Hi, Dr Avani!
I am a 34-year-old woman and have been married for past 5 years. I have been thinking about my problem and wasn’t sure if it can be resolved or maybe I need to end my marriage and move on. My husband is a very nice guy and I have no issues with him with respect to his nature or anything else… apart from one thing. Our sex life is not very good. Specially in my case I don’t feel passionate about making love with him. It’s been there since the beginning. In the initial years I thought it’s due to my broken relationship with my ex with whom I had a extremely passionate relationship, but things didn’t work out with him. I was broken but I had to move on. I met my husband and got married after a few months of knowing him. My husband is such a nice guy that any girl may want him… But when it comes to me getting intimate or physical with him I don’t find my self very comfortable or wanting to do it. When he touches me I feel like a stranger is touching me and may be that’s why I never initiate sex. I don’t want to break this marriage but also want to fulfill my needs. I feel like having sex but never tell him. Don’t know what stops me. When we do it, it’s not passionate but very monotonous. I need help. I do ask myself why I feel this way. Is it because I am not over my ex or is it because I don’t love my husband or is it something else altogether? Please help me.
Dr. Avani says:
There seem to be a lack of passion in your relationship and that [restict]can be very distressing. However, the good news is that you need not think of terminating your marriage over it. Passion can be created and recreated in a relationship, all it needs is two people willing to give it genuine shot.
First, you have to examine the circumstances in which this marriage took place. How well did you know your husband before marriage? What was your frame of mind when you agreed? What were your expectations? Were you on a rebound and decided to get into a relationship without giving yourself time to grieve the loss and heal? Do you expect your husband to love you in the same way your ex used to? Have you openly communicated and discussed your sexual needs with your husband? Finally, are you willing to put in the effort?
Once you’ve answered all these questions, half your work is done. For the rest you can refer to an earlier article of mine that deals with this subject in detail. Adding flavour to sex, I’m sure this story will have a happy ending!