Being pursued by a man who’s already taken has an excitement of its own. While this is immensely flattering, the rush does eventually wear off, leaving you with a burning question – if he has a girlfriend, why does he want me?
This situation can be very confusing; it generates feelings of frustration and drains one emotionally. Having seen this first-hand with my friend Rebecca, I can attest to the pain it puts a girl through. The ‘committed colleague’ (as I call him) fired mixed signals consistently.
Being in close proximity to him just made things more complicated. Rebecca struggled with work and compromised her social life. Sleepless nights and distraction were very common when the thoughts about their relationship were on her mind.
She was always torn between wanting to talk to him and maintaining a distance. “Why does he want to be around me when he has a girlfriend? He contacts me despite having a girlfriend… Oh God, he has a girlfriend so should I stop talking to him? He’s always flirting with me, but I know he has a girlfriend!”
But I’ll tell you what I told her – broach the topic step by step. Disorganization never got us anywhere, but I’ve got your back! There are just three questions we need to address, so here we go!
What Are The Signs A Guy With A Girlfriend Is Trying To Woo You?
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First things first. Is he really dropping hints or are you reading too much into something that’s not there? After all, it is easy to mistake affectionate friendship for interest. Well, let’s look at the signs, shall we?
1. He’s very keen on talking on to you
The primary thing to look out for is communication. How often does he text or call you? And keep in mind that communication means communication he initiates. If he’s the one to strike up a conversation frequently, it could be the beginnings of a courtship.
Related Reading: 7 Signs He Wants To Make You His Girlfriend
2. He showers you with compliments
Next, the nature of communication is important. Are his compliments general (“You’re looking sharp today”) or intimate (“Those earrings look great on you”)? If he pays attention to detail, you need to ask yourself “Why is he talking to me if he has a steady girlfriend?”
Compliments are always a way to a girl’s heart, and flattery affects our unconscious mind. We are very easy to romantically manipulate when we’re buttered up. Being wary around a man who’s already committed and still showing interest is a good idea.
3. He treats you like a romantic interest
The next sign is fairly obvious – he wants to hang out with you in date-like settings. Romantic dinners, coffee dates, one-on-one time – these are all signs of interest, not just friendship. He probably buys you gifts and flowers and treats you like a girlfriend already.
And I can understand the thrill of being wooed by a committed guy – it’s flattering after all!
You both have inside jokes, he has a nickname for you and he’s always making plans about what you’ll do next. His eyes never leave you, and you reciprocate these glances. Some might even say that he treats you better than his girlfriend.
4. He tells you that his current relationship is making him unhappy
But what is a real mind-bender is how he portrays his existing relationship to you. Is he very unhappy with his woman? Does he tell you that he wants to break up with her?
There’s a good chance that his sob story is genuine, but I’d still tell you to be on alert. Displaying themselves as a victim is a classic player move. Don’t be too pleased if he says he’ll break up; he probably won’t and you’ll definitely get hurt. You’re 100% valid in asking why he wants you if he has a girlfriend.
Related Reading: What If You’re Just The ‘Backup’ Plan?
5. He’s very into flirting and touching
You should be on the lookout for any flirting and that includes touching too. Brazen flirting is a sign of interest, as is touching. Do his hands brush up against yours? Does he hold you by the waist when you’re posing for a picture? Have you gotten close enough to kiss?
You really need to be asking yourself why he’s doing these things if he has a girlfriend in his life. All these are indicators that he wants you to be comfortable around him and he wants to build a closer, more intimate bond with you.
6. His body language changes around you
Body language has always been a sign for whether a guy is into you. The ‘committed colleague’ used to get excessively shy around Rebecca – he would get flustered easily, all tongue tied and awkward.
You can understand the kind of effect you have on him through his body language. Shyness, cockiness, pretentiousness, and overconfidence are a few other examples of changes in behavior.
Related Reading: 21 Signs Of Chemistry Between Two People
7. He wants your validation
And last but never the least – is your opinion important to him? If he comes to you before making decisions and seeks your advice, then he wants validation. Or attention. Or both.
Why Is A Guy With A Girlfriend Showing Interest In You?
Okay, now you know he’s trying to woo you. And I know what you’re thinking – if he has a girlfriend, why does he want me? If his relationship is fulfilling, he should stay loyal to his lady. Courting you and forming an emotional attachment is not exactly appropriate from his end, right?
There are two reasons behind such behavior, because there are different kinds of men who have affairs. You must objectively decide which category he belongs to. After all, you’re the best judge of his behavior.
1. The player dude
The first kind are Casanovas. They like the attention which comes from having several women around them. So, the guy might be flirty and cute because he just wants to have some fun. Sure, he has someone back home, but that doesn’t mean he won’t chase you.
But why does he want to be around you if he has a girlfriend already? Well, as you’ll soon see from all the reasons stated below, the possibilities are endless.
It can be possible that he’s looking for a physical relationship. A no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits kind of a situation, or maybe even a one-night-stand. Maybe he wants to casually date you on the side while he remains committed to his lady. Maybe he’s commitment phobic.
You’ll probably believe his lies, because he’s a charmer.
Related Reading: Why Do Girls Fall For Bad Boys?
Some guys tend to play around with girls to feel better about themselves. You should probably think about the possibility that there’s someone besides you (and his girlfriend) in his life.
I came across this variety of men a few years ago when I was asked out by a guy who forgot to take his engagement ring off. That’s an awkward situation I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
The first explanation answers the question “Why is he flirting with me when he has a girlfriend?” It is because he’s ‘playing the field’.
2. The honest lover boy
The second kind, however, are genuinely dissatisfied with their relationship. It’s possible that their existing relationship is reaching an end, and they are drifting away from their partner. Maye it is a toxic one and they truly want to get out of it.
Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can be extremely difficult and maybe your company provides him some respite. In this case, the guy might really be falling for you. He sees potential in the two of you as a couple and there’s certainly more to it than just sex.
The ‘committed colleague’ belonged to this category. He wanted a future with Rebecca but having feelings for her generated a lot of guilt. Thus, the mixed signals.
Related Reading: 18 Mutual Attraction Signs That Can’t Be Ignored
It’s nice to remember that if he genuinely likes you, this situation is very tricky for him too. He’s the one in a commitment that needs breaking off while dealing simultaneously with feelings for you. This explanation makes you believe in the goodness of the world. We can only hope that it’s true for you.
What Should You Do If A Guy With A Girlfriend Pursues You?
The million-dollar question! It is time to address what a girl’s gotta do when she’s experiencing attention from a taken man.
1. Make your stance clear and go in for the swoop
Once you’ve determined whether his feelings towards you are genuine, get some clarity with yourself. What if you aren’t ready for commitment? Do you want something long-term with him?
If yes, then persuading him won’t be too hard. Sit down and have a conversation with him directly. If he is already considering breaking up with his partner, a conversation with you will seal the deal.
You ought to go this way if you see something substantial between the two of you. Are you compatible enough to make a relationship work? If you’re absolutely certain that dating him is what you’d want, then talk to him with honesty.
Personally, getting involved in someone’s relationship is a big no-no. It puts me in the middle of unnecessary drama, and neither do I think it is my place to interfere. But the ethical issues of this conundrum are for you to dwell on.
Related Reading: 6 People Share The Lessons They Learned After Cheating And Infidelity
2. A side fling for some temporary fun
On the other hand, if you are comfortable being ‘the other woman’, then having a fling on the side would be the route to take. But this path runs the risk of getting messy if one of you gets emotionally attached. Being on the same page is important for casual dating.
Not all individuals are built for casual dating or one-night-stands and you ought to figure out if you’re one of them. The temptation to date him will be super strong, but it is always better to not get involved with someone who is already taken.
And I would also urge you to put yourself in the shoes of his girlfriend. Hmmm…food for thought?
3. Steer clear of drama and say goodbye
And finally, if you like your life uncomplicated and drama-free, then you could minimize your contact with him, eventually phasing out the communication.
I call this the Rebecca Route (any guesses why?). This way is much like ripping off a band aid – painful at first, but simpler in the long run. You’ll miss him a lot initially because you loved spending time with him.
But soon things will get back to normal and you won’t have to worry about why he texts you if he has a girlfriend. Get comfortable with idea of being single, it’ll be wonderful to have some time to yourself.
The Rebecca Route is straightforward and is a big fat yes to the question “He has a girlfriend…should I stop talking to him?” And you should do this not only to uncomplicate your life, but also for your wellbeing! No matter which way you go about it, be sure to set your boundaries clearly in the relationship.
Solve your dilemma of “if he has a girlfriend why does he want me?” by asking yourself all these questions. And don’t stress over a man who’s already in a relationship – just protect your space! You can always fall back on us for more advice – we’ll be there for you.
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