I’m married and still attracted to both men and women

Priya Chaphekar
you me and her

(As told to Priya Chaphekar)

What is this thing I feel?

When you grow up in a particular way, you have no control whatsoever over your sexual orientation. You’re mentally conditioned to be attracted to people of the opposite sex, so when you start having feelings for people from the same sex, it suddenly hits you and you’re like, “I know I’m not gay. But I’m definitely not straight.”

The road to discovery

Bisexuality, for me, was more subconscious than anything. The advent of teenage brought with it the awareness of the fact that I was an exceedingly sexual person. The tingly feelings had set in and I realised that when I did something about ‘that’ tingly feeling, it felt nice. Nevertheless, I was still a child on a wet and wild exploration.

My first boyfriend was someone I fell for. I didn’t know he was part of the LGBTQ community (I wish I could tell you how, but he won’t be too happy about it), and even when I found out, I felt nothing abnormal about it. It was after I turned 16 that I started reading about these things and that blew me over. I discovered that there are people of different sexualities and that not every gay guy or girl hits on a straight person.

I discovered that there are people of different sexualities and that not every gay guy or girl hits on a straight person.

Curious as a magpie, I plunged into the unknown waters, clueless about the path ahead.

I swam with the flow and eventually there came a phase when I wanted someone in my life – a guy or a girl, it didn’t really matter. People around me were brutally judgemental. Some said I was trying to act cool, the others thought that this was my strategy to seek attention, but the truth was that I walked into this territory much before I learnt about it.

Related reading: I had sex with my boyfriend and realised I’m lesbian

Girl gone wild

How exactly would you picture a girl like me in high school – dark, wavy locks, plunging neckline, pencil heels, red mouth and smoky eyes? Nope. I was this little person dressed in loose tees, baggy jeans and big floaters. I have managed to transform myself into the girl from the earlier picture, but that was a very recent change.

My first fling was with a guy I bumped into at a friend’s party. It was an explosive night, and I gathered enough evidence to prove that I was a firecracker in bed. To say that it boosted my confidence would be a gross understatement. There were times when I was attracted to a girlfriend, but I never crossed the line.

sad women

Representative Image source

“Are you seriously bisexual?” was a question asked by many. In fact, I was the first one to ask myself that. There have been countless times when I let it go, disregarding it as an infatuation or another drunken episode. But over time I realised that it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

There have been countless times when I let it go, disregarding it as an infatuation or another drunken episode. But over time I realised that it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

That happened at a house party and my first real encounter with a woman. We were both pretty drunk, and let’s just say that I was hoping something might happen. Not that I went out of my way to do anything about it. As luck would have it, one thing led to another and we ended up having a full-fledged make-out session. This particular episode cemented the fact that I wasn’t just ‘bi-curious’, but ‘bi-sexual’ and there was little I could do to change this orientation.

Between the sheets

I am as weirdly sexual in India as it as possible to be. I’m not just bi, I also practice BDSM – the dominant one when I’m with a woman and the submissive one when I’m with a man. But, the real challenge is to find a woman who shares the same wavelength. It’s difficult, but it’s not excruciatingly difficult. In fact, women are flattered when another woman asks them out – or at least I’ve been fortunate enough. Pick those subtle hints, I suggest – that shower of compliments, those subtle touches…but the most important of them all – take things slow and see how she feels.

There’s an exceptional difference between making love to a man and making love to a woman. And not all men I’ve been with were selfish, as most women say. I’ve known guys who’d go to town on me before nudging me to start pleasing them. But what differentiates lovemaking with a woman is that you know exactly what the other woman likes, so it’s way easier to replicate. Every woman has different erogenous zones – I know someone whose neck is sensitive, someone else who is turned on with lingering touches – the key is to try, tease, touch, test and go all out with your fingers, your tongue and eventually with toys, if you wish.

Between a man and a woman, the orgasm matters more. As opposed to that, homosexual relationships are more about pleasuring the other person rather than hitting the big-O. Although an orgasm is a “bi-product”, it isn’t necessarily the aim of being intimate.

Related reading: Things about the female orgasm that you didn’t know

Life after marriage

Being bisexual is something I’ve been open about for a long time. I don’t shy away from my sexuality and the fact that I’m attracted to both men and women. And that hasn’t changed after my marriage. Mind you, I haven’t been married too long, but I am married to this amazing guy who strongly believes that I shouldn’t restrict myself from doing things just because I’m different. We both have a ‘live-and-let-live’ policy, which, thank heavens, means that we can talk to each other about anything, without fear of judgement. But that doesn’t mean he’s particularly happy that he has to reel in this feisty tigress. I realised that when we were still dating and I told him about my bisexuality. True to his policy, he was perfectly fine with that, because it was what made me the woman I am today.

But, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t particularly happy about his reaction to another one of my questions – “What if our kids are bisexual or gay?” Something about his tone ticked me off, but I chose to ignore it. After all, it’s in the future. I’ll let you in on a little secret, though. I’ll be the happiest if my future kids are gay or bisexual. The environment around sexuality is slowly opening up and my child won’t have to face the challenges I had to. He/she will grow up to be bold and independent in a world that doesn’t judge a person based on his/her sexual preferences. I hope this dream of mine becomes a reality. Some day.

I was in love with a man and a woman at the same time, and that was weird!

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Pooja Priyamvada
Pooja Priyamvada August 22, 2018 - 6:07 pm

Like so much else bisexuality is a huge taboo in our culture

Kavya Anjali
Kavya Anjali June 16, 2018 - 8:49 am

Because, the dominant ideologues has systematically constructed the idea that any sexuality beyond male and female is a taboo to be dreaded of, Indian parents or even education system completely avoid sensitising their children about their body and the different sexual orientation that are in function. This is the reason why people from different sexuality suffer even coming to terms with their own originalities. But here’s what I want to tell you today. Being bisexual is okay. It is as human as being a straight is. And I am proud to see you embrace your origin. And whatever your kids may be in their sexuality, I am certain, they will be as fierce as you. 🙂

Preeti Goyal
Preeti Goyal June 5, 2018 - 2:04 pm

Women’s sexuality has historically been policed, denied and demonised in very particular ways, and for a woman to be anything other than passively heterosexual has often been considered an outright perversion.

In the above story, you got the right partner, lucky you! And I hope everyone thinks in the same way and not be judgemental. Really happy that people are acknowledging and appreciating the sexuality.

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