He Didn’t Even Reply To My Message After We Made Love But I Didn’t Cry

Extramarital Affairs | | , Obstetrician, Gynaecologist & Author
Updated On: December 29, 2023
men get close and then pull away
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I had heard horror stories from friends about their experiences in dating. The worst was how things turned bad after physical intimacy. A friend said, “He became distant after intimacy and I kept grappling with my emotions.” Another friend said, “He changed after we slept together. I didn’t know guys pull away after getting close.” I always kept thinking how was it possible for a guy to just behave like nothing had happened after getting close to someone? I experienced it first hand.

(As told to Tripti Sharan)

He Didn’t Even Reply To My Message After We Made Love

“Hello?” I finally made the call. Texting wasn’t helping.

I panicked but gathered my wits. He owed me this.

“Hello, it’s me.” An awkward silence ensued.

“Hey listen, I’m in a meeting!” The harsh hollowness in his voice resonated with rejection, much like the silence that was greeting me these days.

Related Reading: 12 Warning Signs Your Partner Is Losing Interest In The Relationship

“I know you don’t want to talk to me.”

“Ok.” There, he was gone!

He is distant after intimacy just as my friends told me. I kept standing there holding the phone not knowing what just happened. Before this all my texts had gone unanswered.

My relationship with him started with a social friendship

I had known him for around five years through common friends. We interacted on social media. I could at times feel a tug but his eyes hid a harshness, his ‘humour’ a curtness that stopped me from treading further. But one day I did the unthinkable and sent him a friend request. It was as if he had been waiting for me all those years.

He used every trick to get my attention, from flattery, to humour, to downright seduction.

“Why me?” I once asked disbelievingly.

He is distant after intimacy and doesn't take calls
He used every trick to get my attention

“It’s how you manage a subtle sensuous femininity to your professional side, in a perfectly complimentary fashion that turns me on,” he explained dramatically. A practiced charmer! Yet he drew me like a moth.

Related Reading: How to identify breadcrumbers in online dating!

Our relationship started shaping up

But soon other things started surfacing. His humor hid a dark streak. He would disappear often but bristled if I ever didn’t match his ardour. He would taunt me for lack of ‘reciprocity’, reacting with an insulting silence.

A control freak, it probably gave him a sadistic pleasure to see me apologising for the implied brushoffs. He would need a lot of cajoling before he finally relented. But we always made up beautifully.

Then one fine day he came to my city. Cancelling all my previous plans I rushed to meet him. He was excited and I, a little jittery.

From the way he looked at me, to how he pulled me close, everything was different about him. Yet when he tried to kiss me passionately, I broke off. He was rattled by my rejection. I needed time, but he couldn’t hide his anger and disappointment.

“You should have told me that you were not yet ready for this,” he said stiffly.

It wasn’t easy stepping out of a marriage. I needed to be sure of him.

“Let’s watch TV.” My heart melted at the sullen look in his eyes. Like a dark desire he had spread through every sinew, blinding me to voice of reason. I leaned over him. I had taken off my marriage ring.

On Cheating

We made love…

“Nothing happens now. I am just as scared.” He looked like a little boy who had been denied his favourite toy. I laughed and bit his lower lip, feeling his indrawn breath. Soon we were both helpless under the tide that swept over us. We made love, just the way he wanted. I had never felt so brazen with desire.

Like greedy lovers we lingered, but soon it was time to go. As I looped my arms around his neck and kissed him goodbye, it was not the warm eyes of a languid lover that looked back at me but the cold eyes of a stranger. I shrugged off a sense of foreboding. He dropped me home.

I woke up next morning, missing him and a thousand other things that we could have done together. I had never felt more connected. But he was guarded.

“I hope you felt good! You had just about failed,” he declared unjustly.

I squirmed but felt guilty. The idea to judge him had never crossed my mind. He changed after we slept together.

Taunts and silence became the way

Over the next few days, from my poor performance to my illogical ‘fear’, he always had something to throw in my face.

“It’s not ‘no’ but ‘fear’ that kills me.”

I desperately wished for a second chance. But my attempts to come close were either ignored or met by taunts. “I want to talk first!” His jarring words meant anything else and were bent on punishing me. He was showing every sign of withdrawing. He was pulling away after getting close and I could feel that.

My self-esteem hit bottom. I quivered but he retorted that he was merely showing me a mirror. This went on for about a month till one day, my patience broke.

he is distant after intimacy
I desperately wished for a second chance to get close to him

“I trusted you so much, never thought you were the ‘fuck and forget’ kinds!” I used some harsh and bitter words.

Related Reading: The affair made me feel cheated, used and helpless

He became totally distant after intimacy

He read but never replied. He had probably written me off. Even lust had an unspoken commitment. He didn’t even commit a goodbye. I felt like he was withdrawing after a hookup.

How could he just shut me out? Was I so easy to forget? I don’t know who expected more and who was wrong? Maybe this was how it was meant to be.

But all that faced me now, was an unrelenting wall. For days I could not accept that he had become distant after intimacy he had just pulled away after being close. I felt emotionally and physically used. I felt I had cheated on my husband with a man who was just not worth it. The guilt kept killing me and gradually the memory of that one night in bed killed me every night.

I realised the very hard way that men get close and then pull away. They are actually looking for a hookup but they give you the impression they are in love and you fall for it.

I’m depressed and unable to move on after my breakup

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Readers Comments On “He Didn’t Even Reply To My Message After We Made Love But I Didn’t Cry”

  1. There is no point expecting dignity and cry about being judged or being discarded when one is in cheating. Being a cheater she herself has dumped her husband’s trust and manipulated trust,loyalty and vows bestowed in marriage. Even her husband may not know this, but she herself is a cheater, lost dignity to her own inner consciousness irrespective of justifications one may have for cheating. Somebody else has done same thing to her what she did to her husband afterall world is reflection of our ownself.
    Even for argument sake the other man respected her and gentle, does it mean he has real respect for her? When two cheaters meet secretly and mate, each one of them knows what kind of persons they are, even though they may talk gently to please each other for enjoying, once anyone of them decides to end, they never have respect in heart for other except for allowing each other being used in the process. It is like a mirage. Two thiefs or two murderers may come across together for some time for theft or murder, do they have respect for each other ? Never.

  2. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Even that concept is outdated now. In today’s androgynous world where gender lines are blurred, the bottom line is taking responsibility for one’s actions. It’s all a matter of choice and free will, and looking for anything beyond is like looking for integrity in the gutter. As for karma, jarma is a choice we make in the here and the now. Karma is nothing but the power of intent. Good intent creates the good, bad intent creates a resultant backlash.

  3. Sometimes the whole connection is karmic. It is meant to cause pain and make one learn difficult Life lessons. Why was she so carried away by a man she barely knew? In her trusting naivete wouldn’t she hurt her own situation? The fact is that there exist both men and women who are users… It is best to establish a solid basis for trust before moving on to the next step.
    Don’t Women also lust? Why then do they feel used once the sex is over and the inevitable parting has happened? Food for thought. The man definitely didn’t show the courage of letting her down gently. His taunts imply that he was a psychologically damaged creature who lived the conquest and then used silence and cruelty to end it. One cannot expect anything from such pathological cowards.
    Adultery generally ends in grief. I think the woman protagonist surprised herself by her bold and impulsive actions and sought justification saying that she felt genuine emotion while he didn’t – a classic defensive response in order to protect her own mental image. Could this affair have gone further and ended in a different way? Except for the man creating an unfair and abrupt end to the affair instead of being more mature and kind, there is no other plausible finish. It’s just time to let it go and move on, and be grateful that the illusory drama has ended. Therein lies the lesson.

    1. The story doesn’t imply that it wasn’t mutual. Rather admits about it being so but does it give the guy the right to behave like that. And the story is not about being used but of being unfair. Its the ending that was cruel and haunting. He could have given his side of story but he chose to stay silent leaving his behavior open to interpretation and suspicious. If only men were more courageous! But courage is what they use at only one place. Courtesy, dignity and respect is what we expect even from the enemy and is just as crucial as trust!

  4. I can understand the Used and wasted feeling that eats up every moment.
    one way I say its good it ended with one incident rather than taking nasty turns causing prolonged troubles.

    Needless to say..you are very brave.
    Hope a sense of caution gets into every person who reads this article.

    May you regain strength to move ahead in life.

  5. L V Keshava Murthy

    Shocking, seems to be a case of being cheated, and the girl has had a horrid experience. One thing appreciable is the courage with which the girl has conveyed her experience. Definitely the boy has tricked the girl, into this situation, and has behaved like a wild animal after the physical contact. My prayers, that the girl, do not over think, on this accident, and not blame herself, at all. This only puts emphasis on the point, that lot of caution, is to be exercised, and not fall victim, to the mind games, that come into play, when a person, tries to make the Physical Contact. Do pick up yourself, young one, and work towards an excellent and better position in life. Best Wishes and God Bless You.

  6. Reading this, I can relate to some matters where he said something about your performance not being up to the mark, Well let me be very clear here “He was the one lacking and not you, he couldn’t arouse you enough for you to give him his pleasure. He was selfish and took what he wanted. Indian women aren’t taught to seek pleasure which is highly incorrect and a crime. We aren’t brazen or sluts to crave physical fulfilling. Trust me, there are better men out there. Also never ever give in to a man’ s desire. Your body is your own, have SEX with a guy only when you feel and are comfortable. Someone told me this “Taunts, blames, name keeping hurled on to you is never about you or your character, it is about the one hurling it”. Most of all “LOVE YOURSELF” before expecting anyone else to do so. God bless you & may you meet a better person.

  7. Very sad tale. “He” is altogether like so many males and such an egoist, totally uncaring the damage he’s doing and not seeing anything but satiation and conquest that’s self affiming for him while completing undermining her. A very difficult confession but hopefully a chance for growtth and autonomy as well. ????????????????

  8. To the website,
    It was indeed a painful experience. Want to add just one thing that no one would read, such sharing of pain by someone, for enjoyment. Please do not suggest other write-ups by saying ‘You may also enjoy reading’.
    Thank you

  9. She loved him but he just used her ..first of all she should not have given her body to him….now knowing the true colour of this person she should take it has a lesson learnt in life .not to trust men and not to commit this mistake again. .and move on..he is not suitable for her. ..forget this as a bad dream. .and move on with extra caution in life.

  10. Eight out of ten indian girls have the same story. Love, expectation, love making, irresponsibility give birth of a story of betrayal. But the question is, if sex, that we call love making, is be all and end all of a relationship, nothing more can be expected after that. If one is courageous enough to have an extra marital relationship, she must be brave to delete that relation if time demands…. Is it too hard to erase that person whom you think to be irresponsible?

    1. Yes… as you sow so shall you reap! But then a small explanation is all she wanted to close this chapter. But men are notorious in being courageous at only one place !

    2. Sa saswati, it is not tough. She has already moved on in life. But the bitterness of having been used , judged, condemned and discarded as a dirty thing remains. And that’s not a good feeling , isn’t it? Every relationship should have respect. I don’t think she needed anything else.

  11. I guess time women stopped treating sex in a sacred manner , just be careful is what I would say , and understand that for men it’s just a overdrive of hormones ,and if u think commitment will make u feel better u are in Dreamland ……….wake up girl!!!

    1. Yeah ! What is fun for men is sometimes an emotional baggage for women! She never wanted any commitment from him but then a little understanding is I guess too much to ask from testesterone driven species

  12. He came into my life as a thunderstorm. Took me on a rollercoaster ride but left long before the hurricane inside me was over. I was left like trails of some mishap

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