Does marriage take the fun out of sex?

Raksha Bharadia
marriage take the fun out of sex

According to Jared Diamond, author of Why is Sex Fun? our sexuality, while seen as normal by us, can seem bizarre when compared to most other species out there. We humans have sex in private, on any day of the month or year, including when the female is pregnant, beyond her reproductive years, or between her fertile cycles. We use sex to develop intimacy and bonding, and most importantly, we have sex for recreation and fun. We are creatively, incorrigibly, constantly and unashamedly sexual, and our strange sex lives were as crucial to our rise to human status as were our large brains.

kamasutra sculptures

‘we are the land of Kamasutra’ Image Source

From ancient India to medieval, from books to songs, from paintings to idols, to folklore and dance, from the domestic to the sacred, our temples, our texts, written and oral, our music and our performing arts bear testimony to the high status the erotic enjoyed all through the centuries. We have consistently celebrated the beauty of the human body and the pleasure it is capable of. We are the land of the Kamasutra!

Related reading: I tried Kamasutra positions with my boyfriend and this is what happened

But somewhere along the way, (Mughal invasion, Victorian puritanism), sex became wrong. From celebrating the erotic, we turned into a culture of silence and taboos. What was once regarded as beautiful and auspicious enough to be carved on temple walls became something that should be hidden and not spoken about. What was once an open attitude turned into ignorance and embarrassment. It became about ‘duty’ and procreation, devoid of words like pleasure and intimacy.

And then the rise of romantic love once more led to the sexualisation of love. Marital passion became important as never before. Sex in marriage turned into its great ‘fix’. And sex became demanding, with its new goals of intimacy, recreation and pleasure. It now had to be ‘great’ to be good.

Though sex is an intensely private act, its norms are firmly entrenched via various media. There is no ideal level of sexual activity; it varies from people to settings, to cultural and social mores to fitness levels, etc., yet we are constantly bombarded with the numbers game, how much is normal within the first few years, how much later; we are told what is normal, we believe male libido is more than the female’s. It is a well-known and experienced fact that desire wanes as the marriage matures, yet we are sold the idea of ‘unending desire’. Benedetto Croce (Italian philosopher) said that marriage is ‘the grave of savage love’, yet we blame our partners for this very natural decline, or worse, ourselves. We live in a web of contradictions, confusion and discontent; the sex survey we conducted via SurveyMonkey brought forth some interesting data.

Sex after marriage

Desire wanes after marriage Image Source

Related reading: Busting common sexual myths and tips to improve sex life manifold

Did you know that 53% of couples either think that their spouses are unhappy with their sex lives, or worse, don’t know how they feel; but when we asked if they have ever visited a counsellor when they had issues in their sex life, 93% answered in the negative?

Did you know that 43% think that a marriage can be happy without sex and just love (companionate)? Yet when we asked how important was it them for their partner to be faithful, an overwhelming 86% said, ‘important’.

No sex, please, we’re married

Our marriage wasn’t loveless, just sexless

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