(As told to Tripti Sharan)
I panicked but gathered my wits. He owed me this.
“Hello, it’s me.” An awkward silence ensued.
“Hey listen, I’m in a meeting!” The harsh hollowness in his voice resonated with rejection, much like the silence that was greeting me these days.
“I know you don’t want to talk to me.”[restrict]
“Ok.” There, he was gone!
Adultery was like black money. You could flaunt it but could never claim it.
A social friendship
I had known him for around five years through common friends. We interacted on social media. I could at times feel a tug but his eyes hid a harshness, his ‘humour’ a curtness that stopped me from treading further. But one day I did the unthinkable and sent him a friend request. It was as if he had been waiting for me all those years.
He used every trick to get my attention, from flattery, to humour, to downright seduction.
“Why me?” I once asked disbelievingly.
“It’s how you manage a subtle sensuous femininity to your professional side, in a perfectly complimentary fashion that turns me on,” he explained dramatically. A practiced charmer! Yet he drew me like a moth.
On again, off again
But soon other things started surfacing. His humour hid a dark streak. He would disappear often but bristled if I ever didn’t match his ardour. He would taunt me for lack of ‘reciprocity’, reacting with an insulting silence. A control freak, it probably gave him a sadistic pleasure to see me apologising for the implied brushoffs. He would need a lot of cajoling before he finally relented. But we always made up beautifully.
Then one fine day he came to my city. Cancelling all my previous plans I rushed to meet him. He was excited and I, a little jittery.
From the way he looked at me, to how he pulled me close, everything was different about him. Yet when he tried to kiss me passionately, I broke off. He was rattled by my rejection. I needed time, but he couldn’t hide his anger and disappointment.
“You should have told me that you were not yet ready for this,” he said stiffly.
It wasn’t easy stepping out of a marriage. I needed to be sure of him.
“Let’s watch TV.” My heart melted at the sullen look around his eyes. Like a dark desire he had spread through every sinew, blinding me to voice of reason. I leaned over him.
Related reading: How to identify breadcrumbers in online dating!
We made love…
“Nothing happens now. I am just as scared.” He looked like a little boy who had been denied his favourite toy. I laughed and bit his lower lip, feeling his indrawn breath. Soon we were both helpless under the tide that swept over us. We made love, just the way he wanted. I had never felt so brazen with desire.
Like greedy lovers we lingered, but soon it was time to go. As I looped my arms around his neck and kissed him goodbye, it was not the warm eyes of a languid lover that looked back at me but the cold eyes of a stranger. I shrugged off a sense of foreboding. He dropped me home.
I woke up next morning, missing him and a thousand other things that we could have done together. I had never felt more connected. But he was guarded.
“I hope you felt good! You had just about failed,” he declared unjustly.
I squirmed but felt guilty. The idea to judge him had never crossed my mind.
Taunts and silence
Over the next few days, from my poor performance to my illogical ‘fear’, he always had something to throw in my face.
“It’s not ‘no’ but ‘fear’ that kills me.”
I desperately wished for a second chance. But my attempts to come close were either ignored or met by taunts. “I want to talk first!” His jarring words meant anything else and were bent on punishing me. He was showing every sign of withdrawing.
My self-esteem hit bottom. I quivered but he retorted that he was merely showing me a mirror. This went on for about a month till one day, my patience broke.
“I trusted you so much, never thought you were the ‘fuck and forget’ kinds!” I used some harsh and bitter words.
Related reading: The affair made me feel cheated, used and helpless
He read but never replied. He had probably written me off. Even lust had an unspoken commitment. He didn’t even commit a goodbye.
How could he just shut me out? Was I so easy to forget? I don’t know who expected more and who was wrong? Maybe this was how it was meant to be.
But all that faced me now, was an unrelenting wall…[/restrict]