People often say that the frequency of sex in a marriage dies down after the first few months and it also often becomes boring sex. Over time, the spark is lost, the chemistry is nowhere to be found and the excitement to have sex with your partner just vanishes. While that is possible and could be the case for many couples, it does not mean the end of your relationship or your sex life. Yes, marriage does bring a whole set of challenges and responsibilities, but that does not mean one cannot enjoy intimacy with one’s partner.
“Sex is boring after marriage” is no way to look at things. Marriages are a lot of work and you are going to have to keep putting that effort to keep yourselves happy and thriving as a couple. While due to the mundane routines and the work stresses that we all have, it is possible that your sex life could take a hit but it does not always have to suffer. The key to a sexually fulfilling marriage is keeping intimacy alive is juggling romance and responsibilities. Sex and marriage can be multitasked in a way that is fulfilling to you and your partner both.
So do not be pressurized into choosing one, especially when sex gets boring in a relationship. We have accounts of a couple of individuals who shared how they keep their intimacy alive despite so many years of being together. In fact, if you do it the right way, good sex in marriage can improve the quality of your marital bond by leaps and bounds. So if you think you’ve been having boring sex in your marriage lately, it’s time to pay more attention to what is going wrong and work on it.
What Is Boring Sex?
Boring sex is when in your marriage, instead of feeling like you are having good sex that is releasing endorphins and drifting you off onto the ninth cloud, it feels more like a chore or responsibility. Perhaps, you two have been going through a rough patch lately, started scheduling sex to fix things but clearly don’t know how to do it right. If you don’t take the correct steps to schedule sex, it will most certainly lead to you two having a boring sex life.
It is also possible that you two have just been occupied elsewhere. Whether it’s work, kids, or a passion project that is consuming your life, one might start neglecting their marriage or relationship because of it. That’s when sex can get boring. Since your mind is usually elsewhere and your primary task takes up most of your energy and your day, it’s like you have none left for your partner. That one day turns into a week. And that one week turns into months of dry spells before you know it!
So even when you two do hit the bed or the couch but never the kitchen (you’re having boring sex, remember?), the rush one is supposed to feel is nowhere to be found. The neck-biting, the sweet kisses, holding each other close – none of that really seems to happen in the way that it used to.
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Sexually Bored In Relationship – Causes
When sex gets boring in a relationship, the onus does not necessarily fall on one person or circumstance. There are a variety of reasons that might perhaps contribute to it.
- Perhaps you’re doing it too often: Yes! You may be thinking that you are having bad or boring sex because you two are not finding the time to do it enough. While that can indeed be true, having boring sex can also be caused by doing it too much. You’ve done it on the beach, in the garage, and even in your father’s bathroom at Thanksgiving! The rush of it seems to be gone because you’ve been doing it all the time, everywhere
- Being occupied with children: Had kids recently? Or is raising teenagers wearing you down completely? Having kids is really no joke and can take a lot of effort. We are not surprised to know your sex life has taken a hit because raising the children is tiring you out too much. It happens to couples more often than you think.
- A lack of time: A new job, a new volunteer gig, or even a new set of friends – perhaps, you are just distracted from your relationship and that is what is causing your boring sex life.
- Not enough foreplay: Foreplay and giving sufficient time to it is important to have good sex in a relationship. When sex gets boring in a relationship, do think about how much foreplay you have been indulging in.
Now that we have gone over what are the possible reasons behind how sex gets boring in a relationship, it is now time to move on to some really exciting stuff. Let’s tackle the question of, “How to make sex feel good again?” and understand what you can do differently for better sex life. To make things more interesting with a tinge of a real-life perspective, we give you tips straight from a couple to who we spoke. Understanding their story, they have a lot to say about how to not be boring in bed. So without further ado, let’s get right into it.
Sex In Marriage – How Do You Make The Time?
Michaela and I had not met each other in 5 years. She’s a busy woman and is not always available to hang out. You see, she works in a very famous law firm in Milwaukee, which also means that she rarely gets the time to meet people.
So, even though she lives not too far from my own apartment, I have not met her ever since she married her high-school sweetheart, Walter.
The sad thing though is that Walter is just as busy as her! He works at a brewery as an engineer all day and Michaela often returns from work at 11 pm. So, for them to manage time for developing intimacy is difficult. I was curious all this time, about how they do it. Does the sex in marriage for them suffer because of this?
As soon as I popped the question (after like three pints of beer at her house one night), Michaela broke into a smile. Sex in marriage was not a distant dream for her. For her, it was a mere habit and an easy one at that. What does she do to not have boring sex? Well, here’s what she had to say:
1. Always send the kids to bed before 9 pm
William and Michaela have two beautiful children. Neither are in proper school yet, but, they do spend most of their days away from mama and papa owing to their busy schedules. With a nanny at home, they stay occupied and well taken care of.
Michaela ensures that they have family time on the weekends, but very slyly ensures that they head to bed before 9 pm. To really make the best of sex in your 40s, you have to plan and schedule your free time. This ensures the couple has enough time to spend some quality time with each other.
2. How to make sex feel good again? Order in when you are alone
Sunday mornings are chirpy and loud for most couples with children. For Michaela, it starts with a 30-minute drive to a dance class that she takes her kids to.
So, Sunday afternoon lunch for the couple is simply ordered in and they do not bother with the pots and pans in their home. This way, they do not have to waste more time cooking. The balancing act of sex and marriage rests on managing one’s time well. What truly matters is the peace that you can share with one another.
Related Reading: 15 Ways To Satisfy A Woman In Bed
3. No work at home policy
To combat boring sex, I’d also like to talk about my work friend, Bethany. Bethany is one of my friends who recently got married. She has worked as a copywriter for the past three years and often has long tiring days even on the weekends. However, after marriage, she has made it a rule never to bring work home. Her work-life balance is truly outstanding!
This is important for her personal life and helps ensure that the sex in her marriage also does not suffer. She says that it has helped her mornings become much brighter and weekends that much hotter than before. Boring sex? She does not even know what that is anymore!
4. The girl gang meets only on Saturday afternoons
Despite being so busy with her job, Michaela has quite a social life. Being so extroverted, she truly is a social butterfly and is liked by people around her. She has been part of social groups and is often invited to plenty of parties and events.
However, she has one strict rule that she lives by. She makes time for her social circles only on Saturdays With her kids and her husband, she does not want to compromise on her family time at all. After that outing on Saturday has passed, she can soak herself in a warm bathtub and get ready for some sex games and personal time with her hubby.
5. Discount the television
“My husband is bored of me sexually, what should I do?” Well, take it from my friend Bethany.
For her, leaving behind the addiction to soap operas opened up a lot of time in her life for things that were important. Earlier even when she did get the time, she would spend her time relaxing in front of the telly. But Bethany decided to consciously change her priorities.
The fact that both she and her hubby were not sitting before the television all evening on the weekends opened up the avenue for a lot more passion. The sex in marriage got amped up the moment the tv was turned off. She invested in some lingerie, the two started watching porn together instead and really turned up the heat in their marriage!
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6. How to make sex more exciting? Hit the DND button
As any copywriter would know, work does not end at the home ground. So, clients and bosses keep calling Bethany the whole day. To tackle the same and make sure that because of this, she’s not having boring sex in the process, she has thoughtfully made a small basket for her and her hubby to put their phones in when they enter the bedroom.
As soon as the phones are away and put on silent, the night is officially theirs and the two can happily experiment as they like! The fact that the bedroom is devoid of any gadgets like the laptop or phones has augmented their sexual escapades and helped them connect more deeply as a couple.
7. Plan your meals ahead
Michaela started this process a few years ago. This may seem like a minor change but it can really help revive sex in marriage if you do it correctly. She and her hubby would sit with the kids and plan out the weekend meals beforehand.
This way she does not have to rack her brain over what to cook when the weekend comes, and she can focus on what’s important. Making time by cutting out the little tediums is sometimes the way to work on your sexual compatibility.
Related Reading: The art of seduction after a baby
8. Buy condoms beforehand
Both the wives ensure that they have a collection of condoms close at hand whenever needed. Running out of condoms is the worst excuse to have to refrain from sex. How disappointing is that? How to make sex fun is about not killing the mood when you two realize that you don’t have any condoms on you. By the time one has to take the car out to drive to the store, the mood is lost completely.
9. Stock up
How to get in the mood for my husband? Make sure there is nothing else occupying your mind. For Bethany, shopping was one of the things that she did not ever want to do. So, she tries and finishes shopping for groceries online when it comes to the weekends.
This gives her time, as well as helps her battle the inevitable tiredness from the heat. This way, she does not kill her sex drive and sex in her marriage is as hot as ever.
10. Finally, be honest
Both the wives are working women, and that means some days they would be tired enough and do not want to indulge in sex. So, communication is vital. For Michaela, snuggling in and watching a movie is the ultimate stress buster. For Bethany, she loves to cook or go out for a hike to spend more time with herself. Remember, that to turn around boring sex is not just about focusing on yourselves as a couple. It’s also about focussing on you. Take time out for yourself and be as healthy and happy as you can. This will indeed help your sex life as well.
So, that’s it; a busy life does not mean your sex in marriage simply has to suffer. It is all about making the effort on your end. Just make sure you communicate and plan out your days in advance, and you’ll find opportunities to sneak in some fun.