50 Questions To Ask Before Marriage — #20 Is A Must!

59% of couples who divorced in their first year cited lack of compatibility as the cause, according to a Forbes survey of 1,000 Americans. Out of these numbers, “63% of divorcees believe a better understanding of the commitments of marriage could have helped them to avoid divorce.” Yikes. If you’re planning to tie the knot, these statistics suggest that you need our list of questions to ask before marriage so you can go all in, with clarity and a bit of compromise. 

Have a sit-down with your fiance and see where you stand on the definitions of compatibility and commitment. From basic life skills to in-laws to mental health to past relationships, you need to be on the same page regarding several topics before you marry. You don’t want to go from “so cute” to “she is annoying” to “I can’t stand him anymore” in a few years, right? So use this list of 50 questions to ask before marriage to gauge your readiness for commitment.

50 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

You might have known your partner for a long time, but may have never discussed nuances of living together or future expectations with them. How do you want to communicate disagreements in married life? What are your deal-breakers? What are your parenting strategies? You need to talk about a lot (maybe over a span of days or weeks) to know your future spouse better.

You will thank us ten years from now when you see the benefits of transparency between you two. So what are the most important questions to ask before marriage? Here is a lowdown on 50 such conversations that will help you see where you stand with each other.

1. Why are you getting married?

This is one of the most basic questions to ask before marriage. If your significant other has trouble answering this, you may need to pause your decision to marry and let them gain a certain amount of clarity first.

• Ask about each other’s expectations from marriage
• Are there any gender roles (or lack thereof) they prescribe to? 
• Talk about how they view the marriages around you. Whose marriage do they consider ideal?

Related Reading: Relationship Doubts – 21 Questions To Ask Yourself To Clear Your Head

2. How do you handle money matters?

It is important to talk about money before getting married so your financial goals are aligned with that of your future spouse. Some financial questions to ask before marriage:

• How financially stable are they?
• Do they indulge in impulsive buying?
• Will you both have a shared bank account? An emergency medical fund? 
• Do they have a student loan that they will carry into the marriage?
• Are there any credit card debts or big loans from friends/family?
• Are parents dependent on them financially?
• What about the retirement plan?
• How does investing and saving money feature in their financial planning?

3. What is sexual intimacy for you?

Your sexual life will be bound to the person you exchange monogamous vows of marriage with, so do prioritize your sexual gratification and desires. Ask:

• Who is more likely to initiate action between the sheets?
• How important is a sexual relationship for them?
• What are their views on pornography? 
• What are their views on self-pleasure, kink, and sex toys?
• If there are physical intimacy issues in the future, would they be open to seeing a marriage counselor? (This is one of the best questions to ask before marriage that ensures a couple is on the same page when it comes to resolving intimacy issues)

4. What does spirituality mean to you?

Some people are guided by religion, others by spiritual beliefs. You may not share the same knowledge or understanding of faith as your partner. Also, you might belong to the same religion but follow it differently. One of those deep questions to ask before marriage, it will help you:

• Set a mutually respectful tone of your marital routine
• Plan the theme of your wedding
• Decide how the kids will be raised

Related Reading: When You Have Different Religious Beliefs In A Relationship

5. What parts of your past are you still grappling with?

There are a number of issues from our personal histories that affect us in the current moment. What matters is how we cope, and how we treat our partners who need us to be in the present. A little checklist for what your fiancé may still be struggling with:

• Do they have feelings for their ex? Does it affect your bond?
• Did they have a toxic parent (who is either no more or they are not on talking terms)? Is that trauma a huge part of their life?
• Do they talk a lot about old resentments, heartbreaks, and being treated badly in relationships?

Such conversations can bring about unexpected and much-needed healing.

6. How do you handle stress?

What are the most important questions to ask before marriage? Here are some queries through which you can gauge the other’s stress responses and bandwidth:

• How do they handle pressure at work?
• Can they hold themselves back from going off on the customer service executive who has put them on hold for 15 minutes? 
• What do they need when they are angry? 
• How do they handle different political views?

You’ll have to deal with many, many high-pressure situations together. So, be prepared.

Related Reading: 12 Hurtful Things You Or Your Partner Should Never Say To Each Other

7. What do you think is the right approach to conflict resolution?

This is one of the serious questions to ask before marriage. Because there’s one thing you need to know: There are bound to be conflicts; and how you resolve those conflicts is important. No stonewalling, no letting the conflict sit on the dinner table while you both give each other the silent treatment. You should not be the only person who apologizes. In times of conflict, it is easy to forget that you two are in this together and not against each other.

8. How much do you value personal space and time?

Does one of you enjoy a little alone time more than the other? Or are you the kind of couple that loves doing everything together? Your partner might need their solo trips twice a year or you could be someone who needs to stay home after 6 p.m. or withdraw to your study for an hour every day to read a book. These are some of the questions to ask your fiancé before marriage in order to have a fair idea of boundaries and limitations.

9. What is your take on recreational drugs, alcohol, and gambling?

This is one of the tricky questions to ask before marriage since substance abuse and gambling can create rifts in a relationship. It is one thing to indulge in a few fun weekends. But what happens when one of you wants to turn every weeknight into a fun night? Some people live in denial about being in love with an alcoholic. But the earlier the troubling signs are spotted, the easier it is to get timely help.

10. What kind of social life do you envision for us?

Does your partner expect you to accompany them to office parties, to a friend’s housewarming, and every family gathering? Will it be alright if you sit a few out and stay home? If you are not as outgoing as your partner, making your views clear can save unnecessary fights in the future. Also, these parts of your social life could easily turn into the most vital financial questions to ask before marriage, as a hyper social life might come with expenditure too.

Related Reading: How Spending Time With Friends Helps Improve Your Relationship

11. How much of our issues will be discussed with others?

Couples tend to talk to their siblings or best friends to seek insights about handling marital problems. They might ask for tips on how to improve their sexual relationship too. You and your partner must set boundaries in this regard early on so that neither feels like the other is airing dirty laundry in public.

12. What needs to change about us for a healthy marriage?

Your partner might think that your smoking habit is unhealthy. You might think that your partner is gullible and it’s easy to get a quick loan out of them. Do you often resolve conflicts with makeup sex? Or maybe you’re not spending time with each other the way you used to. If you don’t address your concerns, they will begin to pile up. Honest communication is necessary to build a healthy relationship. It’ll also help you get through the first year of marriage.

13. How will the household chores be divided?

Add this to the list of compatibility questions before marriage. Every married couple bickers about household chores even when ground rules have been laid down as to who cooks and who cleans on which days. Changed circumstances can cause friction to kick in. If you have a child, the responsibility chart needs to be altered accordingly. There will be conflicts, count on it. So how do you communicate the evolving responsibility of chores that arises in a marriage?

14. Is emotional infidelity considered cheating?

It is indeed one of the most sensitive questions to ask your partner before marriage but will nevertheless pave the way for honesty. Talking about it does not mean you are going to emotionally cheat on your partner. But it certainly helps clear the air about what would happen if either of you falls prey to emotional cheating, which can ravage a marriage as much as physical infidelity can.

15. Are you open to relocation for career growth?

Or would you stay put while your partner relocates to their new place of work? Will an LDR work for you both? Would a relocation be acceptable to both if the job doesn’t pay more but you’re truly passionate about it? If you want to pull all stops to meet your career goals, it’s important to know if your life partner is on board with it. Some people hate moving out of their comfort zones and others love to live out of their suitcases. Talk it out before there’s resentment in your marriage.

Related Reading: Successful Long Distance Relationship Love Story

16. What things are off-limits when it comes to intimacy?

When the novelty of marriage wears off and spending time together reduces, spicy bedroom escapades can shrivel up as well. Here are some of the tricky things to talk about before marriage:

• Are they open to trying out things to spice up the intimate moments? If yes, to what extent? 
• Would they be willing to see a sex therapist, if need be? 
• Is swinging a no-go zone for them? 
• Would they be open to threesomes?
• Would they ever consider a polyamorous marriage?
• Would they be okay with BDSM?

Through these sexual compatibility questions before marriage, you’ll be more aware of where you and your partner draw the line when it comes to being experimental in bed.

17. Do you want children? How will they be brought up?

Sometimes, one partner wants babies immediately and the other might want to stay on birth control, be child-free, travel, and focus on career goals. The following are some of the questions to ask the groom or a to-be bride before marriage.

• How many kids do they want?
• Will child-rearing be a shared activity or will one partner be expected to leave their job?
• If there are any fertility issues, would they be open to seeing a fertility expert or would they go for adoption? 
• Is adoption their first choice anyway?
• How do they want to bring up children? Lenient or strict upbringing, conventional schooling or homeschooling, etc.

18. How will we celebrate special occasions?

You could have grown up in a family where a birthday meant buying a couple of chocolates and a greeting card for each other. And your partner could belong to a family where birthdays are all about surprise gifts, followed by a big party in the evening. Maybe they want their family there, and you don’t. Find a compromise and talk about how you would like to spend birthdays and anniversaries so that you don’t disappoint each other.

19. Would you want to stay in touch with your ex?

Here are some questions to ask your fiancé before marriage about their past relationships: Do they want to continue to be friends with their ex? Or do they only want to support them in case there is an emergency or financial crunch? Will meeting them be a family thing or would they go out for coffee once in a while too?

This entirely depends on how much you trust your partner and how you look at their relationship with their ex. If your partner still talks to their ex regularly, this question needs to be put forth gently without offending them. Some introspection regarding your insecurities would be required too.

Related Reading: 51 Deep Relationship Questions To Ask For A Better Love Life

20. How will we look after aging parents?

Many people are expected to support their aging parents, financially, logistically, and emotionally. Would your partner expect them to stay with you both? If you feel the same about your parents, then what would be the solution — A bigger house with both sets of parents staying with you?

On the contrary, your partner can completely loathe the idea of living with parents or caring for an elderly in-law. They might vouch for financial and emotional support but staying together could be out of the question. In that case, you need to find a middle ground.

21. What are your views on therapy?

You have to be vulnerable about your individual mental health with each other if you want to spend your entire lives together.

• Do you know about each other’s mental health struggles and history?
• Besides therapy, is either of you on medication too? Do they (or you) need help in terms of reminders, or dealing with side effects or withdrawal symptoms?
• What kind of support are you both looking for from each other?
• Do you know about each other’s traumas and triggers, and how to navigate them?
• Would they ever go to couple’s therapy if you lose touch with each other mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Therapy has been shown to be effective in resolving both individual and marital problems. One’s lack of willingness to go into couple’s therapy can make or break a marriage in times of crisis.

22. How would you handle me on my bad days?

You will be unreasonable one day. So much so that you’d know exactly how unfair you’re being to your to-be spouse. It has all come falling down inside your head: The daily stressors, the migraine, and maybe the last straw was thrown your way by your boss. You’re irritable and can’t speak one sentence politely. What does your partner do?

• Do they get angry? 
• Do they go completely silent till you soothe yourself back to reason?
• Do they give you tear-inducing love and space for co-regulation? 
• Do they give you food and take care of the basic needs you’re not able to express? 
• Do they call a loved one whom you can talk to? 
• Do they silently hug you until you manage to cry?
• Do they make you feel guilty after?

Related Reading: Tips To Practice Emotional Attunement To Transform Your Relationships

23. Do you believe in signing a prenup?

A prenuptial agreement lays out the division of assets, property, and other financial entities in the case of a separation or divorce. Instead of spending months fighting legal battles, the prenup will come to your rescue. Such questions to ask before marriage might sound like you are being money-minded or too cautious. However, feelings change, circumstances change, priorities change, and therefore it’s better to be prepared even though you love your partner dearly.

24. What are your thoughts on a spouse taking the other’s name?

If you’re a woman, this is definitely one of the more pertinent legal questions to ask before getting married. Of course, it is your decision at the end of the day, but it would be nice to discuss it with your partner and state your views firmly. The answer to this might even reveal something you never expected from him.

25. Is this where you want to live forever?

It is a possibility that after retirement, your partner might have always planned to move somewhere serene. And maybe you want to share a huge house with friends and their partners, for a sense of community. It might be too soon to make firm decisions about such things but if a complete lifestyle upheaval is on the horizon, we suggest you look into these relationship expectations.

26. Are you an internal or an external processor?

You’re probably wondering why this is one of the questions to ask before marriage. Understanding such a fundamental value about a person can help you determine how they drive their lives. If a housing contract falls through, will they blame it on destiny and walk away (external) or will they believe in themselves and make the effort to resolve it (internal)?

Related Reading: The Emotion Wheel: What It Is And How To Use It To Build Better Relationships

27. How important is fitness to you?

Seems like a trivial question to ask your partner before marriage, but it tells you about their self-care routine. Are they the type of person who hits the gym every single day and does not tolerate excuses? Do they believe in the power of yoga and meditation, or do they believe in the magic of sleeping as much as they can? Do they love to eat healthy, or are snacks their go-to meals?

28. What kind of family traditions do you want us to have?

This is one of the crucial questions to ask your fiancé before marriage to know what kind of family life they would like to have.

• Would fishing/karaoke/star gazing/game nights/movie screenings/book readings be marked on the calendar every Saturday?
• Would this be a family that celebrates everything from major anniversaries to little achievements? 
• Would kids be allowed to have dinner in their rooms by themselves or is it mandatory to eat meals together as a family?
• Is a yearly vacation going to be on the cards?

29. How would we deal with infertility issues?

Infertility can create a lot of stress and hurdles even in the happiest of marriages. This is one of the most important questions to ask a groom before marriage. Because, even in the modern age, women are often blamed in cases of infertility. Know what their thoughts on the matter are. Discuss alternative methods of having a child. From adoption to IVF to surrogacy, there’s a lot of research to do.

30. What is your opinion on your parents’ marriage?

Growing up watching your parent’s marriage can deeply influence how you perceive this institution. This can trickle down to your own marriage, as they might be averse to some things and have really strong opinions about the dynamics between a married couple.

For example, they might have seen their parents hide their money problems and financial activities, which led to a lot of arguments. They might not want to make that mistake with you. Thus, this is one of the more serious questions to ask before marriage as it can deeply influence the way your own marriage unfolds.

31. Do you have any major secrets I don’t know about yet?

Learning something new about your partner is beautiful, but not if they have been hiding a comprehensive record of criminal activities. Any major surprises or jump scare-like revelations will only betray and hurt you later, so ask this question to your partner firmly. And if they are honest, you’ll never have to hire a private investigator.

Related Reading: 8 Things Every Husband Secretly Wants In Bed

32. Do you believe in making an active effort to bring us emotionally closer?

Before you live together, ensure the emotional health of the relationship. You need to be able to listen to each other and talk about the hard stuff. Here are some thought-provoking questions to ask before marriage:

• What would you do if you feel emotionally disconnected from me?
• What are some of the general things you would do to keep our intimacy intact?
• Do you recognize my emotional needs?
• How would you express intimacy during a fight?

33. Do we have trust and friendship between us?

You might be the perfect couple on paper who will soon mark every box on the happy marriage checklist. But look at each other ‘away’ from social conjectures.

• Can you talk about anything at all for hours on end? 
• Can you laugh at each other and with each other, without hurting feelings?
• Do you have lots of inside jokes?
• Can you have fun with each other while also being vulnerable and intimate?

34. What would you do if our families never got along?

You are in love and everything feels like heaven, except your families don’t get along. If you decide to marry your loved one despite the ongoing tensions or disrespectful in-laws, you need to ask certain questions beforehand:

• If our families don’t wish to recognize or respect our union, in what ways does it impact our future?
• How do you wish to manage festive occasions and get-togethers?
• Would you set clear boundaries with your family if they are being intrusive?
• Would you take a stand for me if they are insensitive toward me?

Related Reading: How To Deal With Clash Of The Parents In The First Meet

35. Do you ever see an unequal power structure emerging in our relationship?

This is one of the most important questions to ask before marriage about your roles in the relationship. If one partner earns a lot more, they might assume that the other will always listen to them and fulfill their expectations. Or, if a partner is trying to support the other financially during a period of struggle, the latter might neglect to see it as a sign of love and think of it as a favor to return. Equal respect and affection for each other will prevent the formation of hierarchy and ego clashes.

36. Do you feel intellectually intimate with me?

Do you feel close to each other regarding the things you enjoy or that give you comfort and knowledge, activities and hobbies that broaden your mental horizons? Intellectual intimacy is not stressed enough but for many couples, it’s the first sign of attraction and one of the core reasons to stay together despite disagreements.

• Do you learn from each other?
• Do you tell your partner that you learn a lot from them?
• Can you discuss a topic with similar degrees of passion or interest for more than ten minutes?
• Do you enjoy analyzing the movie, play, series, or book that you’re currently into?

37. Are there any traumas and triggers that you would like to share with me?

It could be childhood experiences, financial triggers from loss and inability to work, trauma from past relationships, from facing systemic discrimination and bullying. Also, the partners can discuss if they’ve endured trauma of sexual abuse too. It will help you be sensitive about any action that might upset or trigger your loved one. Be sure to handle this conversation very delicately.

38. Are you ready to handle marital responsibilities?

Are you ready to take the moral, financial, and emotional responsibilities of a spouse and family? While talking about questions to ask each other before marriage, you cannot skip this one. A married life requires a truckload of lists, bills, post-its, errands, festivals, functions, emergencies, crises, and regular routine days. The moment you are married, the societal expectations from you shoot up.

For a successful marriage, you have to maintain a respectful social life, attend events that you may have avoided as a single person, and pay heed to the opinions of every member of both families. You and your partner must truly introspect whether you are equipped to take up this responsibility, and discuss which obligations you want to take off your plate.

39. Are there any legalities we must address before getting married?

Definitely one of the things to talk about before marriage. You can consult a lawyer too. Ask your fiance:

• If their divorce proceedings are underway: What legal steps do you plan to take before entering a new marriage?
• What do you want to do about the properties we individually own? 
• Regarding our joint assets and future finances, what kind of prenuptial agreement do you have in mind?
• Is any of your extended family members in a legal dispute that can affect our marriage or lead to financial problems for us?

Related Reading: Dating After Divorce – 15 Things You Should Know About

40. To what extent do you expect me to be involved with your extended family?

Are you expected to attend every single family function and entertain relatives on the weekends? Some families are so tight-knit that it is a given that cousins would constantly mingle and their kids would have regular sleepovers. If you think that you would want to keep your relationship with your partner’s extended family cordial without being too involved, then make it clear from the beginning. Or it can become a bone of contention later.

41. Does anyone in your family have alcoholism, mental health problems, or any genetic diseases?

This is one of the most important questions to ask before marriage. Having information about any genetic illness running in your would-be’s family will help one be prepared during pregnancy, during childcare, and later too. Certain skin conditions and even serious ailments can affect the next generation. You also need to know if your partner has any health issues that need long-term management. 

Also, having an alcoholic parent leaves a deep impact on a person’s life. They might carry the impact of toxic parenting, and you can then navigate the relationship with the required empathy and by acquiring more knowledge on the subject.

42. What situations would lead you to opt for a divorce?

Can be a pretty deep question to ask before marriage. Most would say it’s infidelity, interference of family members, or finances, but things like lies, fraud, and difference in political issues and values can also be relationship deal-breakers for some. This query helps you put all valid concerns on the table and move ahead only if they seem fairly acceptable to both partners.

43. Is there anything about me that really turns you off?

It’s better to laugh about and discuss these things now than bicker about them throughout your married life. This is one of the funny questions to ask before marriage that will either make you laugh or fight for a whole day.

• They might hate the way you can live for days in your smelly socks
• They might have an issue with you ‘borrowing’ their hoodies and never giving them back
• They might find it irritating that you don’t listen to them speak about their interests

Related Reading: Things To Discuss Before Marriage With Your Prospective Life Partner

44. How do you plan to be on social media post-marriage?

You might want to share significant moments of your life on social platforms, and that’s understandable. But your partner might be a private person and may not be comfortable with your beautiful memories being shared publicly. One might feel that the other is keeping their marital status under wraps and the other might think their partner is going overboard on Instagram. To avoid these social media mistakes and misunderstandings, talk about how much you want to share on social media after marriage.

45. What is your biggest fear regarding marriage?

Disrupted career goals or daily life frictions, repeated trauma patterns, or involvement of toxic parents, any of these could make a person fear marriage. See if they are mentally, emotionally, and financially stable enough for a life-long commitment. Whew, it’s been heavy. Time for some entertainment questions now. 

46. Will you flirt with me as often as you can after marriage?

Don’t let ‘em get away from answering this one! You deserve to be flirted with, and to be complimented until you blush. Will they reserve all their charm and stealth attraction techniques for the initial dating scene or do they promise to seduce you with words till you’re both old and losing teeth?

Related Reading: 10 Ways To Become Best Friends With Your Spouse

47. Are we okay with farting in front of each other?

Provided you don’t already do this. Listen, we all fart. If you haven’t reached that stage of comfort yet, then what are you waiting for? Marriage? You’ll be delighted once you let one loose and receive no judgment, only giggles. Don’t keep it in — Ask.

48. If you have a crush on someone after we marry, will you tell me?

Monogamy and loyalty don’t mean that a person stops feeling attracted to human beings. So, when they have a harmless crush on someone, will they feel comfortable telling you? Do you plan to tease your future spouse about it and act jealous? It could be fun seeing their cheeks turn red from awkwardness, and their heart glow from an increased love for you. Nothing builds trust and friendship like a good old crush.

49. How do you feel about pranking others with me?

A joint fake call to your mother? A surprise gift for your sibling that turns out to be a stinking sock? Throwing a bucket of water on a friend who did the same to you last month? It’s time to find out if your partner is a partner in pranks too.

50. If my mom calls, will you tell her I’m busy when I give you the sign?

Maybe you need a break from your folks now and then. Or maybe you forgot to take your medicine for two days and your mom just… knows. Is your partner the superhero you’re crushing on, the one who can smell your despair before the phone even rings? Do they step in with the best excuses and not-at-all fake assurances for your parent(s)? If yes, then they are a keeper.

Why Should You Ask These Questions Before Marriage?

From defining your expectations from the marriage to handling your and your fiancé’s past trauma, questions about physical intimacy, spiritual beliefs, how many children after marriage, and individual and merged social lives — Nothing is off-limits. Having this list of 50 questions to ask before marriage will help you know each other a lot better than you expected. This honest discussion will help you make better choices. There might be things you are willing to compromise on and things you cannot imagine doing differently. Your partner needs to know that. You might even decide to separate if you realize you’re too incompatible.

Related Reading: 15 Best Apps For Couples That Improve Relationships

Monica Mendez Leahy, the bestselling author of 1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married, says in a YouTube interview, “Two people are totally different. They have different histories, character traits and interests. It’s like they come together to make a great salad. You might have known each other forever. but with marriage, things do take a different turn. So, I always say start with the three important questions: Finances, family, and physical intimacy because later in the marriage most issues arise from these three aspects.” 

It is recommended to get all your worries on the table before getting married. You might be hesitant to have this conversation with your partner, though, and need the presence of a loved one. Or you might like to keep your affairs private, and go for professional intervention instead. If you need a mediator when you ask these questions, our panel of experts offers counseling via WhatsApp, Hangouts, Zoom, or your preferred mode of communication. Also, don’t hesitate to opt for premarital counseling even if your relationship is smooth sailing. The whole point of it is to make you better individuals and a better team.

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