People often say that intimacy in a marriage dies down after the first few months and it becomes all about mechanical hugs and boring sex. Over time, the spark is lost, the chemistry is nowhere to be found, and the excitement to have sex with your partner just vanishes. While that is possible and could be the case for many couples, it does not ring the end of your relationship or your sex life. Yes, marriage does bring a whole set of challenges and responsibilities, but that does not mean one cannot enjoy intimacy with one’s partner.
“Sex is boring after marriage” is no way to look at things. Marriages are a lot of work and you are going to have to keep putting that effort to keep yourselves happy and thriving as a couple. While your sex life could take a hit due to the mundane routines and work stressors that we all have, it does not have to stay that way. The key to a sexually fulfilling marriage is keeping intimacy alive while juggling romance and responsibilities. Sex and marriage can be multitasked in a way that is fulfilling to both you and your partner.
So, do not be pressurized into choosing one, especially when sex gets boring in a relationship. We have accounts of a few individuals who shared with us how they keep their intimacy alive despite so many years of being together. In fact, if you do it the right way, good sex in marriage can improve the quality of your marital bond by leaps and bounds. If you think you’ve been having boring sex in your marriage lately, it’s time to pay more attention to what is going wrong and work on it.
What Is Boring Sex?
Boring sex is when in your marriage, instead of feeling like you are having good sex that is releasing endorphins and drifting you off to the ninth cloud, it feels more like a chore or responsibility. Perhaps you two have been going through a rough patch lately. You may have started scheduling sex to fix things but don’t know how to do it right. If you don’t take the correct steps to schedule sex, it will most certainly lead to you having a boring sex life.
It is also possible that you two have been occupied elsewhere. Whether it’s work, kids, or a passion project that is consuming your life, one might start neglecting their marriage or relationship because of it. That’s when sex can get boring. Since your mind is usually elsewhere and your primary task takes up most of your energy and day, it’s like you have none left for your partner. That one day’s delay of sex turns into a week. And before you know it, that one week turns into months of dry spell.
So even when you two do hit the bed or the couch, the rush that one is supposed to feel is nowhere to be found. The neck-biting, the sweet kisses, holding each other close – none of that is happening the way it used to.
Related Reading: 9 Sexless Relationship Effects No One Talks About
Sexually Bored In Relationship – Causes
When sex gets boring in a relationship, the onus does not necessarily fall on one person or circumstance. There are a variety of reasons that might contribute to it.
- Perhaps you’re doing it too often: Yes! You may be thinking that you are having bad or boring sex because you two are not finding the time to do it enough. While that can indeed be true, boring sex can also be caused by doing it too much. You’ve done it on the beach, in the garage, and even in your father’s bathroom at Thanksgiving. The rush of it seems to be gone because you’ve been doing it all the time, everywhere
- Occupied with children: Had kids recently? Or is raising teenagers wearing you down completely? Having kids is no joke and can take a lot of effort. We are not surprised to know your sex life has taken a hit because raising children is exhausting. It happens to couples more often than you think
- Lack of time: A new job, a new volunteer gig, or even a new set of friends – perhaps, you are distracted from your relationship and that is what is causing your boring sex life
- Not enough foreplay: Foreplay and giving sufficient time to it is important to have good sex in a relationship. When sex gets boring in a relationship, think about how much foreplay you have been indulging in
Now that we have gone over the possible reasons that sex gets boring in a relationship, it is now time to move on to some really exciting stuff. Let’s tackle the question of “How to make sex feel good again?” and understand what you can do differently for a better sex life. To make things more interesting with a tinge of a real-life perspective, we give you tips from two couples to whom we spoke at length. They have a lot to say about how to not be boring in bed. Without further ado, let’s get right into it.
Sex In Marriage – How Do You Make The Time?
Michaela and I had not met each other in 5 years. She’s a busy woman and is not always available to hang out. You see, she works in a very famous law firm in Milwaukee, which also means that she rarely gets the time to meet people. So, even though she lives not too far from my apartment, I had not met her ever since she married her high-school sweetheart, Walter.
The sad thing, though, is that Walter is just as busy as her! He works at a brewery as an engineer all day and Michaela often returns from work at 8 pm. They also have two beautiful kids. So, for them to manage time for developing intimacy is difficult. I was curious all this time about how they do it. Does the sex in marriage suffer because of their busy routines?
When I finally met them, I popped the question (after three pints of beer at her place one night), Michaela broke into a smile. Sex in marriage was not a distant dream for her. For her, it was a mere habit and an easy one at that. What does she do to not have boring sex? Read on to find out.
1. Always send the kids to bed before 9 pm
“My husband is bored of me sexually ever since we had kids. What should I do?” A reader asked us this recently. Let’s talk about what William and Michaela do. Their kids are not in a proper school yet, and they spend most of their days away from mama and papa owing to the busy schedules of the parents. With a nanny at home, they stay occupied and well taken care of.
Michaela ensures that they have family time on the weekends, but very slyly ensures that the kids head to bed before 9:30 pm. To really make the best of sex in your 40s, you have to plan and schedule your free time. This ensures the couple has enough space to spend some quality time with each other, minus the kids.
2. How to make sex feel good again? Order in when your kids are away
Sunday mornings are chirpy and loud for most couples with children. For Michaela, it starts with a 30-minute drive to a dance class that she takes her kids to.
So, Sunday afternoon lunch for the couple is simply ordered in and they do not bother with the pots and pans. This way, they do not have to waste more time cooking. The balancing act of sex and marriage here rests on managing one’s time well but also, the privilege of being able to order in. Ultimately, what matters to this couple is the peace they get to share with one another.
Related Reading: 15 Ways To Satisfy A Woman In Bed
3. No work at home policy
While we talk about how to combat boring sex, I’d also like to talk about my work friend, Bethany. She recently got married. She has worked as a copywriter for the past three years and often had long, tiring days even on the weekends. However, after she got married to Lizzie, she has made it a rule to never bring her work back home. Her work-life balance is truly outstanding now.
This is important for her personal life and mental health, and also helps ensure that the sex in her marriage does not suffer. She says that it has helped her mornings become much brighter and weekends that much hotter than before. Boring sex? She does not even know what that is anymore!
4. The girl gang meets only on Saturday afternoons
Despite being so busy with her job, Michaela has quite a social life. Being so extroverted, she truly is a social butterfly and is liked by people around her. She is a part of many social groups and is often invited to plenty of parties and events.
However, she has one strict rule that she lives by. She makes time for her social circles only on Saturdays. With her kids and her husband, she does not want to compromise on her family time at all. After that outing on Saturday, she can soak herself in a warm bathtub and get ready for some sex games and personal time with her hubby.
5. Discount the television
Take it from my friend Bethany. For her, leaving behind the addiction to TV series opened up a lot of time for things that were actually important to her. Earlier, even when she did get some spare time, she would spend it in front of the telly. But Bethany decided to consciously change her priorities after she got into a relationship with Lizzie.
The fact that she no longer sits before the television all evening on the weekends opened up the avenue for a lot more passion. The sex in their marriage got amped up the moment the TV was turned off. She invested in some lingerie, the two started watching some aesthetic porn together instead, and really turned up the heat in their marriage!
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6. How to make sex more exciting? Hit the DND button
As any copywriter would know, work does not end at the home ground. So, clients and bosses keep calling Bethany the whole day. To tackle the same and make sure that this doesn’t affect her intimacy with her partner, she made a small basket for her and Lizzie to put their phones in when they enter the bedroom.
As soon as the phones are away and put on silent, the night is officially theirs, and the two can happily experiment as they like. The fact that the bedroom is devoid of any gadgets, like the laptop or phones, has augmented their sexual escapades and helped them connect more deeply as a couple.
7. Plan your meals ahead
Walter and Michaela started this process a few years ago. This may seem like a minor change but it can really help revive sex in marriage if you do it correctly. They would sit with the kids and plan out the weekend meals beforehand.
This way, they did not have to rack their brain over what to cook when the weekend comes, and could focus on what’s important. Making time by cutting out the tedious details is sometimes the way to work on your sexual compatibility.
Related Reading: The Art Of Seduction After A Baby
8. Buy protection beforehand
These couples ensure that they always have their preferred protection close at hand. Running out of condoms and dental dams is the most disappointing reason to refrain from sex. So, how to make sex fun? Make sure you don’t kill the mood by thinking of protection at the last possible minute. By the time one has to take the car out to drive to the store, the mood is lost completely.
9. Stock up
How to get in the mood for my husband or wife? Make sure there is nothing else occupying your mind. Bethany and Lizzie hate shopping. So, if they have to shop for groceries on the weekend, they try and finish this task online.
This gives them extra time for each other, as well as protects them from the inevitable tiredness of going out in the heat. This way, their sex drive stays unaffected, and the sex in her marriage is as hot as ever.
10. Finally, be honest
For working people, there are some days they would be dead tired and would not want to indulge in sex. So, communication is vital. For Michaela, snuggling in and watching a movie is the ultimate stress buster. Walter tends to his garden. Bethany loves to cook and Lizzie enjoys going out for a hike to spend more time with herself. Remember, to turn around boring sex, it’s not just about focusing on yourselves as a couple. It’s also about focusing on you. Take time out for yourself and be as healthy and happy as you can. This will indeed help your sex life as well.
So, that’s it. A busy life does not mean sex in marriage has to suffer. It is all about making the effort on your end. Just make sure you communicate and plan out your days in advance, and you’ll find opportunities to sneak in some well-deserved fun.