The process of finding the right person isn’t always as glamorous as it is portrayed to be in the movies and pulp fiction – falling head over heels for someone who will sweep you off your feet and all the other cliched meet-cute things. When it comes to looking for the perfect relationship, you cannot shut down your pragmatic side. This is the person you’re going to give your all to, so as frustrating as it may be, don’t settle unless you know you this is someone you can be completely yourself with.
When it comes to love, we often get distracted by superficial qualities rather than the ones that won’t fade with time. Finding ‘the one’ requires patience, honesty, and a lot of forethought regarding what it is you want in a relationship, rather than getting your hopes high in this endeavor to look for the ‘perfect partner’, only for them to be crushed by the bitter dose of reality.
Looking For A Right Partner Again And Again
One thing of utmost importance when you want to know how to find the right person is that you should possess the ability to spend time with yourself and be (reasonably) happy in your personal space. And what’s more important than knowing what qualities you want in a partner are all the qualities you don’t want.
As mentioned before, finding the right person requires patience and settling for someone just because you’re tired of the search is not a solution. Not only are you going to make yourself miserable but also the other person. Being in a relationship also requires a certain level of maturity, especially to identify the signs that you might be in a ‘right person wrong time’ situation.
I had not been lucky in love
I am a self-motivated person; it’s what I do for a living. But, even so, I must confess starting again in love is tough. Picture this: someone broke your heart for whatever reason, or things didn’t work out for you the first, the second, and then even the third time.
You feel you will be able to move on, that this was not the perfect relationship. You have a feeling you may still find your Mr/Ms Right. But what if you have faced disappointment the 5th, 6th, and annoyingly even the 7th time?
Let me share my frustration from personal experience of when the quest for finding the right partner didn’t work out even on the 8th, and the 9th try! If you were in my shoes, would you still believe with the same confidence that you will meet that perfect partner? Or would you take the easy way out and stop figuring out how to find the right one?
Related Reading: Have You Found The One?
Technology does not make the heart grow fonder
We live in an era where our biggest blessing has become our worst curse. Technology, created to be our friend, has become an enemy for matters of the heart. I love technology and what it equips us to do, but as it has brought us closer digitally, it has also, sadly, somehow succeeded in separating us emotionally.
You want to know something right now, you can figure it out just by clicking a few buttons. But, when you are not able to, it irritates you, frustrates you, and makes you anxious.
Our hearts have gotten distant. People don’t have the time to cherish relationships or invest dedicated time in them anymore because there is always another update, another message, another app, another follower, and another friend request to distract us and take that moment’s beauty away when we would otherwise be focusing on ways to build our relationships.
When family values take over your conscience
As our hearts have become distant, our patience levels have dropped. When you are young, you are more excited about being with someone or anyone than looking for a partner who is actually good for us.
For instance, in my younger days, it was exciting for me to know that I could meet so many people through dating apps, social media and other such portals. These things were just entering the scene and the opportunities to seek a partner that they provided were ‘cool’.
Once, when I jumped into a relationship too fast, my values (luckily they have always been in the right place) made me realize that that person was not the one I saw a future with. So before anything more could happen, within a month I let him know we couldn’t be together.
But that’s not the case with everybody in general. Instead of finding the right person, people focus on having a good time and lose the concept of being in a stable relationship with someone who understands you. Most people end up with the wrong person for the wrong reasons, investing their valuable time and efforts in a wrong relationship.
We don’t take relationships seriously
Technology exposes us to so many options that it’s to be misguided, especially when we are young. Excited, we enter a relationship too soon, we get bored, and we exit too quickly, without putting any effort or even thinking about it twice.
We figure we don’t click or feel for the person the way we would like to in love. More often than not, the reason is simple: we jumped in too early without really taking the time to understand our so-called ‘perfect partner.’
Then something fresh, supposedly more appealing comes our way, and we seem to move on. Was this even a relationship? Even the slightest of adjustment issues can trigger this naive behavior (learning to adjust by the way is one of the most beautiful aspects of being with someone – you understand how to be a partner and grow together rather than staying single forever!). We have lost the patience and drive to work on our relationships.
Related Reading: Two decades of dating, and still waiting for love
What happens when everything superficial fades?
But what when you no longer have the looks, the appeal, and the speed that you do now? What if later, sadly, you realize that someone you left was actually the one?
I ask you the above question from personal pain and learning. I have been fortunate to have dated a lot of partners, amazing not only on the outside but even more so on the inside. But, unfortunately, I didn’t have the patience and the understanding to hold on to the inner beauty, due to my high levels of ambition, pride, and professional drive.
I still don’t have all the answers on how to find the right person, but I do know this much: learning to keep materialistic desires aside is the only way you can know if the person is actually meant for you.
Moving on is part of the journey
The big question then is “Can you believe in a perfect relationship the Nth time?” I am proud to say that though I have committed a lot of mistakes, and now I now have my heart and head synched. I could forgive myself, I could let go of my past mistakes. I could move on.
How? I try and think of the reason I let go of the relationship. If the reason was valid and strong, I tell myself that I value myself enough not to want to go back to the same partner. And if I find the reasoning shallow (and the person is no longer available) I learn the value of valuing my next partner better than I did previously.
I found this to be greatly helpful in finding the right partner: take your time before you get into a relationship. If things don’t work out, devise your own plans on how to stop feeling sorry for yourself after a breakup. But when you are taking your time, do it with an open heart. Give the other person space to make mistakes, enjoy the differences, and see if you can work on them together.
Once you both decide that you can build something beautiful, go for it. But, remind yourself, you can’t grow a partnership seeking to pick on the wrongs. Instead, feed on each other’s strengths. Go for it, fall in love again, trust again. Even if it isn’t easy, remember you must fulfill your dream of spending a life with ‘the one’.