We’re not going to sugarcoat it: the path to rebuilding trust after infidelity is an uphill one. Whether you’ve cheated on your partner or you’re the one who had their trust shattered, it’s not easy to pick up the pieces and rebuild the connection that made you commit to each other for life. In fact, in the immediate aftermath of infidelity, when emotions run high and judgment is clouded, figuring out how to regain trust after cheating may seem impossible.

However, if you’ve managed to weather the storm that came after the initial admission of guilt, there may be hope for your relationship after all. But it will take a lot of patience, empathy, honest communication, and mutual respect to gain trust after cheating and rebuild the relationship. 

We’re here to help you figure out how to tread this long, arduous path, with expert insights from psychologist Aakhansha Varghese (MSc Counseling Psychology), who specializes in relationship and divorce counseling, to help us figure out how to rebuild trust after cheating and lying. Let’s read on as we unearth the ground rules after cheating…

How To Regain Trust After Cheating—10 Tips For The Betrayer

When infidelity rears its ugly head in a relationship, the sense of security that holds a couple together is upended and replaced by a sense of uneasiness and self-doubt. When your partner sees you, all they see is your betrayal. No matter how sorry you are, rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is like an attempt to stack uneven stones on top of one another, trying to ensure that they don’t tumble down again.

“There are no easy answers or shortcuts to how to rebuild trust in a relationship after cheating. It will be challenging. The first thing to remember is to have patience, for yourself and your partner as well. Give your partner as much space as possible, to think and process whatever has happened. Trust in your partner to be able to come back to you with an answer or a suitable conclusion to everything that has happened,” says Aakhansha, pointing out the very first step to rebuilding trust after emotional infidelity or sexual affairs, for that matter. 

With consistent effort, it’s possible to get back to a place of love and unwavering trust. These 10 tips on how to rebuild trust after cheating and lying will make sure your efforts are in the right direction: 

Related Reading: 9 Ways To Fix A Relationship After Trust Is Broken

1. End the affair

One of the ground rules after cheating is to cut ties with your affair partner. If you haven’t done this already, know that it’s an absolute prerequisite while you try to figure out how to regain trust after cheating. If you want your partner to see that you are trying to mend things with him/her, do it by showing them that the affair is behind you. By ending an affair, you have taken your first step toward regaining your partner’s trust.

This is especially important if you’re trying to regain trust after an emotional affair. Since that dynamic wasn’t even really about sexual gratification, communication is what must’ve made it thrive. And unless you put an end to the communication, your partner, whose trust has been broken, will never be able to take you seriously. 

2. Be accountable for your actions

At times, instead of rebuilding trust after emotional infidelity or sexual affairs, cheaters start playing the blame game. But remember, no matter what the issues in your relationship, nothing justifies your actions. If you’ve cheated and are doing this, it will only drive your partner away. So, whatever the reasons for your extramarital affair, you need to own up to it instead of defending it. 

Being accountable is key to unraveling the mystery of how to rebuild trust in a relationship after cheating because it lets your partner know that:

• You are owning up to your mistake
• You’ve accepted that you’ve done something wrong
• You’re willing to work on it
• You are courageous enough to accept responsibility, instead of blaming someone else 

Here’s how to go about it:

• Tell your partner every detail of how and when it started
• Tell them you regret your actions
• Tell them how you’d like to rebuild the trust 

3. While rebuilding trust after infidelity, let your partner vent it out

One of the answers to how to regain trust after cheating lies in providing your partner a safe space to vent out all the pain and angst they’re feeling. “When you give a person safe space to vent, they’ll appreciate the opportunity and will start to feel more secure. Being more supportive than defensive will help too. Naturally, when a person feels heard, they start to heal. And this is how trust will be rebuilt,” says Aakhansha.

4. Be as transparent as possible

Transparency in your behavior shows that you’re committed to regaining trust after cheating. It may seem like you’re letting your partner cross the thin line between love and privacy but know that it’s only temporary and much needed. Here’s how you can do it:

• Whether you are going out with your sister or texting your colleague, tell your partner
• Be back when your partner is expecting you. Don’t let the doubts creep in again
• Don’t lie or hide things from your partner, especially the ones that can trigger trust issues and undo any progress you may have made

Related Reading: Surviving An Affair – 12 Steps To Reinstate Love And Trust In A Marriage

5. Take it slow

Regaining someone’s trust isn’t an easy job. It requires baby steps — making small changes, one at a time. Don’t expect your partner to forgive you immediately after you close the chapter of your extramarital affair. “Pressuring your partner to give you an answer in a day or two is quite unfair to them. In a lot of cases, it backfires as well. The person who has been cheated on sees that they aren’t being given any space, and they may end up taking a few steps back. This can have a lot of unpleasant consequences. Take things slow, it’s not something you can rush,” says Aakhansha. 

6. Be vulnerable 

If you are wondering how to regain trust after cheating, remember that there is no avoiding uncomfortable conversations and vulnerability. You and your partner may be tip-toeing around uncomfortable conversations about what happened because of the obvious embarrassment or the fear of losing each other. But talking it out is always the best solution.

“It felt as though everything I was doing was wrong, I had no idea what to do,” said Jeff, a reader, speaking about how he struggled with regaining trust after cheating on his girlfriend, Kayla, “While I was planning grand romantic gestures, she thankfully told me that all she wanted me to do was talk to her and tell her what I’m feeling.” 

Related Reading: How To Heal After Being Cheated On And Stay Together

7. Give yourself time to heal

Yes, you were the one who ended up cheating on your partner. And you may have ended the affair already. But does that mean you don’t need time to heal after the affair? You can only rebuild trust in the relationship when you’re no longer looking back and are completely over the past. You may need to:

• Refocus on your priorities in life, be it a healthy relationship or long-term life goals
• Indulge in self-care and take up activities that rejuvenate you
• Take your time to set the tone in your relationship with your partner

8. Try to reconnect, both emotionally and physically

It is important to reconnect with your partner so that both of you can feel some sort of bond between you and can rekindle the same connection that you felt before the blow of infidelity ruined your bond. In such cases, reconnecting physically is as important as doing so emotionally.

“Reconnecting with your partner is a culmination of accepting your mistake, giving the other person space, and having patience. Both partners must mutually agree on why they want to continue the relationship. There’s no doubt that physical intimacy and affection in a couple can suffer quite a setback due to infidelity. In such cases, both partners must have patience and must understand that it’s temporary. Counseling can be incredibly beneficial, and perhaps a sex therapist will help you to retrieve the intimacy,” says Aakhansha. 

9. Try to start afresh

It’s possible that your relationship had too many problems, which led you to get into the affair. But now that you know where you stand and wish to rebuild trust in your relationship, address your issues and make a sincere effort to work through them. Starting afresh by avoiding the mistakes that you made before the affair will prevent you from going through the same path all over again, while also helping you figure out how to regain trust after cheating. 

 Related Reading: 5 Terrible Mistakes My Parents Made in Their 50-Year-Old Marriage

10. Avoid walking down the same road to infidelity

You know the events that led to the affair. It could have been a moment of weakness, a rebound, a means to reduce your stress or frustration, a one-night stand, your ex returning to you, or just some old habits. There are many tempting roads to infidelity, but you know your weak spots and you need to avoid them. Ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes again.

Take steps to not land in the same situations that may have caused you to have an affair. If you have serial cheater tendencies, definitely opt for counseling and address them. This is vital if you want to rebuild trust in a relationship.

Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity — 10 Tips For The Betrayed Partner

Now that we know what a cheater should do to rebuild trust in a relationship, let’s look at how a betrayed partner can work toward rebuilding faith in the bond. Yes, you read that right: even though you’re the one who has been wronged, you will have to do your part if you want to save your relationship. A lot of people who have been cheated on make the mistake of thinking that only the cheater needs to make amends. 

While undoubtedly the onus of making amends lies with the cheater, the one who has been betrayed needs to make an effort to accept their efforts and meet them halfway. Now, what does the effort look like? We delved into the depths of the matter and jotted down 10 tips on how to gain trust after cheating if you’re the betrayed partner:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

It’s very important to go through your feelings of hurt and process your emotions if you’re confused about how to get over betrayal. Unless you go through this phase where sadness and anger overwhelm you, you won’t be able to take the next step forward. So, go through it all. Here’s how you can control your emotions and still let them out:

• Maintain a journal where you jot your feelings down
• Write a letter to your partner and his cheating partner, explaining why they’re wrong, and then burn it
• Make voice notes when you’re crying or tearing apart. Listen to them later and process your emotions. Delete them later

Related Reading: 12 Signs Of A Lying Spouse

2. Reflect on your part in the affair

Victim-blaming or blame-shifting in relationships is indeed wrong. However, it’s also true that your partner may have cheated on you for a myriad of reasons, which could have stemmed from certain issues plaguing your relationship. While we’re not saying you need to feel guilty for your partner’s cheating, it’s imperative to explore if your relationship dynamic could have contributed to their actions in any way. Reflect if you could’ve:

• Communicated with them more
• Paid a little more attention to them instead of making them feel ignored
• Focused on the waning physical connection between the two of you
• Prevented yourself from hurting their feelings by lashing out at them at times

3. Be honest, always

As difficult as it may seem, honesty is non-negotiable if you want to learn how to get over betrayal in a relationship. Tell your partner how you feel. “By holding regret or resentment toward yourself or your partner, you’re only making the job of rebuilding the relationship a lot harder,” says Aakhansha. Keep in mind the following tips while you go about it:

• You have to have to have a lot of conversations with your partner
• Don’t let anything be left unsaid
• It may seem difficult to speak of some of the things they have done, but being honest with how you feel is the only way you’ll pave the way forward

Related Reading: How To Watch Out For The Relationship Red Flags – Expert Tells You

4. Talk to someone you trust

If you’re confused about how to gain trust after cheating as a betrayed partner, talk to someone you trust. A third person’s perspective always helps you gauge where you stand in a relationship. This is simply because you may not be able to ascertain your flaws or even those of your partner. You may be biased in your judgment too. 

Speak to a close friend, a trusted coworker, or even a family member and seek their opinion on how to rebuild trust in the relationship. A friend of mine, Sally, would often confide in me about how she was being cheated on by her husband, and ask, “Should I forgive a cheater just because I share history with them?” After a few genuine conversations, she felt a lot relieved and spoke to her husband about the issue. They are now three months into therapy and looking forward to new beginnings together.

5. Set realistic expectations

Rebuilding a relationship takes a lot of work, and progress is never linear. You will have good days and bad. There will be times when you feel like you’re back to square one, seething with pain and anger. At the same time, you may expect your partner to always be remorseful and apologetic, and make sweeping gestures to win you over, but remember, they’re working through an emotional turmoil of their own. 

The bottom line is, infidelity is a messy affair and it’s important to set realistic expectations when working on repairing your relationship with your cheating partner. Keep these things in mind:

• Don’t expect them to resort to the same attention and affection that you witnessed in the early days of your relationship 
• They may have matured and may have other ways to treat you right
• They may not buy you expensive gifts to make amends right away but may take their own time to process the whole thing and get back to you in time
• They may not completely break all ties with the cheating partner if they still work together, and that’s fine if they don’t cross the line

Related Reading: 20 Signs You Are In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

6. Set boundaries

Set some ground rules or boundaries in your relationship to get back the trust. Here’s what you can do:

• Let them know that flirting with others, even causally, is not acceptable
• Tell them you get upset if they make some suggestive comments on other people’s photos and posts 
• Let them know you’re not fine with them not telling you about their whereabouts if they don’t get back home by a certain time
• Tell them you will end it the next time they cheat on you, emotionally or physically

7. Watch if they’re consistent

The best thing you can do as a partner who’s been betrayed is to not rely on face value or believe in what they say but watch for consistent actions. In case they tell you they aren’t going to flirt with someone else anymore, see if they stick to their words and for how long. React if they don’t and let them know it’s not going to work.

Related Reading: What Are The Consequences Of Affairs When Both Partners Are Married?

8. Be patient

Healing from infidelity is neither easy nor a linear process. It takes time and may, at times, seem impossible. And as a study pointed out, “…it can also cause stress, heartache and may even be traumatic in some circumstances.” Let yourself heal at your own pace and grieve occasionally too. “With love and patience, nothing is impossible,” said Japanese Buddhist leader Daisaku Ikeda. So, have faith and be patient. Don’t expect quick results.

9. Consult a counselor 

The advice of a professional counselor can help you focus on understanding how to trust your partner after infidelity. “When there are challenges with communication that seem impossible to overcome, therapy can come to your aid. A trained professional can help immensely in case you’re wondering how to work on trust issues,” says Aakhansha. You can also try couples therapy exercises at home.

Related Reading: Why A Cheating Person Shows No Remorse – 17 Astonishing Reasons

 10. Celebrate small milestones

While you try to make amends for the infidelity and get back the trust in your relationship, don’t forget to celebrate the small joys of life and celebrate small milestones. For instance, watch out for:

• Sending you texts throughout the day to update you about their whereabouts
• Surprising you by giving random gifts
• Coming home early from work occasionally to spend quality time with you

5 Things You Can Do As A Couple For Building Trust After Infidelity

Now that you know what both partners can do to build trust in the infidelity recovery stage, let’s look at how couples can work toward this goal, together, as a team. It may be no cakewalk, but we promise you, these tips on how to earn trust in a relationship as a couple will eventually bring you closer. So, here’s how to fix a relationship after trust is broken, as a couple:

1. Opt for couples counseling

Yes, individual counseling helps sort your own thoughts, but the best way to solve your issues as a couple is to opt for couples therapy/counseling together

Related Reading: 5 Subtle Signs You’re Being Cheated On, According To An Expert

2. Create opportunities to reconnect

Make it a practice to put your phones (and social media) away and talk to each other. You don’t need to fixate on what went wrong and how you two can work together to resolve the issues. Use this time to just understand each other and reconnect  

3. Take a trip 

Plan a vacation. The time together will do you a lot of good. Apart from getting physically close, it will also help you feel emotionally closer too 

Related Reading: How To Find Out If Your Partner Is Cheating Online: Signs and Tips

4. Take up couples’ activities to bond

Take up hobbies and couple activities such as fitness classes, art workshops, yoga, etc. You can consider re-doing your home décor as a way to bond with your partner

5. Spend quality time to discuss future plans

Take some time off every day to bond over future plans and chalk out a strategy to achieve them as a couple.

How Long Does It Take To Rebuild Trust After Cheating? 

Now that you know how to earn trust in a relationship, it’s only natural to wonder how long it will take for your efforts to bear fruit. And with good reason too, after all, that phase after infidelity when the cheated partner is asking themselves, “Should I stay or should I leave?”, or the cheater is wondering, “Will my relationship survive this?”, can be the most emotionally debilitating. 

A Gottman Institute article says that this period of uncertainty can elongate the time taken to rebuild trust in a relationship. So, how long does it take to rebuild trust after cheating? An Infidelity Recovery Institute article states that it may take about 18 months to recover from infidelity, but that too is possible only when the couple works toward the issue and attempts to recover. And in case the couple decides to ignore the issues in the relationship that caused the cheating in the first place, broken trust can never be regained.

We believe each couple takes its own time to recover from infidelity, and there can be no fixed timeline for it. It all depends on how committed the couple is toward figuring out how to regain trust after cheating and moving forward.

Related Reading: 11 Tips To Build A Successful Relationship After Cheating

Rebuilding Trust After Cheating – Is It Worth It?

The final question is: is rebuilding trust in a relationship after cheating really worth it? Well, it all depends on what you feel about the relationship. You need to ask yourself some questions in case you’ve been cheated and are considering fixing things with your partner:

• Will I be happy with them?
• Should I forgive a cheater just because I share kids, finances, etc. with them?
• Can I trust my partner again at all, even if I get back with them?
• Am I respected in the relationship at all?

Related Reading: 20 Myths And Facts About Cheating In A Marriage

In addition, here’s what a Reddit user says that may be an important point to note while considering whether rebuilding trust is worth it: “Do they actually understand that the trust is broken and what that means? Kind of similar to the above point, but if they just want to bury this under the rug, they would likely be annoyed if you bring up the affair. Basically, unless they are actually remorseful and can demonstrate that through various actions, I wouldn’t trust them.”

Final Thoughts

Now that we know how to regain trust after cheating, remember, when you’re trying to regain your partner’s trust after cheating, the most important thing you need to keep in mind is that you need to be patient. Agree on what it is that drove you both toward each other in the first place, and don’t let your wavering trust distance both of you from each other. 

For regaining trust after cheating, one has to realize that trust comes and goes. It’s not constant. Just keep the basics in mind. Don’t play any games, make sure the communication is clear and transparent, and have patience. Most importantly, trust the process and you’ll easily comprehend how to fix a relationship after trust is broken.

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