Marriages are not fairytales (though we wish they were!). The ‘till death do us apart’ vows sound great on paper and on the wedding day, but the tunes of reality can be rather discordant. The confusion and dilemmas set in and you are often left to wonder what to do if you think your husband hates you?
For a lot of women, the rose-tinted dreams crumble when they feel that the man they married and the man they are living with behave like two different entities.
This essentially happens because the adjustment and compromises may make the first few years of marriage smooth but when the distance grows, the love vanishes and the fights begin, a wife is often confronted with a shocking thought – ‘Why do I feel like my husband hates me?’!
The suspicions in your mind may or may not be true, but the conflict is enough to destroy your peace and calm. As always, the first rule is – do not overreact. It is necessary to think it through well, find out the reasons behind the alleged hatred and negativity and then figure out what to do if you think your husband hates you.
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How Can You Tell If Your Husband Hates You
One often wonders how marriages reach that point when a spouse begins to strongly dislike his partner! Okay, ‘hate’ may be a strong word to use here but resentment in a marriage can easily grow if the problems in a marriage are not sorted right in the beginning.
The truth is – resentment in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. It may take months, sometimes years to build, then it perhaps explodes one (not so) fine day and from there on it’s a downhill journey.
But how do you know if your husband has zero feelings for you? Let’s try and analyze some of his signs and actions and the emotions they may give rise to, within you. This may help you understand the depth of the matter and motivate you to work towards a solution. After all, it’s better than living with a husband who hates you, and not knowing why.
1. He does not communicate
Your Emotion: My Husband Hates Me And I Don’t Know Why
They say apathy can be worse than abuse. For Louisa, it began when her husband Erik suddenly started withdrawing after three years of marriage. He had always been a quiet man, but suddenly, he barely spoke to her, or shared his thoughts or feelings. It was as though they were two strangers sharing a home and Louisa began to wonder, ‘Why do I feel like my husband hates me?’
If your husband does not want to do anything with you, the first signs would be that of withdrawal. He may not be overtly angry or abusive but the cold-shoulder treatment can leave you confused and you will be left wondering if he has emotionally checked out of the marriage.
You don’t know where you are going wrong because he isn’t telling you. So it’s natural to suspect that your husband has had enough of you. ‘I think my husband hates me and that’s why he refuses to engage with me’ is what your brain would be constantly telling you.
2. Your husband is neglectful
Your Emotion: My Husband Does Not Care Anymore
Neglect or lack of attention is a sign of a relationship going awry. Every woman wants to be pampered and taken care of but it hurts when you realize that your man has spent Saturday night playing poker with his pals when you were waiting at home with a special dinner. ‘What to do if my husband hates me?’ you’re left thinking on more than one occasion.
Does your husband ignore everything that you hold dear – from memories of your pre-marital dates at Central Park to the huge financial deal you cracked at work? Have the small gestures of romance all but disappeared? These are pure signs of neglect and could be a sign you’re living with a husband who hates you.
3. He is borderline abusive but holds back
Your Emotion: My Husband Hates Me But Won’t Leave Me
A lot of women are needy and passive, often not getting back at husbands who can be mentally abusive. They take solace in the fact that their marriage is intact even if it’s more of a drudgery than a meaningful partnership. Perhaps the thought of a cumbersome divorce scares them.
Marriages are supposed to be equal but when one partner dominates the other completely, it can’t be strong. Your husband may show absolutely no support or care but he won’t walk out on you. But is that what you want? To be constantly left wondering, ‘what should I do if my husband hates me?’
Related Reading: 11 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
4. He talks down to you
Your Emotion: My Husband Resents Me
Derek and Tom had been married for five years, when Tom started noticing that every time Derek spoke to him, it was always in a condescending way. Even when they were around friends or family, Derek would make jokes about Tom’s inability to manage money, or how he could never remember to buy detergent on time. They were seemingly small barbs, but they left Tom pondering, ‘I think my husband hates me.’
Respect is one of the foundations of a strong marriage. But in a loveless partnership, you may find yourself being chided by your husband. Does he constantly put you down? Does your opinion or feelings never matter to him? These are strong signs of resentment.
He may or may not like you but he definitely does not value you. Disagreements are part and parcel of every interaction but if he considers you inferior and doesn’t hesitate to show who’s boss, it is very possible that your husband resents who you are.
5. Harsh words exchanged in a fight
Your Emotion: My Husband Told Me He Hates Me
Couples fight all the time. The break-up and patch-up routine is quite common in long-term relationships. But what you need to watch out for is HOW you fight. Harsh words being exchanged during an argument is common but does it get offensive and abusive?
Women often say ‘my husband told me he hates me during our fight’ but they need to think if such words were used during the heat of a moment or if he says them way too often. Maybe then, it’s not just an expression of anger but genuine hatred.
6. Inexplicable behaviour and actions
Your Emotion: My Husband Hates Me All Of A Sudden
A big sign of a marriage on the rocks is when you notice sudden changes in your husband’s behavior. From being a loving and caring man, your man acts strange and distant. You might find it odd and perhaps wonder ‘what should I do if my husband hates me all of a sudden’ but dig deep and the real reason will be out.
A clandestine affair is one of the major reasons for an inexplicable change in attitude. On the other hand, if any of your behavior or words have hurt him, it can cause deep anger resulting in sudden outbursts during unexpected occasions.
Related Reading: 9 Ways To Fix A Broken Marriage And Save It
7. Your sex life becomes dull
Your Emotion: My Husband Does Not Find Me Attractive
To love someone, you also need to like him or her. Your sex life might not be too rocking after years of marriage but if the emotional and physical intimacy both are missing, then know that it’s not just the spark that has vanished from your life. There is something else too.
“My husband hates me, but I love him,” lamented Rachel, who has been married to Hans for nearly 20 years, and could tell that their physical attraction was waning. Not only that, Hans didn’t seem to like even being around her any more. If she reached for his hand, he wouldn’t reciprocate. If she leaned against him, he would move away.
Being married to someone you don’t like too much can you off from sex. Sex then becomes just a chore and not an act of love, friendship, care and intimacy. Sexless marriages are often the result of one partner hating another.
8. He puts no effort in the marriage
Your Emotion: I Do Not Matter To My Husband
A relationship is hard work and you need to constantly nurture it to last long. Men, especially in traditional unequal marriages, tend to stop making any effort to take the relationship forward once they get the ring on the finger.
There may have been a time when you both enjoyed doing things together but now your husband barely notices what you do or what you want. It shows that he either takes it too lightly or has become self-centred with the marriage just being a small part of his life or he may be disinterested in it.
What Should You Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You?
To save a marriage, you should want to keep it alive. It can be extremely painful if you constantly are living with self-pitying thoughts of ‘my husband hates me, but I love him,’ but bottling up the confusion, depression and anger is not going to help.
First and foremost, address the issue on hand. Based on the above signs, make sure that your suspicions are not the overreactions of a fragile mind but that you can say with certainty that your husband has stopped having any affection for you. If it is the latter, then it’s definitely worth making an effort to save your marriage.
Once you’ve ascertained that there is something seriously wrong with your marriage, and your husband’s feelings for you, ask yourself if you want to continue. If so, here are some ways to cope.
1. Talk positively to yourself
There is nothing like open communication when it comes to sorting out relationship problems. Sure, it may be easier said than done but if your mind is riddled with doubts and fears, first you need to strengthen your mind first by watching your words and re-directing your thoughts.
Instead of constantly cribbing ‘My husband hates me but I don’t know why’ or ‘my husband hates me all of a sudden and I am clueless’, try telling yourself – ‘I think my husband hates me but I am determined to find why and how I can solve it’. Such an approach can make a world of difference.
2. Communicate with your husband
This can be tricky but it is extremely crucial. Unless you know what the trouble is in your marriage, you can’t fix it. First, learn to accept that things are not the same between you and your husband. Then take the step to draw him out of his shell.
Communication can be difficult if your husband is abusive or you are scared of him but if it’s an equal relationship that has gone wrong a heart-to-heart talk can at least open the closed doors of the heart.
But be prepared to hear unpleasant things about yourself too if he decides to get candid. Keeping ego aside is very essential in this process.
3. Make a new start
So you are convinced that your husband hates you even if he hasn’t said as much in as many words? Why not try to turn hatred to love again? First, be aware of your feelings and sort them out. Do you want this relationship to work really badly? Then, put in that effort.
Forget old issues and make a new start. Continuously wondering, ‘Why do I feel my husband hates me’ is going to get you nowhere. Take charge and make plans to woo him back. Do small things like exchanging gifts, planning surprise dates or supporting him through a work crisis. Be patient.
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4. Take a break from each other
Now, this might be a tightrope to walk. But if your husband has lost interest in you, the last thing you’d want is to drive him away further. Yet some times, that’s exactly what is needed. Resentment creeps in relationships when partners get too used to each other and small habits begin to irritate.
Andy and Jessica had been fighting for months, and there seemed no way out, no common ground they could reach. Finally, Jessica decided to move out for a few weeks, to give them both some breathing space. The very air in their house seemed toxic, and she felt it was necessary for them to have room to think.
To get away from the negativity, a short separation may work. It will give you and him, the much needed breathing space. Of course, you need to have that all-important conversation with him first and it needs to be a mature decision to take a break to figure out the next step.
5. Seek a divorce if there’s no other option
Let divorce be the last option after you’ve tried everything. It is nearly always worthwhile to make a marriage work but sometimes in life, there is no point in dragging on a dead relationship. Perhaps the anger, hatred and dislike on the part of your husband has reached a point of no return. At least you’re not left constantly asking yourself, ‘what to do if my husband hates me.’
Remember, if abuse of any kind (physical or emotional) is involved, you have every right to get out of your marriage.
If, despite your best efforts, you cannot see a happy future for the two of you, it is better to gracefully exit. Sure, it will be painful especially if you don’t harbor negative feelings towards him. But it would be the best step for a happier and less stressful future.
The breakdown of a relationship can happen for varied reasons. Ideally, it is best to observe the signs early on and be aware of how it is going downhill. But if remedial steps cannot fix them then you must gather the courage to look ahead. What would you rather do? Fight and bring back your husband or walk away from it all? The choice is entirely yours.
He does not pay attention to my words anymore. The passion is completely missing. He does not communicate his feelings. He is rude and often tries to put me down, being sarcastic and mean. He gives me the silent treatment and often does not respond to my fears or concerns.
It will be most evident in his behavior and actions towards you. Disagreements and fights take place all the time in a relationship (sometimes it is healthy too!) but during the exchange of words, if he says things to deliberately put you down or disrespect you, know that there is a deep sense of anger and resentment towards you.
A few angry words and blame game thrown here and there does not indicate hatred. What does is the deliberate distancing, the utter lack of concern (when he may show a lot of care for others), the difference in his treatment of you and those whom he values and the general lackadaisical attitude towards the relationship. If he does not value you, it is most likely that he hates something about you.