Counselling

How to get over the married man that I am attracted to?

I don't want to get involved in an affair with a married man, even though I like him a lot!
sad lady thinking

Question:

Hello ma’am,

I knew him as a family friend when I was in school. Once I grew up, his friendship with me has increased and over the past few month our meetings are getting romantic. But now he is a married man with children and he still keeps coming to meet me. I am a college student and he is much older. The problem is that I am attracted to him and also addicted to his messages.

Since the past one year, he has been going through some marriage problems. While I am drawn to him, and can’t get him out of my head he too doesn’t miss a chance to hug/kiss/hold me. We connect mostly with WhatsApp. But I don’t want to to go deeper in all this! Even though there is no ‘affair’ to speak of yet, I want to get over him and get him out of my mind. But am totally unable to do so! Please help me.

Related reading: 25 Reasons you should never have an affair with a married man

Relationship counselling at Bonobology

Mallika Pathak says:

Dear College girl,

Getting over someone is not easy.

Having an initial strong “no contact” rule will certainly help you in moving on. As you want to move ahead in life, and put all of this behind you, the first thing that I would recommend for you to do is to immediately stop all contact with this person. No calls, no message chats, and absolutely no meeting. It will be hard, as you will crave the attention all the more. Don’t worry. That is a natural response.

Engage your mind in tasks and hobbies. Keep yourself busy in work. Reconnect with friends, pick up a hobby and pursue it further.

Take a trustworthy friend into confidence. That can help in case you feel that it’s difficult for you to exercise that amount of self control. Ask them to supervise you; or even take your phone away if need be. Remember, this will be for your benefit.

Be mindful of what you’re looking for in a partner and in a relationship. Small tasks like listing out pros and cons of the current relationship will help. Be absolutely honest with yourself when you do this.

The most important thing is to focus on self growth and self development. Make yourself feel special. Give yourself love and attention that you think you should have. Appreciate yourself. This will serve to be an excellent time to understand who you truly are. Don’t immediately jump into another relationship. Give some time for your self to heal.

Get into therapy to process all these emotions, it will be an exhilarating experience.

All my regards,
Mallika

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