What an indescribable feeling it is when you meet a guy who values you and treats you like you are the most important woman in the world to him. You feel so cherished and so loved, especially if in the past you have only dated insensitive and narcissistic men. But what if this man that you consider to be Mr. Right, actually turns out to be just like all the other men you have dated previously? Or worse? Because when you start dating an insecure man, the beginning is rather rosy.
Initially, you will be showered with gifts, compliments and so much love that you will feel like you are on top of the world. You may feel like the luckiest girl alive. You won’t just feel it but you’ll know it. However, what usually happens is that after a few weeks, the affection he shows toward you suddenly turns into an obsession.
He demands your constant attention and needs you to prove your love for him all the time. From texting him all day long to paying attention to him every single time he says your name, you will be expected to constantly smother him with love because he just doesn’t stop asking for it. It can get quite tiring and frustrating if you have to continuously prove your love to your insecure boyfriend.
Over time, you will also be introduced to his mind games. Mind games when dating an insecure man are tough to handle so watch out because it’s about to get really bumpy. An emotionally insecure man can be a dating nightmare that may leave you wondering about how to deal with an insecure man. But that does not mean your relationship is a lost cause. If you truly love him, there are ways to cope with your boyfriend’s insecurity and perhaps even help him break his pattern of needy, clingy behavior.
Dating An Insecure Man – What Is It Like?
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Are insecure guys worth dating? Dating an insecure man can make the dating experience quite unsatisfying. Constantly fighting, having silly relationship arguments, trying to understand each other’s moods…and all because he doesn’t believe where you were last night. This can start to get exhausting and will eventually take a toll on your mental health too.
He is overprotective, possessive and gets jealous at the drop of a hat; he exhibits low self-esteem and even considers himself unworthy of your love. And this is why he does not take a second to switch his mood, accuse you, or even barrage you with calls and messages when you are not around. His internal turmoil spills all over your relationship. Every so often, you may find yourself letting out a sigh of exasperation, saying, “I’m so tired of my boyfriend being insecure.”
When you first started dating, it may have seemed quite cute when your insecure boyfriend kept asking you what you were doing or who you were hanging out with. You probably liked the fact that he was taking such an active interest in your life, showering you with concern, not really realizing that you were actually dealing with an insecure partner.
However, as time passed and his true colors started to show, it was but natural that you started to get annoyed by the fact that he constantly expects you to be answerable to him. Chances are that most of your major fights have been about you missing his calls or not replying to his texts in a timely manner.
You will never know for sure what goes on in the mind of an insecure boyfriend. One moment, he can make you feel extremely important and special like he would steal the moon and the stars for you. But at other times, he might make you feel suffocated in the relationship. How to deal with an insecure man then becomes an all-consuming question that takes up most of your mental space and energy.
Dominant Traits Of An Insecure Man
Before you exclaim, “My boyfriend is insecure and ruining our relationship!”, let’s cover some traits of an insecure man before we jump to any massive conclusions. Yes, you could indeed be dating an insecure man. But with the following pointers, we will know for sure:
- He is controlling: Such a man is known for his controlling and manipulating behavior. He will want to dictate what you wear, who you meet, who you talk to, etc
- He gets jealous quickly: A jealous boyfriend is the most obvious giveaway that you are dating an insecure man. He will get triggered by your harmless interactions with any person of the sex you’re romantically/sexually inclined toward and might even lash out at you
- Low confidence: His confidence level is extremely low. He is constantly doubting himself and seeks validation from you. He cares too much about what other people think about him and his life, and always feels the need to compete with others
- He is emotionally sensitive: One of the problems with dating an insecure man is that he is highly sensitive and gets upset very easily. You will constantly find him taking his anger out on you for the smallest of things or getting hurt over the non-issues
- He shows off: Dating someone with insecurities means putting up with their show-off attitude at all times. He will love to brag about himself, to hide his shortcomings. This is a defense mechanism that he uses to hide his insecurities
- Belittling you: Bullying and belittling you will be a habit that he will indulge in regularly. He will constantly criticize you and even make fun of your friends. He does this to feel better about himself
- He cannot take criticism well: Criticism is something that will not be tolerated by an insecure guy. If you point out his flaws he will get extremely angry or even throw a fit if you crack a harmless joke about him
- He is skeptical: He will always be suspicious of the intentions of others around him and will not be able to trust anyone, including you
Related Reading: 15 Top Signs Of A Selfish Boyfriend
10 Sure Shot Signs That You Are Dating An Insecure Man
Insecurity is one quality that has the potential of damaging any healthy relationship. It can brew lots of tension and even lead to many unresolved issues between the two of you. At the beginning of the relationship, you might feel that your boyfriend is perfect because he cares about you so much.
But soon, that insecurity rears its ugly head and you realize that you are caught in a relationship with an insecure person who has massive and unrealistic expectations of and from you. ‘Intense’ and ‘draining’ are only two words that begin to describe what dating an insecure man can be like.
If you agree with the following signs, then you certainly have reason to say, “My boyfriend is insecure”. But to be doubly sure, it helps to understand the signs you are dating an insecure man so that you’re absolutely sure about what you’re dealing with. Get ready because this is quite a list.
1. He spends all his time with you
He hardly has any friends or interesting hobbies that can engage him elsewhere. His world only revolves around you and it can become quite smothering for you. “I am tired of my boyfriend being insecure and clingy.” If your partner’s presence evokes this emotion in you because he just doesn’t have a life outside of the relationship, you can say with a fair degree of certainty that his insecurities get the better of him more often than not.
2. He controls every aspect of your life
Instead of giving you space and respecting your opinions, he becomes an insecure boyfriend, controlling each aspect of your life. He wants you to do things exactly his way – from how you dress to what you say. It can be suffocating dealing with an insecure partner and you may feel like you’re losing yourself in order to keep your partner happy and your relationship afloat.
3. He keeps telling you to be as simple as possible
He constantly asks you to dress down because he’s either insecure about his own appearance as compared to you or he does not want anyone else ogling you. If he cannot handle his partner getting a little attention or even a compliment from someone, he sure has a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. That emotional baggage is spilling onto your relationship in the form of his insecurity.
Related Reading: How To Get Out Of A Controlling Relationship – 8 Ways To Break Free
4. Feelings of jealousy are second nature to him
Insecure men and jealousy go hand in hand. He is jealous not only of your male friends but also of any man who tries to come close to you. He doesn’t like it either if you have close relationships with your girlfriends. He gets rather angry if you buy them gifts or go out of your way to do things for them.
5. He puts you down
Dating someone with insecurities looks a little like this: An insecure boyfriend will belittle you and fail to empower you. He will constantly have a problem with everything you do and this will get very frustrating for you over time. Instead of being your biggest support system, he will put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. A relationship with an insecure man can seriously dent your self-esteem and confidence in the long run.
6. He’s always keeping a check on you
He will keep tabs on you and will want to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are hanging out with ALL THE TIME. So be prepared to have him start texting you or calling you endlessly when you go out with your friends. It’s really no surprise that you struggled with the “tired of my boyfriend being insecure” feeling more often than not. Catering to his emotional needs can feel like a full-time job.
7. He never accepts his mistakes
If he does something wrong, you will notice that he will start blame-shifting, either you or someone else for his mistakes. But he will never own up to his own wrongdoings. Insecure men find it hard to say, “I’m sorry, I messed up” or “This was my fault”. Because their self-esteem is already battered, they have an overwhelming need to present an infallible exterior. Even if it is built on lies, half-truths or pure gaslighting.
8. He wants to hear compliments but no feedback
He will be happy to take compliments from you as it will boost his low self-esteem But he will not appreciate any kind of feedback or constructive criticism from your side. Try telling him that needs to change his behavior or suggest that there are certain personality traits that he needs to work on, you’re most likely to be met with a cold shoulder and some stonewalling.
9. Your loyalty is doubted
He is always suspicious about your motives and keeps testing your loyalty with mind games and you might not even realize it. One of the clearest signs that you’re dealing with an insecure partner is that he either accuses you of cheating on him or insinuates that pursuing other romantic interests while being in a relationship with him.
10. He becomes aggressive if things do not go his way
Angry outbursts become a common phenomenon and he becomes aggressive when you try to confront him. Fights can get ugly with him. Any deviation from the behavior he expects of you can trigger his temper tantrums. Even when you have done nothing that warrants an apology or an explanation, you will find yourself trying to justify your actions to him.
And now that we’ve come all this way and established that you are indeed dating an insecure man, it’s time to look into how to tackle the same. Acknowledging this relationship problem is the first step so well done on that. But what to do now? Read on.
Related Reading: 8 Ways To Overcome Insecurity In A Relationship
16 Tips To Deal With An Insecure Boyfriend
Insecurity is not something that cannot be cured or done away with easily. It will take effort, time, patience and introspection for you and your boyfriend both, to pull him out of this mess. You may even have a depressed boyfriend on your hands that could make things much more serious. But know that if you put in the effort, you can help your insecure boyfriend overcome his insecurity.
But, he has to be ready too, to accept your help and work toward improving himself. It is even possible that he might need some professional help. But for the time being, here are 16 tips for what you can do for him.
1. Evaluate your own conduct and behavior in the relationship
Sounds frustrating because all this time you feel like he has been hurting you and it almost sounds unfair that you need to check your own self. But for love, you have to. It’s time to be the bigger person here. You must examine the way you behave with your insecure boyfriend.
Do you fail to give him enough time and attention? Have you been unfaithful or flirting with other men? It’s time to ensure that your behavior is not the reason for the rise of his insecurity. You might mean well but there could be something about your behavior that is ticking him off. If you can find that and correct it, then that could just mean that half the battle is won. Something in the relationship could be the root cause of your boyfriend’s insecurity.
If he does not show any signs of insecurity in his interactions with others or other aspects of his life then you must stop and think about whether your actions are causing him to behave in this manner and making your relationship toxic. Perhaps he does not feel worthy of you or does not get adequate validation in his relationship with you. These things could be triggering his insecurity.
2. How to have a relationship with an insecure man? Extend your support and understanding to him
Genevieve Bachman, an interior designer once told us that her boyfriend was extremely controlling and demanded that he select her outfits every morning for her. He would constantly text her while she was at work and would ask her to sit by herself during lunch and speak to him over the phone.
“To deal with an insecure man is not an easy thing, I learned that the hard way. Colin would always be glued to me and try to control parts of my life that were truly none of his business. All that only ended until I sat him down and talked about the issues with him. Things did not get tremendously better, but once he saw that I loved him, he backed off a little”, she said.
If you want your partner to overcome his insecurity, then you must communicate with him and eliminate all his doubts and concerns. Remember at all times that you are dealing with an immature man. So be careful with your words and try to be as kind as you can be. Follow through with the promises you made to him and try to live up to his expectations maybe if you think that they are reasonable.
Related Reading: 18 Ways To Show Someone You Care
3. Show him that you care
Connie Jensen told us a similar story about herself when she started dating an insecure man. She said, “Ricardo would often get angry when I attended office parties or was out late with my friends. He even threw tantrums if I came home a little late from work. He kept doubting me and told me that I was in some kind of an office romance that I was not telling him about.”
When they sat down and had an honest conversation she realized that his issues stemmed from her boss who was known to have a bad reputation when it came to his female employees. When she assured him that she trusted him and that she would never pay attention to any advances by her boss, he calmed down.
She made him understand that she was not okay with him having a problem with the way she dressed and her attending office parties. It took him a while to realize how badly this was affecting her, but he eventually made a conscious effort and now their relationship is better than ever. Sometimes, the answer to how to deal with an insecure man can be as simple as not dismissing his concerns as a result of his insecurity and hearing him out with an open mind.
4. Let him know the importance he has in your life
“My boyfriend is insecure, what do I do?”
“My boyfriend is very insecure and jealous all the time and it’s ruining our relationship”
We hear these grievances about insecure boyfriends a lot, so trust us when we give you the following piece of advice…When this happens, make the effort to let your insecure boyfriend know that you value him a lot. He needs that more than you think. Make him understand he is irreplaceable in your life and you care for him the same way that you’ve been doing all this time. This will reassure him and he might realize his insecurity is baseless or that he’s probably just overthinking it.
You do not need to spend extravagantly to do this. Little romantic gestures like getting him his favorite dessert ought to do the trick. You can also drive home the point that he is loved and valued in the relationship by getting him small, albeit thoughtful, gifts every now and then. You should know how to treat him right.
Say you’re browsing through an online store and spot a quirky beer mug that you know your boyfriend will appreciate, just order it for him and give it to him on your next date. Or if you spot a shirt or scarf that you know will look good on him, don’t wait for a special occasion to buy it for him. These gestures can go a long way in reassuring him that he is always on your mind and put his insecurities at ease.
Related Reading: 55 Unique Ways To Tell Someone You Love Them
5. Encourage him to discuss his past with you when you try to deal with an insecure man
The insecurity issues that your boyfriend is facing might be due to past experiences or hurt caused to him in his past relationships. So, encourage him to talk about those past experiences, to get to the root of the problem; it could be coming from a past relationship or even from toxic parenting in his childhood.
We recommend that if his behavior is linked to his upbringing, he must seek professional help and approach a therapist. Childhood issues can end up being deeply rooted in a person’s psyche and dealing with them may require therapy. Especially if your boyfriend has had a disturbed childhood or abandonment issues, you should consider bringing this up with him.
Dealing with an insecure partner is not always simple. Sometimes, it entails nudging him to do a deep dive into his triggers and emotional baggage. That can be hard for someone who has years of bottled-up hurt, anger or trauma to work through. So many people go through their lives actively trying to avoid facing their emotions. So, you have your work cut out for you.
6. Avoid becoming like your insecure boyfriend
Just because your boyfriend has become insecure, it does not mean that you should become jealous and insecure as well. Behaving just like your insecure boyfriend will lead to more problems in your relationship so do not tread down that path EVER! Steer clear of the temptation to give him a taste of his own medicine. It’s a recipe for disaster that will only make your relationship more toxic and dysfunctional than it is.
You will ruin your relationship with your boyfriend if you also start to embrace his thinking process. You might feel like giving him a taste of his own medicine, however, this will only foster hatred amongst you guys and will quickly turn the relationship sour. Don’t punch back at him, help him.
7. To deal with an insecure person in a relationship, you must completely avoid lying to them
Try to be as honest as possible in the relationship, because if you lie to him, then his trust will be broken and his insecurities will increase manifold. If he already has trust issues, work with him to help him lead a happy and loving life, instead of giving him reasons to feed that insecurity. With his thought process, he’s probably always on the lookout for those anyway. So stay in the clear and that way you both can be happy.
If you lie to him and he finds out, it will just add fuel to the fire. Your insecure boyfriend already has visible trust issues and being dishonest will just make him more paranoid and more doubtful of you. Be honest with yourself and with him. Don’t do this just to placate him, but also do this to create a happy and lasting relationship.
8. Make plans with your friends that include him
One of the problems with dating an insecure man is that they absolutely do not trust your friends or the other people you hang out with. But is there a way to make him do away with such silly concerns? If you know that when you go out with your friends, especially your male friends, your insecure boyfriend gets upset, then make plans with them that include him. This way, he can meet them, get to know them and get rid of his suspicions for good.
Sometimes the fear of the unknown is much worse than the reality. Who knows, when he meets your friends he might just love them and realize that he actually has nothing to worry about. When he observes your platonic interactions and builds a rapport with your friends he will let his guard down and become more trusting of you and them too. This will be good in the long run as one always wants their friends to get along with their significant other, right?
Related Reading: 12 Signs Of Insecure Women And How To Avoid Them
9. Let him know your concerns and insecurities
To deal with an insecure person in a relationship, it’s time that you let your own guard down too. When you share your insecurities with your boyfriend, he will then get the courage to be open with you about his concerns. This mutual sharing of doubts and fears will make your relationship stronger than ever.
Being open and honest with each other is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Open communication means you both are comfortable with each other and not afraid to bare your vulnerable side while in each other’s company. Isn’t that what true love is all about? You must encourage each other to share and discuss your problems and fears mutually.
10. How to deal with an insecure person in a relationship? Give them time to improve
You cannot expect your insecure boyfriend to change overnight. So, giving him time and space to deal with his insecurities will be the best move on your part. Be patient and do not rush the process when you are dating an insecure man. However, this does not mean that you put up with abusive behavior on his part.
If you don’t see any signs of improvement, it might be time to see this as one of the major relationship red flags and to call it quits. Staying in a relationship with someone who refuses to better himself as a human being and is set on his own redundant thinking and ways is bad for you and your mental health. You deserve much better than that. You can only do so much to improve your relationship; he needs to meet you halfway too.
11. Approach a therapist
Counseling has many benefits and so if you and your boyfriend are keen to seek help, it can be good to speak to a therapist. A therapist will be able to help you both reconnect and work through your boyfriend’s issues of insecurity. Thus, taking the help of one would be a good idea for both your boyfriend and you. If your boyfriend suggests this himself, it is an encouraging sign that indicates that he is willing to improve himself and realizes there is an issue that needs resolving.
Make sure you encourage this and help him find a good therapist to deal with his issues. You may do your best to figure out how to deal with an insecure man and save your relationship but may not have the necessary know-how and skills to help him through his issues. This is why nudging him to seek professional help is your best recourse for remedying this issue.
12. When dating an insecure man, compliment him now and again
Dating an insecure man means you are dating a man with low self-esteem. If you compliment him from time to time, then you will get an opportunity to make him see himself in a better light. Just be as smooth and real as possible when complimenting him, so that it can help boost his self-esteem. It has to be believable to work.
Perhaps there are things happening at work or with his family that are making him doubt his self-worth and your kind words might help him build back his self-esteem. A little “I’m so proud of you today” or “I love it when you do that for your sister” can go a long way in making him feel recognized. It never hurts to make your loved one feel special every now and then, uplifting their mood and self-confidence in the process.
13. Watch what you say
How to have a relationship with an insecure man? Try not to say anything that unnecessarily hurts your boyfriend. Yes, if you’re in the middle of a heated argument you have to present your arguments, but try your best to keep calm and not hit him where it hurts. You do not have to change yourself, but just be mindful, so that you do not upset him needlessly. Work with him gradually and take him into confidence.
Do not be afraid to ask his opinion on certain things. Let’s say you’re planning to upgrade your wardrobe or are just in the mood for some shopping, ask your boyfriend for his opinion on dresses, shoes, accessories.
If you’re at home and doing this online, it can be a fun way to spend a lazy afternoon at home and get to know each other’s tastes a little better. He will feel like he is important to you and this will also help you gauge what he is comfortable with. You must remember that you have the last say though, as it is your life and you can’t let him walk all over you.
14. Become a good listener to him
To understand him, you have to become a good listener. Listening intently really helps a relationship flourish. When he rants about things that he is insecure about, he has to feel that you are genuinely there for him and listen to his worries. That is the only way he will be able to shed the weight of everything that is bothering him so much.
Sometimes, a simple rant about a seemingly mundane thing can highlight an underlying issue that is making him act in a certain way. Therefore, you must listen to him when he is upset or going through something to understand better and make your relationship stronger.
Related Reading: 21 Elements Of Developing Respect In A Relationship
15. Do not joke about his insecurities
Whether in public or in private, you have to make sure that you do not joke about his insecurities. Refrain from criticizing him in public or cracking a joke in front of all your friends. You have to respect him and avoid hurting him, at all costs. Remember you’re not just dealing with an insecure partner here but also a man with low self-esteem. And poking at his vulnerabilities will only do more harm than good.
Joy and Hunter were once out having dinner with their friends. Hunter had recently put on a few pounds due to work-related stress and he felt uncomfortable in his body. He had shared this with Joy very openly and yet when his friends poked his belly and laughed at it, Joy jumped on the bandwagon and laughed with them. Hunter felt violated and had a hard time trusting her again. Needless to say, their sex life became non-existent after this as well because he felt so self-conscious around her.
16. When dating someone with insecurities, encourage them to socialize
If you find yourself wondering “My boyfriend is insecure, how do I get him to open up?”, we recommend that you encourage him to socialize. Being around positive people will allow him to improve himself and become a better person. Thus, encourage him to socialize with genuine people who love him.
As he realizes how much love and happiness await out there for him, he may let go of these negative thoughts that he has been clinging onto. This change may not happen overnight but with consistent effort and a commitment to breaking negative thought patterns and replacing them with positive thoughts, he can get there. Your role in all of this is to help him stay on track and not get disheartened by small setbacks along the way.
Sometimes you might need relationship advice and relationship counseling to deal with the insecurity in men. Relationship therapy also helps. Dating an insecure man doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. You just have to be wise, kind, and patient to ensure that the insecurity does not get worse over time.
FAQs
Having an insecure partner can make your dating experience quite unsatisfying. Constantly fighting their insecurities can be a lot of work. An insecure man is overprotective, possessive and jealous, exhibits low levels of self-esteem and can be controlling. These attributes can lead to relationship doom.
You need to be supportive and understanding, and not react adversely when he has his issues. Discuss with him his childhood and past relationship issues, and suggest relationship counseling to get over his insecurities.
A little bit of insecurity is present in everyone and it could be a sign of love in small bits, yes. But if the insecurity dictates how a relationship will move forward, then it becomes an unhealthy relationship very quickly.
With a man who is emotionally insecure, you have to be gentle, understand his issues, compliment him often and involve him in your life. Keep showering him with sweet, kind words to make him believe that you love him dearly.
If his emotional insecurity is playing havoc with your life and relationship, and if you have tried your level best to assure him that there is no reason to be insecure, you have done your bit. After that, if he doesn’t understand and continues to hurt you, it might be best to break up. Insecure guys are worth dating when you love them and you know that they will change for you. If they don’t, then there is no point.
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