We were lying together on a mattress. She was moving her hands through my hair and my hands were inside her t-shirt. I was feeling her body while we were aggressively making out. Slowly we moved to biting our ears and I slipped in my hand inside her panties. She was wet. And then she stood up and asked me to stop. We were taking things very fast, she said. After that we kissed some more but didn’t make love. I dropped her off on the main road and waved her goodbye when she sat in the autorickshaw. That’s what I did when she said no.
It’s her right to decide
A woman always has the right to put forward her desires. When she refuses to sleep with a man, he immediately takes it as a blow to his ego and focuses more on impressing her.
No amount of foreplay will make her have sex with you if she’s already made up her mind not to sleep with you.
She might be on her menses. The last time she had a one-night stand she felt miserable. She only makes love when she’s in a relationship. Maybe she doesn’t trust you enough to open her legs. It’s not important why she refuses, but the fact that she says no is to be accepted and respected.
Related reading: No means NO! Why men can’t take ‘NO’ in bed
If a woman has made up her mind to sleep with you, she will let you know. Either by actions or by words, she will let you now. Just because the two of you are watching a movie in a dark room with locked doors it doesn’t mean that she wants it. Assuming what a woman wants is subtly trying to control her. That isn’t what caring men do. If she really wants it, it will happen. Then you won’t have to think about knowing what she wants.
The time I’ve spent with women has made me understand that what they want in a man is a caring nature. The way I show care is by giving space to a woman and trusting her decisions for herself and the relationship that we have.
Don’t be a pervert
There are men who feel bad when a woman says no. Some of them throw acid. Some kill the girl. Others stalk her and become perverted one-sided lovers. All these behaviours stem from deep-rooted psychological insecurities and having a sense of ownership over a woman’s desires and choices.
If she is old enough to have sex with you, she clearly is smart enough to tell you when she will have it and when she won’t.
In this patriarchal world that we live in, men feel excited to pursue a girl who says no to them. If she says no, that’s it. End of story. Leave her alone. She doesn’t find you attractive enough and there is no point in trying to convince her and show her how valuable you are to her. Find somebody who will accept and love you and don’t make a mess in lives of women who have already said no to you.
Sex means no selfishness
There was this roommate of my friend who stopped talking to a girl just because she refused to sleep with him after the first time they kissed. That made me ponder over his selfishness to have sex and not being sensitive to the choice of that girl. If you want to have sex it’s very important to be on the same track as your partner, I told him. That’s what I believe and follow in my life.
When that girl refused, I felt a little bad. What was that making out for when it didn’t lead to sex? The only sensible thing to do at that time was to go with what she had decided to do. Physical intimacy is meant to be shared and not forced. It’s a gift we give to other human beings who are joyfully willing to accept it. After she went, I went over to bury my desires in chai-sutta. Life is about giving space to other people and that can only happen when we stop telling them what they should be doing.
She said no and I accepted it.