Who likes to be yelled at? Nobody. It’s disrespectful, can be traumatizing, and damages the foundations of your marriage. Readers have shared with us, “My husband yells at me. It makes me angry/sad/go numb.” If you relate to that, then tell us, is yelling a pattern for him? You need to know that this behavior is a form of emotional abuse, and you are under no circumstance obliged to take this.
You can walk away from the conversation or the relationship itself if it is taking a toll on your mental health because nothing is more important than your peace of mind. To find out more about how to handle a yelling husband, we reached out to counseling psychologist Namrata Sharma (Masters in Applied Psychology), who is a mental health and SRHR advocate and specializes in offering counseling for toxic relationships, trauma, grief, relationship issues, gender-based and domestic violence.
Why Does My Husband Yell At Me? 7 Possible Reasons
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You might be having a hard time navigating why your husband shouts at you often, what is rubbing him the wrong way, and causing him to react with such hostility. Most of the time, the yelling isn’t about you, but about them. Here’s a common concern a Reddit user shared, “Is it normal/okay for your significant other to yell at you? I don’t know how to react when my spouse says hurtful things.” Below are some of the answers, as unfair and unjustified as they are.
1. Stress – one of the reasons husbands yell at their wives
My friend Anya, who has been married for six years, said, “I want to know why my husband yells at me in public or when we’re alone. He was never like this. Something seems off with him and his out-of-the-blue yelling makes me anxious. I shut down when my husband yells at me.” It could be because of the stress he’s facing at work (though that’s certainly not an excuse to yell). A person who is stressed goes through many emotions. They feel frustration, anger, and anxiety.
This could be a way for him to cope with the stress and this momentary escape becomes a regularity every time he is stressed. We ask Namrata, is yelling a pattern? She says, “Yelling can possibly be a pattern if your husband very frequently indulges in such acts. As the yelling increases, so does the aggression and anger.”
Related Reading: “My Husband Misinterprets Everything I Say” – 17 Tips To Help You
2. Communication issues
Namrata says, “The central reason behind your husband yelling at you could be miscommunication or lack of communication. The husband feels that his wife is either not able to comprehend where he’s coming from or doesn’t care about understanding his side of things.
“Communication problems in relationships are quite common. A husband’s yelling could come out of feeling misunderstood or not heard. He feels like his wife isn’t interested in having a conversation with him. This frustrates him and he resorts to yelling. He raises his voice in order to get her attention. But that’s when things take a different turn. The man’s partner feels disrespected and they revert by getting defensive. If you want to stop a yelling husband, then first try and assess the communication issues that could be the cause for his behavior.”
3. They are going through intense emotions
What does it mean when your husband yells at you? It could mean that they are going through a turmoil of emotions they aren’t able to endure. A user on Reddit shares, “Yelling is usually a sign that someone doesn’t feel listened to, and/or is experiencing some intense emotion. If my wife or I start talking louder, that’s usually a cue to the other to slow down, take a breath, and ask: what is really happening here?”
The next time you are wondering “Why does my husband yell at me?”, ask him what he is feeling at that moment. Excessive yelling can also be an indicator of mental health struggle. Whether it’s a lack of emotional regulation or mental health issues, it is advisable to seek professional help.
4. Lack of purpose in life
A man goes through a lot of pressure in his life. It’s because of the expectations set by society. These angry outbursts could be because of those societal pressures and expectations. You need to have a degree at a certain age, then get a job, get married, have children, take care of your parents, and whatnot. Maybe all this is making him question his purpose. He needs some self-love tips to regain his self-esteem and confidence.
If this is the answer, then help him find out what he wants to do with his life. The only way to do that is by trying a bunch of different things. Try any new activity or help him get back to his childhood hobbies as these hobbies can be turned into passion and passion can be turned into a full-fledged business.
5. They want to dominate the conversation
Namrata says, “And finally, by yelling at his wife, the husband is trying to dominate the conversation. Many men do this and it’s nothing new. He is trying to overpower his wife by raising his voice. He is just being a bully and trying to have the upper hand in the relationship. And let’s make one thing clear. Constant yelling by a partner can never lead to a healthy relationship.”
My friend Andrea from Yoga class shared the struggle she is facing with her husband. She said, “He has never liked displays of love or tried to stimulate vulnerability in the relationship. I’ve thought about it a lot and tried to figure out why my husband yells at me when I cry. His deep-rooted fear of intimacy and an inability to empathize are the only answers I could come up with,” shares Andy.
6. The environment in which he grew up
Frequent yelling in relationships can be influenced by early experiences and conditioning from primary caregivers. Growing up in an environment where yelling was a common form of communication may normalize this behavior and lead individuals to replicate it in their own relationships.
Namrata says, “He could also be trying to create fear in you by yelling at you just like a parent yells at their child to discipline them. Yelling becomes a pattern when there is a lot of disturbance in the relationship.” If you are saying, “My husband yells at me in front of my child,” then there are chances your children might grow up and act the same way, or fall victim to such behavior in their future relationships.
Some men hold a deep-rooted misogynist attitude toward women. They feel entitled to shout, dictate, degrade, and control their wives. They may consider it to be their right and responsibility to use means like yelling to keep women in check. We understand that this is a serious thing to consider, but we also believe in leaving no stone unturned.
According to a UN study, the percentage of men with some bias against women grew from 89.4% between 2004 and 2009 to 89.9% between 2010 and 2014. So it is safe to say that even in this woke era, misogyny is more widespread than we imagine it to be.
9 Expert Ways To Stop Your Husband From Yelling At You
Disagreements and arguments are common in relationships, but frequent yelling can strain relationships, the partner who yells as well as the one facing the obnoxious music. Why do I cry when my husband yells at me, you ask? According to a study, wives who reported experiencing social sabotage reported an increase in overwhelming emotional rush and a decrease in health over the 5 years of the study.
Namrata says, “Yelling comes under the category of verbal, emotional, and even domestic abuse. It is very common for yelling to happen in relationships. But if the yelling is because of trivial reasons or happens very frequently, then it’s one of the alarming signs you are being verbally abused.” So, how to stop a yelling husband? Let’s find out…
1. Try starting a casual discussion
“This is the first step you need to take if your husband frequently yells at you. Establish good communication between you and your husband. Your conversations don’t have to be anything deep or meaningful. See if your husband is in a good mood and strike up a conversation about what has been on his mind recently,” Namrata advises.
When both of you are in a good mood, better ideas start flowing in and you understand each other’s perspectives in a better way. If you want to know how to handle a yelling husband, have a light conversation about his perspective on subjects like emotional regulation, conflict resolution, etc. She adds, “Stay calm and let him know that you have been at the receiving end of their constant yelling and screaming. Let them know that you feel disconnected and you need to communicate to find each other again.”
2. Have cooling-off periods
Namrata says, “When you feel like the argument is getting out of your hands and the yelling is too much to take, walk away. Him yelling and you yelling in return is just going to make matters worse. If it gets heated from both sides, it will wreak havoc and the cycle will continue.”
My sister was in an emotionally draining marriage. All hell broke loose for her when she came home one day with her bags packed. She said, “I can’t take it anymore. My husband yells at me in front of his family.” We were shocked at first because her husband was always loving when he was around us. If you’re going through the same thing with your partner, then make sure you both take a pause and put a pin on the issue for later, when your family members are not around.
3. Identify the problem
Humans are quite driven to find love, affection, and warmth. It’s one of our desperate attempts to be happy. When that happiness is threatened by yelling, constant conflicts, and lack of communication in a marriage, it becomes very important to identify the cause behind such unusual behavior.
Namrata says, “Once you have made your partner understand that there is something lacking in his communication, make him understand that it’s causing a lot of problems in the dynamic. Both of you need to understand, identify, and handle the conflict. He might get offended by this and will try to maintain his stance by putting up walls around him. Here are a few questions you can ask him to help identify the root cause of his supersonic outbursts:
- Is there something specific that triggers your aggressive reactions?
- How do you feel before and after you become aggressive?
- Have you experienced similar behavior in the past, either from yourself or from others?
- Do you feel like your needs or boundaries are being disregarded or violated?
- Are there any underlying stressors or unresolved issues that might be contributing to your aggression?
4. Accept the problem
Namrata says, “When your husband finally reveals the root cause behind his anger, and let’s say the problem is related to you, have an open mind and try to understand everything from his point of view. This is not the time to get offended by what he’s saying and start an argument again.
Maybe he doesn’t like a certain habit of yours and it rubs him the wrong way. This is where a lot of acceptance is needed. If you start quarreling again, then there’s no way to break that cycle. Try to understand what he’s saying and don’t get defensive about anything. Let him vent his heart out.
Related Reading: 6 Reasons A Guy Ignores You After A Fight And 5 Things You Can Do
5. Make him realize it’s affecting your kids
If the thought, “My husband yells at me in front of my child” has raised concerns about your child’s wellbeing; then make him realize how traumatizing this irrational aggression is for kids. When parents yell at each other, it impacts the child’s brain development. It even leads to depression. That’s how serious it is.
Namrata says, “When the child is just six months old, they register the distress between parents. So, don’t think just because your child is a kid, they won’t know what a hostile environment is. Kids never get used to parents yelling at each other or them, no matter how old or young they are. It is always harmful.”
If you guys are expecting and you’re wondering “Why my husband yells at me when I am pregnant?”, then you need to make your husband understand the distress caused by his rage and aggression can also affect the unborn child. A study states that a fetus is highly vulnerable and sensitive to pain and stress, and exposure has the potential for negative developmental consequences.
6. Try to be patient
Namrata says, “This is going to demand a lot of patience from you. It will even drain you. But if you love this person and want to be with them, then being patient with them is how you fight it together. Breaking a pattern isn’t easy and it won’t happen overnight. Set ground rules and look after your mental health as well. Once you see a little bit of change, you will start appreciating your husband for trying. Show your husband this change as well. Tell him his efforts are acknowledged. The more you acknowledge, the more he will be motivated to better himself for the sake of this marriage.”
You need to find ways to be patient in a relationship and you can only showcase this attribute when it is the most challenging thing to do. Here are a few things you can do to stay patient when you’re being yelled at:
- Take deep breaths and count to ten to help calm your own emotions
- Remind yourself that his yelling may not be about you personally, but rather his own frustrations or triggers
- Focus on listening calmly and empathetically, even if you disagree with what he’s saying
- Set boundaries and communicate assertively about your own needs, calmly expressing how his yelling affects you
7. Tell him he is seen, heard, and loved
If you are wondering “Why my husband yells at me if I ask him questions?”, the reason could be that he felt unheard when he actually wanted to feel heard the most. Now he is just rebelling by ineffectively projecting his resentment toward feeling invalidated. It is important to recognize this possibility and cater to your partner’s needs even when they aren’t able to express them appropriately. Here are a few things you can do:
- Try some romantic gestures that non-verbally communicate that you care and value him
- Cook his favorite meals as a surprise
- Take him out to dinner
- Get things for him that he values as gifts
- Shower him with words of affirmation.
8. Encourage him to go to therapy
Namrata says, “Yelling can cause a lot of mental trauma and stress to the receiver which can lead to a lot of problems in the future. In many cases, this has led to depression. What people fail to realize is that the one who is doing the yelling suffers too. Yelling as a reaction to stressors takes a physical and emotional toll on the yeller and receiver.”
Encouraging your husband to seek professional help will help him understand himself better. He will be better equipped to regulate his emotions. Lava, a scuba diver from Atlanta, said, “My husband yells at me in public or in private, it doesn’t matter where we are and I always end up crying like a baby. I kept asking myself why my husband yells at me when I cry, does he feel no remorse about how it makes me feel? With time, I could see it taking a toll on him too. Last year we started therapy and he realized that his habit of yelling was a result of his childhood environment. As he understood himself better, he has found better ways to respond to triggers.”
Related Reading: 9 Ways To Fix A Broken Marriage And Save It
9. Tell him you won’t take it anymore
Yelling in anger is not an easy thing to deal with. If he resorts to name-calling and snide remarks, then you need to tell him you’ve had enough. Ask him to get better if he wants a happy future with you. Namrata says, “It’s okay to be in a relationship as long as the person is trying to get better. But if there seems to be no change, be it unintentionally or intentionally, you need to tell him you won’t take it anymore.
“You can’t be in a relationship where yelling is a pattern. How long can you handle a yelling husband? Not too long before your mental health reaches a dark place and that’s when you know it’s time to break up. If you are saying, “My husband yells at me in front of his family,” then maybe he has seen this behavior normalized during his childhood. For him, it may be normal. But it’s not. This is how he projects his anger. Make your husband realize that you don’t deserve to be yelled at and if it continues you might have to consider leaving him.
- If yelling is constant and has become a major part of your daily life, then it can soon turn into aggression and domestic violence
- Stress and lack of purpose in life are a couple of reasons that husbands get angry and lose their temper often
- Talk to your husband and identify the problem. Make him feel like he is validated, valued, and treasured
- Talk to your husband and convince him to get help
- If his behavior doesn’t stop, this may end up affecting you and your child’s mental health severely. It’s better to leave him in that case
It’s one thing to get angry and yell once in a while because after all, we are all humans and we can’t always handle our emotions rationally. Sometimes the anger gets the better of us. But if this is happening every other day and your husband doesn’t care about putting in an effort to change it, then this is nothing short of abuse.
When your husband shouts at you, it’s an unpleasant situation to be in. If your husband’s yelling is getting out of hand and you feel you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
Conflicts are common in every household. But that doesn’t mean you will yell at your spouse every opportunity you get. It damages the person’s self-esteem and it creates fear inside the person who is being yelled at. The answer is no. It is never okay to yell at your spouse.
It affects a marriage in many ways. You stop respecting them, you stop trusting them, and there will be little to no sign of affection if the yelling continues. When you yell at someone, it makes them feel disrespected. It has major effects on not just the kids but on fetuses as well. “My husband yells at me when I am pregnant”, is one of the most common complaints we receive and it is alarming!
Tit for tat isn’t the way you go about it. Don’t yell because your husband is yelling. Try to understand that you both need to get out of this volatile situation. Be calm and let him calm down as well.