Why do men cheat?
“Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can.” Samantha in Sex and the City-2.
Trust me, this is the quote that best suits the mood for this article. There are fathers who say men must sow wild oats but omit mentioning when they could stop doing so. Indulgent moms who will say “oh boys will be boys” and the saga goes on of several unwitting ‘other women’ getting disillusioned and disappointed, not to mention very hurt. Meanwhile they concoct several lies that holds up the illusion of “love” for this married man who has so bewitched her.
My advice to all single women indulging in this fantasy of falling in love with a married man is to put yourself in the shoes of his existing, real wife. You may see the light. Then enjoy the sex, use protection, and say goodbye or (and get out). But most women who get into the sordidness of screwing a married man don’t realise 2 things:
1. That all men, married or not, are just trying to get into her panties. No romance here baby!
2. All he wants is to let off some steam and get some novelty – he doesn’t want another marriage.
So here are some lies the famed other woman tells herself while holding on to the illusion that this is a good thing.
1. There must be something wrong with the wife, it’s her fault that he is straying
People at large, most commonly hold this belief, and the one who consoles oneself with this lie is the notorious “other woman”. She has already crossed the invisible line of integrity. She rationalises in her mind all the questions she has for her married lover. Why does he make love to me if all is well in the marriage? She must be old, ugly, passive or boring…all the parameters she justifies she compensates for. It never crosses her mind that the answer to her question is a simple shrug and “because – you were available.”
2. I am doing nothing wrong, he is responsible for his marriage
“I am not the married one – he is.” she says emphatically “I am not cheating anyone, he should be worried, I am not answerable to anyone”, argues the single other woman. It’s like the cat who squeezes his eyes shut tightly, hoping that in doing so, the rest of the world won’t catch him stealing a drink of milk, from the neighbour’s kitchen.
3. I am sure he will divorce her and we will live happily ever after
Falling in love is by itself an addictive state of mind – the neural networks that light up in the brain are the same as those triggered by narcotics, alcohol and chocolate. And just as in the case of drugs, the brain needs more to get to the next level of ecstasy. So, in that frenzy for ‘more’ the other woman delves into her nesting instincts and starts building her own love nest. Blinded by her own hormonal thrust, she fails to realise that he has already ‘been there and done that’ – with his wife. In this vicious cycle of lies and self-deception, some women avidly desire to destroy one happy family, just to be able to start her own.
4. I am sure he will never cheat on me, after all, he says he loves me
Somewhere, in moments of lucidity the other woman suffers anxiety in the form of clarity – he does love me so he may not cheat on me? And a little voice inside chirps “but he did cheat on his wife, so you could be next.” Which is the truth nearly always. Like the ostrich that hides his head under the sand every time he senses danger, she deludes herself that she would have his undying loyalty. Poor delusional other woman!
5. I want to have his baby, now that we are in love
Most single men find it extremely hard to say the words “I love you”. However, the minute a married man starts cheating on his wife, the other woman gets dollops of I-love-you almost as if he has discovered he glue to keep his infidelities afloat. Meanwhile Ms. Other woman is flying high on the promise of a new life with her married man. This is particularly manipulative on the part of the other woman, she will go off her contraception and insist on ditching the condom, because he loves his own children so much, he couldn’t refuse hers. Right? Wrong! This lie is the true reason why extra-marital affairs rarely last. The married man runs scared.
Though Bollywood is full of examples of PYT (pretty young things) who chose to sleep with pot bellied producers/ directors to get a role and get upwardly mobile, time and again their greed has been the cause of broken families, misery and dysfunctional children. If these young women had just stopped to think that the Mumbai seas are full of single fish, this could have been avoided. This is not a moralistic judgmental statement – just think about it – a discreet mistress would have been less disastrous than wanting to marry an already married man.