questions to ask before marriage
Being in a relationship and being married can be two very different experiences. There are things couples should talk about before marriage that would help them handle potential triggers that can turn into conflict in a marriage. You might be dating for years, or even cohabiting but when you decide to tie the knot you need to know if you are on the same page. There are some very important questions to ask before marriage, that would tell you how compatible you are.
Today, you may be compatible as romantic partners and find everything your partner does acceptable and cute. In a marriage, ten years down the line, you may find it hard to see eye-to-eye on little problems, quirks or habits. These differences can blow up into everyday conflicts. There are things you should know before marriage and that will only make the foundation of your relationship solid. Asking the right, pointed questions will bring new aspects of your personalities to light. You can learn how to deal with these potential areas of conflict without posing a risk to your marriage. In this piece, we’re going to look at some important questions you can ask your partner.
These questions will also let you two open up more and let you be more casual with each other. The subsequent answers will also help you decide if you’re ready to marry your partner. The questions here range from basic to intimate and the order in which we present them will help move from one query to another with ease. It’s better for both if you don’t just ask, but answer yourself as well. This establishes a camaraderie of sorts that indicates you’re with them throughout this.
36 Questions To Ask Before Marriage
There are certain factors that you need to consider before marriage. You might have known your partner for a long time but chances are you have never discussed kids, finances or future plans with them. Some questions or pointers we take for granted, while some we’re too shy to ask. But avoiding is not the solution, especially for something as huge as a wedding.
Now that marriage is on the cards it’s high time you should have these discussions. There are things couple should talk about before marriage but usually after covering five topics they do not know what more to talk about when there is actually a lot more. There are no holds barred when it comes to choosing the questions to ask before marriage. Let us talk about it.
To help you get started, here is a lowdown on 36 important questions that you must ask before marriage.
1. Why are you getting married?
Start out with an easy one. This is one of the most basic questions to ask before marriage. If you or your partner has trouble answering this, you may need to reevaluate your decision to get married. You can also ask about each other’s expectations from marriage.
There is no denying the fact that you get married because you want to spend your life with someone you love. But your expectations from the marriage can be totally different. So this is definitely one of the questions to ask your fiance to get to know him/her better in order to understand their take on the whole thing.
While the husband might want to have children, a large house and big family to come back to, the wife might want to settle down in the marriage first before thinking of starting a family. A discussion in that case is a must. This helps you two put your dreams and priorities in perspective, and helps prevent future conflicts.
2. How do you handle money matters?
It is important to talk about money before getting married. How steadfast are you with your finances? What about your partner? Do you or your partner indulge in impulsive buying? Will you have a joint savings account? An emergency medical fund? These questions need to be sorted before the big day.
Also, you need to check if your partner still has a student loan that they will carry into the marriage and pay off later. If there are any other debts like credit card debts and if you would want to be debt-free before starting a new life. When getting ready for marriage, all these technicalities must be gotten out of the way first.
Sometimes parents are dependent on you financially, in that case, you need to let your partner know about it. Also, the last and very important aspect is to talk about your retirement plan and how you plan to work toward it. The attitude of your partner towards their financial matters largely reflects in their personality as well. Those who’re serious about the matters of money are often more serious and careful in their lives, while the reverse is quite often true as well.
3. What is intimacy for you?
Couples do run into intimacy issues in marriage at some point. Because achieving sexual compatibility needs a lot of emotional intimacy as well. You might have a great sex life at present but you are unrealistic if you expect it to stay that way always.
Who is more likely to initiate action between the sheets? Who has a greater drive? What are your views on pornography? Is withholding intimacy during a fight acceptable?
The most important thing to ask is in case there are intimacy issues in the future, would both of you be open towards counseling? Counseling can straighten out intimacy issues but couples are not always open to embracing it. Thus, this is one of the questions to ask before marriage to make sure that a couple is at least on the same page about intimacy and resolving intimacy issues.
4. What does spirituality mean to you?
Some people are guided by religious beliefs, others by spiritual ideas. You may not share the same knowledge or understanding of spirituality as your partner. But you should know the foundations of their belief and share yours to build a greater bond in marriage. Also, you might belong to the same religion, but how you follow it might be different. Your partner might have attended Sunday mass all their life but you made it to church only once a year on Christmas.
So, would they expect you to follow them to church every Sunday after the wedding? These are important questions to ask before marriage. They ensure you don’t have any arguments regarding personal beliefs after marriage and a mutual understanding and respect is maintained throughout.
5. Do you cling on to the past?
Does either of you have a habit of holding on to the past? Does this mean decades-old issues will be raked up in every fight? Clinging on to the past and using that to cause hurt can be damaging to any relationship. Old issues and problems must not, under any circumstances, be used in the present. Maybe some personal therapy can help the affected person learn how to let the past bury its dead.
You also have to understand if your partner’s past relationship is affecting your present relationship. Or if they had toxic parents and they cannot free themselves of that toxicity. Understanding each other is the primary and most crucial step towards healing.
6. How do you handle stress?
Whether it’s giving the silent treatment when you are fuming inside or yelling at each other, every person has their way of dealing with unpleasant situations. These ways often become an integral part of the relationship dynamics.
How do you both handle pressure at work? Can you hold yourself back from going off at the customer service who has put you on hold for 15 mins? The rosy bed of early romance may not bring out the true effects of stress on a person. But marriage is a long road where you’ll have to deal with many, many high-pressure situations together. And hence how each of you reacts to stress will determine whether you have tensions in your relationship after the marriage.
Because marriage is not the destination, but the initiation of a long journey. Therefore, this is one of the most important questions to ask before marriage. You can cite incidents from the past where you have handled stress badly to assess where each of you stands. You can talk to a premarital counselor who can help you direct you toward a much easier way to handle stress as an individual and as a team.
7. What are your thoughts on conflict resolution?
In years of marriage, there are bound to be conflicts. How you resolve those conflicts is important. This is one of the most important things you need to discuss before marriage. No stonewalling, no letting the conflict sit on the dinner table while you both give each other the silent treatment.
You should not be the only person who apologizes. You should not be the only one to yell while your partner sits down and takes all the yelling in – both are bad and unhealthy. In times of conflict, it is easy to forget that you two are in this together and not against each other. Honest, open, verbal communication is the only way for handling conflicts well.
Related Reading: 12 Hurtful Things You Or Your Partner Should Never Say To Each Other
8. How much do you value personal space and time?
Does one of you enjoy a little me-time more than the other? How do you think that will play out after marriage? Do you need to do everything together? How important is personal space for you?
Wanting personal time and space is not alarming. But you need to honestly communicate this need to each other to avoid misunderstandings. Your partner could be someone who needs her solo trips twice a year or you could be someone who needs to withdraw to your study for half an hour every day to read a book. Not all the time can be spent with each other and it’s completely okay, even necessary, to expect some space in your relationship and a respect for that space.
You need to know if that is fine with you. These are some necessary get-to-know your fiance questions a person needs to know before marriage in order to have a fair idea of expectations, boundaries, and limitations in the marriage.
9. What is your take on recreational drugs, alcohol and gambling?
Have you indulged in a little grass in the college days? Do you both still do it? And how much of hemp, Hennessey and online poker will you indulge in after marriage? These are tricky yet vital premarital counseling questions to ask since substance abuse and gambling can create rifts in a marriage. One of the more tricky questions to ask before marriage, it is essential that you and your partner have a healthy discussion around the same.
It is one thing to indulge in a few fun weekends. But what happens when one of you wants to turn every weeknight into a fun night? Early signs of alcoholism and addiction are mostly dismissed as a phase. Some people live in denial about their partner’s addictive tendencies for years. The earlier these are spotted, the easier it is to get timely help. Otherwise, it might be the perfect recipe for a future disaster.
10. What kind of social life do you envision for us?
So you’re getting married and your to-be husband is a complete social butterfly. So ponder this. Does your partner expect you to accompany him to office parties, to friend’s housewarming, and every family gathering? Can dinner at your aunt’s be skipped for no reason at all? What are your expectations when it comes to social life?
How much dining out with friends are you going to do? Will it be alright if you sat a few out just because you do not want to? If you are not as socially outgoing as your partner, making your views clear during premarital counseling sessions can save unnecessary fights in the future. It can also make sure that you two are happy with each other while also respecting and prioritising each other’s preferences and habits.
Related Reading: How Spending Time With Friends Helps Improve Your Relationship
11. How much of our issues will be discussed with others?
This is also among the crucial premarital counseling questions to ask a future life partner. Couples tend to talk to their siblings or friends to seek insights about handling marital issues. You and your partner must set boundaries in this regard early on so that neither feels like the other is airing the dirty laundry in public. It’s necessary to have an understanding of what goes outside and what stays inside the walls.
Some people have the habit of sharing tiny details of their personal life with their close friends. Starting from their sex life to their relationship with in-laws, you could find your partner is sharing everything with them. This could become embarrassing in the long run. So you need to ask the right questions before marriage to find out how much sharing is fine and what are the things you feel should not go beyond the bedroom.
12. What needs to change about us for a healthy marriage?
Do you often resolve conflicts with makeup sex? And it may seem to work out fine for now but if you don’t talk about your issues and address concerns, problems can begin to pile up. That’s why this is among the things to discuss before marriage. What works now, might not work later. Honest communication is necessary to build a healthier marriage so dabble in such intimate questions to ask your partner.
You need to talk about the issues and improve communication to make a marriage healthy and strong. Makeup sex once in a while is fine, but that cannot be a long-term approach to conflict resolution.
13. Is there anything you wish I would change about myself?
“I like you just the way you are” might sound cute at first but marriage can turn those cute habits into bitter conflicts. Is your partner over-friendly with everyone? Is that a habit you think they can dial down after marriage? Your partner might also have inputs on the things they want you to change. Willingness to put an effort to change yourself a bit can go a long way to accomplish a happy married life.
Your partner might think that your smoking habit is unhealthy, and perhaps, you can try to quit. You might think that your partner is gullible and it’s easy to get a quick loan out of them. In that case, they can change their attitude. It can work out well only through mutual discussion and work on both your parts to make your relationship function effectively.
Related Reading: 6 Sensible Tips For Getting Through The First Year Of Marriage
14. How will the household chores be divided?
When you’re getting ready for marriage and married life, this is a topic that cannot be swept under the carpet. Because you have to keep in mind that this is something both of you will have to do and manage for years to come.
Every married couple bickers about household chores even when strict ground rules have been laid down as to who cooks and who cleans on which days. Even if there is a clear division of responsibilities before marriage, changed circumstances can cause bickering to kick in.
If you have a child, the responsibility chart needs to be altered accordingly. There will be conflicts – count on it. But leaving the dirty dishes on the sink for a week is not the solution. How will you talk it out? How well can you communicate with the evolving responsibility of chores that might arise in the marriage? Asking the right premarital counselling questions at the right time can help you navigate these potential minefields successfully.
15. Is emotional infidelity considered cheating?
This is undoubtedly among the most sensitive topics to broach before marriage but it will help you prepare for the worst. It is indeed one of the more intimate questions to ask your partner but will nevertheless pave the way for an honest marriage. Talking about it does not mean you are going to emotionally cheat on your partner. But it certainly helps clear the air about what would happen if either of you fell prey to emotional infidelity.
Emotional infidelity can ravage a marriage as much as physical infidelity can. But many people do deal with emotional infidelity better. You need to know how both partners would react in case there is emotional infidelity.
16. Would we relocate for the career growth of one of us?
Or would you stay put while your partner relocates to their new place of work? Career growth is important but what views do you have about sticking together geographically if you or your partner is up for a promotion in a new place? Sorting these things out will clear the air well in advance. Any such crucial decisions in the future won’t lead to resentment in your marriage. Thus, this is one of the more important questions to ask before marriage.
If both partners are ambitious and career-driven they might not give up their life and follow the partner around. In that case, will a long-distance relationship work? You need to ask this important question before marriage.
17. What things are off-limits when it comes to intimacy?
The intimacy question again. When the novelty of marriage wears off, spicy bedroom escapades can shrivel up as well. Are you open to trying out things to spice up your intimate moments? If yes, to what extent? Would you both be willing to see a sex therapist, if need be?
Is swinging a no-go zone for you? Would you be open to threesomes but don’t want to offend your partner by saying so? Would you be okay with BDSM? Physical intimacy plays a major part in most relationships and it’s important therefore to sort out the preferences of each other. Being aware of where you and your partner draw the line when it comes to being experimental in bed can avoid tense moments in the future.
18. Do you want children? How will they be brought up?
You’d probably have had this conversation before casually but now you need to have it seriously. It is still among the vital questions to ask before marriage because the idea around children can make or break a marriage.
Many people grapple with their marriage later on because of the fact that one partner wants babies immediately and the other doesn’t want to be a parent at all. You also need to discuss if there are any fertility issues would you be open to seeing a fertility expert or you would straight away go for adoption.
The way you want to bring up children is another thing that must be discussed. One partner might have had a strict upbringing and might want to be more lenient toward their children and the other might not believe in conventional schooling at all and talk about homeschooling. You need to be on the same page when it comes to bringing up children.
19. How involved will the families be?
Family can be a touchy topic especially if either one of you shares a close bond with parents, siblings, uncles and aunts and cousins. Post-marriage, they will become your family too. Even so, it is healthy to talk about the extent of their involvement in your married life. Also, explore if you share core family values?
Include a discussion on this delicate matter in your list of pre-marriage questions. Be gentle but clear about what is acceptable to you.
You should also talk about how much time you plan to spend with either set of parents. Do you expect your partner to accompany you when you visit them? Or it’s fine if you visit your parents separately and do a family thing once in a while?
20. How will we celebrate special occasions?
This is a very important question to ask before marriage. Your partner might just believe in quiet and intimate celebrations and you might believe that it has to be a big thing.
Also, how important is it to involve the family in your celebrations? For instance, it’s your partner’s birthday and they cannot imagine not including their parents in the celebrations but you want to do it at a weekend getaway in a resort.
So, do you ask them to come along? Or would it be just the two of you and you celebrate with them later? These things might seem small compromises but unless talked out can become big issues later.
21. How do you want to maintain the balance on social media?
So you’re getting married and you are both active on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Thus, in the modern world this is a vital question to ask. This might seem like one of those funny questions to ask before marriage but they’re not. You could be great at couple poses and posting on social media might be a regular thing for you, but would you want to keep doing that post marriage?
Sometimes it’s important to maintain a balance between the private and the public domain. Your partner might not want to share every detail about your marriage on social media so you need to have that very important chat. And what about public display of affection on social media? Does it work for you both or does one of you cringes at it?
22. Does anyone in your family suffer from any medical condition?
This is one of the most important questions to ask before marriage. Because some diseases are hereditary and could be passed on to your children genetically. Such get-to-know your fiance questions man needs to know before marriage because you will now be a family together.
For instance, genetic problems such as mental health problems, certain skin conditions, and even serious ailments can affect the next generation. You also need to know if your partner has any health issues that need long-term management. Some diseases and medications can affect fertility.
Some diseases start small but can prove to be debilitating in old age. You need to know how you are expected to be a caregiver to your partner in the future.
Related Reading: 51 Deep Relationship Questions To Ask For A Better Love Life
23. Would you want to stay in touch with your ex?
Your partner could have been in touch with their ex so far but when you are getting married you might want to talk about how that relationship would change. These are important questions to ask your fiance before marriage because their reactions to these questions reveal the kind of relationship they might have with you after marriage.
Do they want to be just friends? Or do they want to support them in case there is an emergency or financial crunch? Will meeting them be a family thing or would you have to be okay if they go out for coffee once in a while? This entirely depends on how much you trust your partner and how you look at their relationship with their ex. Discuss it well enough so that any kind of suspicion doesn’t take root when you see their message on your smartphone.
24. In future would you want to stay with your parents and look after them?
This is something you need to talk about before marriage, even after your engagement. It is inevitable that your parents will age. Would your partner expect them to stay with you so that they can look after them? If you feel the same about your parents, then what would be the solution – a bigger house with both sets of parents staying with you?
On the contrary, your partner can completely loathe the idea of living with parents and could vouch for financial and emotional support but staying together could be out of the question. In that case, you need to find a middle ground.
25. Would you be open to seeking couple’s therapy?
If there comes a time when you lose touch with each other mentally, emotionally and physically, would you rather work on it yourself or seek professional help to make the process easier for the both of you? Couple therapy has been shown to be effective in resolving, the different conflicts that might arise in a relationship, easily.
When getting ready for marriage, one’s willingness to go into couples therapy has to be included in the premarital counseling topics, as it can make or break a marriage in times of crisis.
26. Do you believe in signing a prenup?
A prenuptial agreement is one that already lays out the division of assets, property and other financial entities in the case of a separation or divorce. So if there is indeed a divorce in the future, instead of spending months fighting legal battles about the same, the prenup will come to your rescue.
Since the prenup is a pre-decided agreement on these things, it comes in handy when a marriage is on the rocks. Such questions to ask before marriage might sound like you are being money-minded or too cautious but better safe than sorry. Things change, feelings change, circumstances change, priorities change and therefore it’s always better to be prepared for the odd rainy days in the future.
We know you love your partner dearly but safeguarding yourself early on, is the logical thing to do.
27. Do you want me to change my name?
If you’re a woman, this is definitely one of the more pertinent legal questions to ask before getting married. Of course, it is your decision at the end of the day, but it would be nice to discuss it with your partner and consult him on the same.
What exactly is his opinion on the whole thing? Does he think it important you take his name or is it just a triviality? Either way, you must know and decide soon for you will have to change your name on a lot of documents and certificates for your married life that’s about to come.
28. Is this where you want to live forever?
It is a possibility that after retirement your partner might have always planned to move down to Florida or LA, somewhere which is serene and calm. Now that you are in the picture too, it would be nice to know if your partner does have such potential plans.
It might be too soon to make firm decisions about such things but if a complete lifestyle upheaval is on the horizon, we suggest you look into it. A marriage is all about stability and a few certainties in life and so it’s better to look at different future scenarios and plan accordingly rather than keeping it for the last moment.
29. Are you an internal or external?
An internal is a person who believes in their own intuitive power and energy to direct what goes on in their lives. An external, on the other hand, is one who considers fate and destiny the main decider of how and what goes on in their life.
Why is this one of the questions to ask before marriage, you’re probably wondering. Well, understanding such a fundamental and core value about a person can help you determine how they drive their lives.
If a housing contract falls through, will they blame it on destiny and walk away or will they believe in themselves and make the effort to resolve it?
30. How important is exercise in your life?
Seems like a trivial question to ask when you’re that in love, but ask away anyway. Asking them about exercise does not just tell you more about what their daily habits look like but also to what length they go in taking care of themselves.
Are you the type of person who hits the gym every single day and does not tolerate funny workout excuses? That’s definitely something you’d want to know about beforehand. Obviously, it won’t make you love them more or love them less, but it is good to have clarity on the same.
31. How often do you masturbate by yourself?
This could be one of the intimate questions to ask your partner but ask away shamelessly. Or this can also sound like one of those funny questions to ask before marriage that have no meaning.
But when you’re getting married to someone, things like these do make a difference in your marriage.
Whether you’re comfortable with it or not is not for us to tell you, but we can tell you that you should be able to have these discussions with your future life partner. Masturbation is healthy, and what’s even healthier is an open conversation about the same. Such conversations also serve to bring emotional intimacy in your relationship so that you don’t feel hesitant in talking or asking about something.
Related Reading: How Masturbation Helps In Long-Distance Relationships
32. What kind of family traditions do you want us to have?
Are we the kind of family that celebrates everything from major anniversaries to little achievements? Do we allow the kids to eat dinner in their rooms by themselves or is it mandatory to eat meals together as a family?
This is one of the crucial questions to ask your fiance before marriage to get to know him/her better and to understand what kind of family life they would like to have. Will you take yearly vacations? Or is monthly fishing on your calendar on Saturdays?
33. What is a deal breaker for you?
With this question, you will be diving into some incredibly heavy stuff on what your partner expects from you. Things like raising your child, following certain religious tenets, infidelity, career goals and the like. This is an open-ended question that will really give your partner the chance to express themselves.
34. How would we deal with infertility issues?
Infertility can create a bit of tension and hurdles in the happiest of marriages too. But having a game plan before that might ease it for you as a couple a little bit.
This is one of the more important questions to ask a groom before marriage especially. Because, even now, in this modern age, women are often blamed in cases of infertility, even by their partners. So you must know beforehand what their thoughts on the matter are.
Discuss how badly you want children and what kind of methods of having a child would you be open to. From IVF to surrogacy to adoption, there’s a lot of research and discussion to do.
When getting ready for marriage, have some kind of a take as a couple on problems like this so you do not feel blindsided at the last moment.
35. What is your opinion on your parents’ marriage?
Growing up watching your parent’s marriage can deeply influence how you perceive this institution. This can even trickle down to your own marriage, as they might be averse to some things and have really strong opinions about the dynamics between a married couple.
For example, they might have seen in their parents’ marriage that they always kept their finances separate, which led to a lot of arguments. This might make them feel like they do not want to make that mistake with you.
Thus, this is one of the more serious questions to ask before marriage as it can deeply influence the way your own marriage unfolds.
36. Do you have any major secrets I don’t know about yet?
Of course, you must clear this question on priority when getting ready for marriage. Any major surprises or jump scare like revelations will only spook and scare you in marriage.
Marriage indeed is a process where you learn something new about the person you love every single day, but when it comes to the big stuff, make sure you two know that about each other.
Related Reading: 8 Things Every Husband Secretly Wants In Bed
Why Should You Ask These Questions Before Marriage?
Anything and everything. From defining your expectations from the marriage to handling your and your fiancé’s past trauma, questions about physical intimacy, spirituality, children and social life – nothing is off-limits. It should be discussed in depth so that you know what to expect when you are married.
You need to ask some great questions before marriage because it will help you explore the lesser-known aspects of your partner and your relationship. You can find answers to questions big and small – from why your partner does not like rock music to why you are not keen on having children.
Asking these important questions before marriage will ensure that you know what to expect. You will know if you will share the finances, the household chores, if there are any debts to deal with and if you are expected to socialize with your partner’s friends every other weekend. Having an honest discussion before marriage will also help you make your choices. There might be things you are willing to compromise on and things you cannot imagine doing differently. Your partner needs to know that.
Monica Mendez Leahy the bestselling author of 1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married says in a YouTube interview, “Two people are totally different. They have different histories, character traits and interests. It’s like they come together to make a great salad. You might have known each other forever. but with marriage, things do take a different turn. So, I always say start with the three important questions: finances, family and physical intimacy because later in the marriage most issues arise from these three aspects.”
Can you do premarital counseling online?
If you want to take the help of a counselor when you ask these questions then you can opt for premarital counseling. Premarital counseling can also be done online. Marriage is a sacred bond and we understand and value that. Our panel of experts offers counseling via WhatsApp, Hangouts, Zoom or your preferred mode of communication.
It is easy to get all your worries and issues known before getting married. Also, you can opt for premarital counseling even if your relationship is smooth sailing. The whole point of it is to make you better individuals and a better team together.