“I think Roy’s slipping. How to get him interested again fast?” When my coworker, Hannah, said this to me, I flipped. They had a great relationship. To imagine people like them struggling with each other was impossible for someone like me who was constantly in and out of toxic relationships. Theirs was the kind of love I aspired to have. I asked her if they argued, but she said they had been drifting apart. Though it was heartbreaking to hear, it made me wonder: Once a guy loses interest, can you get it back?
This was eight years ago. Hannah and Roy are celebrating their third marriage anniversary this weekend. But the question kept bothering me. So to get to the root of this question, I got in touch with Preeti Khare, who specializes in dating and premarital counseling. We had a great discussion, and she explained to me what you can do to make him value you again.
18 Surefire Ways To Get Him Interested Again Fast
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When you feel your partner losing interest, it can leave you worried and with emotional insecurity about the relationship. Preeti suggests the following reasons that your man has drifted away:
- You’re not paying him attention anymore: We all crave love and attention and a lack of it may cause him to drift away
- You’re taking things for granted: You don’t believe dinner dates are needed post-marriage, or that you need to put any effort into your looks once you’ve moved in with him
- One of you is stressed: Work or financial stress in relationships could be another reason. This could lead to a fall in libido, which can also be pushing him away
- He’s having an affair: Your guy could be seeing someone else behind your back
- The relationship is doing nothing for him: Sometimes guys drift away because they’ve been caught up in a ‘right person, wrong time’ situation. They love you, but the relationship isn’t working for them
You can’t do a lot if your partner is distant because he’s falling for someone else or if he’s fallen out of love with you. But if it’s you who needs to make amends, then let’s figure out how to get him interested again fast.
1. Ask yourself if you want him back
Preeti says, “Disrespect, abuse, and toxicity are a few things no one should compromise over. You need to keep an eye out for such red flags in your man. Such relationships have a very short shelf life anyway. Unless both of you can work on the relationship, it’s not going to work.” Whether you’re looking for ways to get back with your ex or are trying to rekindle the dwindling romance in your marriage, first ask yourself if you truly want it. So, give yourself ample time to decide if you want the relationship or if it’s just vanity/social expectations/financial pressure.
- Make a pro-con list to decide if getting back with him will be a good idea
- Analyze your feelings. Do you get jittery or anxious at the thought of being with him? If you do, then it’s not a good sign
- Imagine yourself with him doing different things throughout the day. Is his behavior in your imagination a reflection of his true behavior, or a projection of what you think it should be? If it’s the latter, you know that you’re in love with an idea of him, rather than with him
2. Identify why he pulled away
Like everything else in a relationship, the loss of interest in one’s partner happens gradually. It can get hard to pinpoint exactly when everything began to fall apart, but narrowing the problem to an event or a huge/recurring issue could help.
- It’s possible that your guy has not lost interest in the relationship, but is trying to assess its future. Some guys pull away before they commit because they need time and space to think things through
- Photos hold the key to unlocking certain memories. Look at your pictures and sort out the emotions. In the sad photos, what made you sad? Did he say something? Did something happen on that day?
- Talk to your friends. Since most of us have a very hunky-dory picture of our relationship, our friends can help us put things into perspective
- If you can, talk to your guy and find out why he is not interested anymore. If that sounds daunting, text him. What to text a guy who lost interest? Simple. Send one of the aforementioned pictures and ask why he looks so glum
Related Reading: Dreams About Spouse Cheating – What They Mean And What You Can Do
3. Be yourself, love yourself
Self-love is easier said than done. And has become a highly commercialized spiral that can suck you into a world of expensive skincare and scented candles. There’s nothing wrong in indulging in either of them, but self-love starts from within, not through external factors. Try to love the damaged person in you, the one who has made mistakes you regret, and whom you compare to others and get disappointed at for not being healthy/successful/beautiful/married/pregnant.
- Lose the mask, especially around your guy. If you have to pretend to be someone else to be with him, then he’s not the right person for you
- Be the main character of your story. Make choices that are right for you and don’t let yourself be taken for granted
- When you love yourself, you want to try things that challenge you. Show this spontaneity to him and surprise him with your confidence
4. Appreciate him
Preeti says, “Relationships are built on empathy. You can’t get him interested again by ignoring him. If you can’t be empathetic, you’d find most of your relationships breaking apart.”
It is often seen in long-term relationships that people begin to take their partners and their efforts for granted. Research suggests that expressing gratitude can improve relationship quality over time.You may believe in showing your gratitude through gestures, but words reinforce gratitude in ways that gestures never can.
- Tell him you’re thankful for him. If talking sounds unnerving, maybe you can leave around cute love notes for your boyfriend to find later
- Give him credit where it is due. Tell people how good he is at what he does. You may find that he lacks certain skills, but try to look at his positives
- Can a guy who lost interest come back with adequate gratitude? Possibly. We rarely realize this, but a majority of distress in a relationship is due to a lack of acknowledgment of one’s efforts
- While you should appreciate him for what he does, don’t put him on a pedestal. Tell him that you expect him to share the load too
5. Become the person you want to fall in love with
Preeti says, “Sometimes, while talking about their boyfriend, a co-dependent client would expect me to tell them ways to seduce him or how to highlight all the work they’re putting in the relationship. But the only way you can get a guy interested again after being needy is if you’re ready to make the very same changes to yourself that you want him to undergo.” You want him to be caring, confident, and independent; you need to embody those values yourself.
- Popular culture often talks about the revenge body or the revenge dress. Yes, you need to look good and feel good. But it has to be for you, in a healthy way, and not for others whose approval you crave
- Exercising releases serotonin, a feel-good hormone. Start a new workout. Revamp your wardrobe. Donate any clothes that don’t make you feel good. Dress how you feel. Work on yourself
- Let go of the negativity. Establish a network of empowering people you can spend time with. Seek out new adventures
Related Reading: 15 Undeniable Signs Your Affair Partner Loves You
6. How to get him interested again fast — Ensure physical proximity
If you feel that your guy is losing interest in you, then you need to increase your proximity to him. In her book, Social Psychology, Jennifer Croyle identifies proximity as an important factor in love and attachment. Proximity can be manufactured by creating situations that require you two to be present in a place, working in collaboration. You may have seen this cliche in many Hollywood movies like The Proposal, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, and She’s The Man. If you do this step right, you can make your husband miss you during a separation too.
- Create a situation where the two of you have to be together. It could be a wedding, project, or vacation. Take your pick
- It will be great if this situation doesn’t have a lot of people. You don’t want him to be distracted
- Don’t use this situation as an opportunity to profess your love. Instead, try to help him in some way so he sees your presence as reassuring and relaxing
- Get him alone and talk about his issues or problems. Get him to share
7. Make your social media colorful
Social media affects your relationship in more than one way. This step will work for you only if your guy is active on social media. If you can’t be near someone physically, create proximity virtually. You can get him interested again fast through texts or social media posts if done right.
- If you’ve separated recently, wait a week or so before posting any pictures to avoid looking desperate for attention. Post pictures that he may not have seen before. They shouldn’t be perfect, they just have to show you doing something new. Use cryptic but subtle captions
- Another way to be subtle about it is to post on those platforms that his friends frequent. This may start a discussion between them, thereby increasing virtual proximity
- Make sure your social media doesn’t exude FOMO or narcissistic vibes. Post about things close to your heart instead of trends to not sound fake
8. Pay attention to him
It’s a common belief, perpetuated by Hollywood, that you can get him interested again by ignoring him. Ignoring a person may trigger approval-seeking behavior in some people, but not in everyone. Ignoring a mindful person can do more damage than good. Preeti says, “This may work if your guy has an insecure attachment style, but it may backfire if he has an avoidant attachment style. Additionally, it can take a toll on you since your emotional needs may be different than what he can provide.”
- Be an active listener. Concentrate on his body language to gauge his natural triggers. This will tell you if the guy is unhappy in the relationship
- Make note of what causes him pain and joy. If he appears distressed, try to give him emotional support. If he is exhilarated, show you are happy for him
- Eat together. Try to talk during meals instead of focusing on your phone. Share what transpired in your day, and ask about his. Keep the conversation flowing
9. Turn up the heat in the bedroom
Sex can be a great tool to communicate one’s love and desire for their partner. Sex increases intimacy and provides a release from life stress. If you feel that you’re growing distant, you may suggest a weekend at a remote B&B with minimal phone reception.
- Ask him if he wants to try something new. Be open to ideas. Give them a try if you’re comfortable
- At the same time, tell him what you like. According to Christopher Brya, the author of WTF Are Men Thinking?, men love it when a woman takes charge in the bed
- If you think the good old sex is not working for you, you may try tools like vibrators or dildos, or try pro tips by a sex therapist
10. Be his association for non-sexual joy
Though sex is an important part of any relationship, it’s the non-sexual joy triggers that make attachment stronger. In other words, you’ve got to ensure he associates being happy with you. Make him happy. Be playful. Try not to be sarcastic or passive-aggressive.
- Get him interested again fast through texts that highlight random moments with funny comments. What to text a guy who lost interest? Try something with humor so he would want to engage in conversation. Create inside jokes, and bring back the old ones to remind him of the fun times
- Work on your flirting skills. Think of other flirty emojis to send to your partner besides an eggplant. Try adding humor, while keeping it seductive
- Do something that reminds him of good memories. Think of a holiday that meant a lot to him or a day when he was very happy, and try to recreate that or talk about it fondly. The next time he thinks of that day, he’ll associate it with you
Related Reading: Parasocial Relationships: Meaning And Are They Healthy?
11. Use the right body language
Body language plays a huge role in expressing one’s feelings and creating a comfortable ambiance for others to express theirs. Research suggests that an average couple uses a range of facial cues, like prolonged eye contact and eyebrow tilts, to express their emotions.
- Try to mimic your partner’s body movements. Psychologists suggest it can make your partner feel more comfortable around you
- He may give you mixed signals. So, while you should count every smile he gives you as a win, it may not always mean that he’s ready to come back
- Create sexual tension through subtle flirting and small touches. Do things that bring his notice to your mouth or cleavage. Don’t give in easily. Make him work for it. The key is sexual tension
12. Give him time and space
While proximity in a relationship is important, it’s also important for both of you to have some time to yourselves. Remember Carrie and the girls, taking a break from their relationships in Carrie’s apartment in Sex And The City 2? It may give you nightmares of LA strip clubs, but you need to give him space so he doesn’t feel stifled in the relationship.
Preeti says, “How to get him interested again fast? Distance may do the trick. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. You need to encourage each other to take solo trips, away from civilization to get a better understanding of your role in the relationship. When you leave, your absence will make him realize what he misses.”
Related Reading: 40 Relationship Affirmations To Use For Your Love Life
13. Activate his hero instinct
Renowned relationship expert James Bauer talks of the hero instinct in his book, His Secret Obsession. According to Bauer, all men have a biological need to feel needed in a relationship. In simpler terms, can a guy who lost interest come back? Yes, if he feels that you need him.
- Ask him for help with tasks that demand some physical work, from opening a jar to fixing the sink. Ask him for a solution to a simple problem, and appreciate him for the answer. Make sure you use the solution in front of him. This is a great way to make the first move on the guy you’re trying to win back
- Ask him for his opinions, especially in a group of people. If he has a nervous nature and you feel like that will put him in the spotlight, tell him his ideas are better than others
- Make him feel manly. Tell him he’s strong/confident/inspiring. Celebrate his wins, and encourage him whenever he tries something new unless it’s drugs
14. Express your care through gestures and words
In a heterosexual relationship, women often work more than men. While men have been conditioned to earn for the household, women not only earn but also do all the things at home that are necessary to run the household. This should be enough of a gesture. However, if you’re in an equal relationship, regardless of gender, you must go above and beyond to win him back.
- How to get his attention back from another woman? Get him stuff he always wanted to have, but never buys for himself. Organize surprise parties with themes from his favorite movies. Cook the things he likes
- If you’ve separated, ask him to take his stuff back. Tell him it hurts to look at it
- If you’re meeting after a long time, tell him through actions that you still remember what he likes. Suggest you can’t get him out of your head
15. Make him value you again — Don’t be desperate
It’s easy to drift into the “overdoing” territory when it comes to loving someone. While showing your love and appreciation is an important part of the ‘how to get him interested fast’ crash course, it can make you shortsighted. Identify where the boundary between showing your love and going overboard lies. But you can get a guy interested again after being needy too. Here’s how:
- Pull away to make him want you. Don’t let him take you for granted. When he learns to respect you, he will want you as a partner
- Don’t let him use you. See if he’s getting you to do favors for him. Help wherever you can, but be careful of any situations where he’s asking you to jeopardize your employment, or asking for your time or money for his gain. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with
- If he’s calling you only late at night and leaves you cold in the morning, then he is there for the sex and not the relationship. Refuse the booty call. You’re better than that
16. Don’t play games
Preeti says, “Playing games where you create hot-and-cold behaviors, pretend to ignore him, make him jealous—these tricks are quite popular. But they don’t always work. Even if they do, it is only for a short period of time.”
- Don’t follow him and try to “bump” into him. If you’ve both had a breakup recently, it’s obvious what you’re trying to do. Not to mention it’s unhealthy and borderline stalker behavior
- Don’t get your common friends to manipulate him into calling you back. You’re just undermining his free will
- Even if you find that these games work for you, be aware that you’ve produced love not from his feelings for you, but rather from taking advantage of his insecurities and guilt. And once he grows out of that, he will not want to be with you
Related Reading: The 4 Bases In Relationships That We Unanimously Agree On
17. Try to get his friends and family to like you
People often look for the approval of their friends and family while looking for a mate. It can be great for you if you can be friends with them. Emmett, a teacher from Alaska, told me he had continued to see his ex’s mother even after the breakup. He says, “If you ask me how to get him interested again fast, I’ll tell you to make friends with his mother. She used to rile up every guy he’d bring home by calling him Emmett.” Though it did annoy Tate for a while, his mother was the happiest when Tate finally proposed to him.
- Remember to be nice and friendly to his friends. Because you will need the help of these people to make a guy like you again without talking to him
- Spend time with his family and friends. Getting to know them is a proven way to get a guy’s attention unless he hates his family
- Don’t hesitate to ask them for help, but be mindful of the difference between help and manipulation. Remember, no games
18. Don’t grovel — Move on
Once a guy loses interest, can you get it back? Depends on many factors. But even if it doesn’t work, despite your best efforts, you can’t sit back and hope that everything will work out on its own. Take your time, but move on.
- Ask him upfront if he is ready for commitment. Don’t hesitate to walk out if his decision doesn’t converge with yours
- Show him you can survive without him. If you’re financially dependent on him, it’s better to learn some monetary skills. Ask friends for support while you stand on your feet. Focus on being financially independent. Money can’t buy love, but you’ll feel much better being on your own if you have a roof over your head
What Not To Do When A Guy Pulls Away
Though it feels crushing and helpless if you feel that your guy is not interested in you anymore, the worst thing you can do is confront him. There are so many reasons that he feels distant. It could be pressure from work or family, or just a hitch before he commits. But you could end up aggravating his condition. You can make a guy like you again without talking to him by simply giving him time and space. Whatever you do, make sure to NOT do the following if you want to know how to get him interested again fast:
1. Don’t chase him
Whether your guy is pulling away because he has lost interest in the relationship, or for any other reason, chasing after him will only make him feel smothered. Give him space to work on his feelings.
- Don’t harass him over his loss of libido, or decreased interest in going to parties, or not wanting to be on top of his behavior. Relationship burnouts happen that way
- If he doesn’t reply after the first text or leaves it on read, he doesn’t want to talk. Take the hint. Let him be
- Don’t overdo it with surprises – showing up at his office with lunch, or sending him cupcakes while he is at his parents’ house
- Respect his wishes if he asks to be left alone for a while. It can be frustrating, but that’s his boundary
2. Don’t make him feel guilty for it
Don’t try to guilt him into a relationship with you. If your love is conditional, then it’s temporary. If you use any previous incidents or favors as leverage to make him stay in the relationship, then it only appears as an act of manipulation and passive aggression.
- Do not pull out a list of times you helped him as a reason he should not lose interest in you. If anything, it’s like holding someone captive
- Do not indulge in self-harm in order to keep him close to you
- Unlike many of our boomer parents suggest, having a baby solves nothing. Do not deceive him into having breakup sex while you’re off birth control. It screams manipulation and disrespecting someone’s consent. Additionally, there’s no guarantee that having a baby will make a man come back after a breakup
3. Don’t blame yourself
People may fall out of love. It doesn’t always have to be about you. Sometimes, even the tiniest of things may domino out of control. You may identify an incident that started it all, but essentially, it’s a journey of growing distant from each other.
- Give yourself time to grieve. Cry, if you must. Stop thinking that it’s your fault
- Write a journal. This time period can lead to overthinking and anxiety. Writing your feelings can help analyze what truly ails you
- Seek the support of your friends. They can help you gain perspective
- To get him interested again, you need to generate proximity and security in your relationship
- Activate his hero instinct
- Don’t play games. They can severely backfire
- Don’t chase him or guilt him into the relationship. Give him space
People in broken relationships often wonder how the avalanche started. To be honest, no one can pinpoint the exact second it went downhill. Life gets the better of us. We start to ignore our partners and who we are. As a result, your partner’s interest may begin to wane. It could harm your relationship, lead to pointless arguments, or force him into another person’s arms. Therefore, it’s critical to rekindle that spark and quickly pique your partner’s attention. However, keep in mind that while something may work for you, it might not for someone else. Each connection has unique qualities. But some things, like empathy and patience, always work out better than others.