Being bisexual and married at the same time is something I have been juggling for a few years now. Coming out when you’re married requires a lot of courage, and to some extent some stability too, in terms of finances, and of course, love and support.
Bisexual women are already the target of a lot of bullying, but bisexual married women have to deal with the hate on an extreme level. But nothing in life comes easy, and I too paved my own way and story to tell to everyone.
I Think I’m Bisexual
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When you grow up in a particular way, you have little freedom in exploring your sexuality. You’re mentally conditioned to be attracted to people of the opposite sex and play out traditional gender roles, so when you start having feelings for people of the same sex, it suddenly hits you and you’re like, “I know I’m not gay. But I’m definitely not straight.”
But how long does it take to strike you- “I think I’m bisexual?” A piece of advice from me to you, start asking these questions in your teenage years. If you’re a bisexual woman married to a man, and you only just realized your sexuality, the road ahead of you is a long one.
How To Know If You Are Bisexual
Yes, I am bisexual and married. Married to a man. Yes, it took me a while to understand this. But to help bisexual women all around the world, I am sharing some tips, and narrating my story to help you answer the blaring question echoing in your mind- “how to know if you are bisexual?”
The road to discovery
Bisexuality, for me, was more subconscious than anything. The advent of the teen years brought with it the awareness of the fact that I was an exceedingly sexual person. The tingly feelings had set in and I realized that when I did something about ‘that’ tingly feeling, it felt nice.
Nevertheless, I was still a child on a wet and wild exploration. My first boyfriend was someone I fell for. I didn’t know he was part of the LGBTQ community, and even when I found out (I wish I could tell you how, but he won’t be too happy about it), I felt nothing abnormal about it.
It was after I turned 16 that I started reading about these things and that blew me over. I discovered that there are people of different sexualities and that not every gay guy or girl hits on a straight person.
Curious as a magpie, I plunged into the unknown waters, clueless about the path ahead. I swam with the flow and eventually, there came a phase when I wanted someone in my life – a guy or a girl, it didn’t really matter.
People around me were brutally judgemental. Some said I was trying to act cool, others thought that this was my strategy to seek attention, but the truth was that I walked into this territory much before I learned about it.
Girl gone wild
How exactly would you picture a girl like me in high school – dark, wavy locks, plunging neckline, pencil heels, red mouth and smoky eyes? Nope. I was this little person dressed in loose tees, baggy jeans and big floaters. I have managed to transform myself into the girl of that earlier description, but that has been a recent change.
My first fling was with a guy I bumped into at a friend’s party. It was an explosive night, and I gathered enough evidence to prove that I was a firecracker in bed. To say that it boosted my confidence would be a gross understatement. There were times when I was attracted to a girlfriend, but I never crossed the line.
“Are you seriously bisexual?” was a question asked by many. In fact, I was the first one to ask myself that. There have been countless times when I let it go, disregarding it as an infatuation or another drunken episode. But over time I realized that it had nothing to do with the alcohol.
I should have never suppressed those thoughts. It is better to accept yourself earlier on rather than discovering bisexuality later in life. I regret that I shut down completely because of my fear of coming out of the closet.
My first awakening happened at a house party which was my first real encounter with a woman. We were both pretty drunk, and let’s just say that I was hoping something might happen. Not that I went out of my way to do anything about it.
As luck would have it, one thing led to another and we ended up having a full-fledged make-out session. This particular episode cemented the fact that I wasn’t just ‘bi-curious’, but ‘bi-sexual’ and there was little I could do to change this orientation.
Between the sheets
I am as weirdly sexual as it is possible to be. I’m not just bi, I also practice BDSM – the dominant one when I’m with a woman and the submissive one when I’m with a man. But, the real challenge is to find a woman who shares the same wavelength. It’s difficult, but it’s not excruciatingly difficult.
In fact, women are flattered when another woman asks them out – or at least I’ve been fortunate enough. Pick those subtle hints, I suggest – that shower of compliments, those subtle touches…but the most important of them all – take things slow and see how she feels.
There’s an exceptional difference between making love to a man and making love to a woman. And not all men I’ve been with were selfish, as most women say. I’ve known guys who’d go to town on me before nudging me to start pleasing them.
But what differentiates lovemaking with a woman is that you know exactly what the other woman likes, so it’s way easier to replicate. Every woman has different erogenous zones – I know someone whose neck is sensitive, someone else who is turned on with lingering touches – the key is to try, tease, touch, test and go all out with your fingers, your tongue and eventually with toys, if you wish.
Related Reading: Things about the female orgasm that you didn’t know
Between a man and a woman, the orgasm matters more. As opposed to that, homosexual relationships are more about pleasuring the other person rather than hitting the big-O. Although an orgasm is a “bi-product”, it isn’t necessarily the aim of being intimate.
Being bisexual and married, I have picked up all these tricks now. Had I known earlier that women are so much easier to satisfy in bed, I would have never married a man.
Life after marriage
Being a bisexual wife is something I’ve been open about for some time now. I don’t shy away from my sexuality and the fact that I’m attracted to both men and women. And that hasn’t changed after my marriage.
Mind you, I haven’t been married too long, but I am married to this amazing guy who strongly believes that I shouldn’t restrict myself from doing things just because I’m different. We both have a ‘live-and-let-live’ policy, which, thank heavens, means that we can talk to each other about anything, without fear of judgment.
But that doesn’t mean he’s particularly happy that he has to reel in this feisty tigress. I realized that when we were still dating and I told him about my bisexuality. True to his policy, he was perfectly fine with that, because it was what made me the woman I am today.
It wasn’t all that easy in the beginning. Coming out when you’re married comes with a lot of drama – quarrels with the husband, in-laws constantly bickering, and ultimately they threw me out of the house. My husband loved me too much to leave me, and gradually came to support my sexuality.
But, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t particularly happy about his reaction to another one of my questions – “What if our kids are bisexual or gay?” Something about his tone ticked me off. I wanted to bust all the misconceptions about gay people right then. But I chose to ignore it, after all, it’s in the future.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, though. I’ll be the happiest if my future kids are gay or bisexual. The environment around sexuality is slowly opening up and my child won’t have to face the challenges I had to. Since I’m bisexual and married this may sound biased, but I only want what’s best for my kids.
He/she will grow up to be bold and independent in a world that doesn’t judge a person based on his/her sexual preferences. I hope this dream of mine becomes a reality. Some day.
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Like so much else bisexuality is a huge taboo in our culture
Because, the dominant ideologues has systematically constructed the idea that any sexuality beyond male and female is a taboo to be dreaded of, Indian parents or even education system completely avoid sensitising their children about their body and the different sexual orientation that are in function. This is the reason why people from different sexuality suffer even coming to terms with their own originalities. But here’s what I want to tell you today. Being bisexual is okay. It is as human as being a straight is. And I am proud to see you embrace your origin. And whatever your kids may be in their sexuality, I am certain, they will be as fierce as you. 🙂
Women’s sexuality has historically been policed, denied and demonised in very particular ways, and for a woman to be anything other than passively heterosexual has often been considered an outright perversion.
In the above story, you got the right partner, lucky you! And I hope everyone thinks in the same way and not be judgemental. Really happy that people are acknowledging and appreciating the sexuality.