mind. Once you’ve decided that your relationship isn’t working out, you must let your partner know. You cannot disappear and expect him to figure out that the relationship is over. It will drive him insane, trust us!
You also shouldn’t resort to lies and excuses to distance yourself from him. To break up with someone nicely and still be friends after, you should never leave them hanging. Ghosting your boyfriend or anyone for that matter is a terrible thing to do. You loved this man at some point and you owe him some respect. Be brave and face him as soon as possible. Break up with respect and grace and not like a coward on the run.
Related Reading: Is Caspering Less Brutal Than Ghosting?
12. Be prepared for the outcome
This one will truly make you wonder, why is breaking up so hard? At this point, you’ll truly realize that no matter how much effort you put in, your breakup will not be a clean, well-paved path. By ‘outcome’, I mean there will be some nastiness between you two no matter how much you try to soften the blow. After all, there is no such thing as a perfect breakup.
He might lash out at you or just go completely numb. He might hurl abuses at you, block you from social media, or go around slandering your name. Remember, we all deal with our heartbreak in our own ways. So let him deal on his own. Meanwhile, don’t lose your calm. You have come so far in your pursuit of how to break up with a guy as nicely as possible, don’t let all that effort go down the drain.
- There is no such thing as a perfect breakup, but you can have a decent one if you try not to blame your partner and choose the right words
- Stop pointing out his faults and start listening to his opinion too
- Do not ghost your partner at any cost
- Do not to force him to remain friends with you
No one said that breakups are easy, especially when you and your boyfriend share a history. But there’s always a good road you can take to end your relationship. You can always break up with him amicably and respectfully. It all comes down to how you choose to deal with the situation. Keep these tips in your mind and your breakup may not end up as another nasty affair in your life. Keep it real, and handle the breakup like the strong woman you are.