why do i lose feelings so fast
“Why do I lose feelings so fast once things start to get a little serious with someone?” If you resonate with this and you often lose feelings for someone for no reason, then it’s because of various factors that we are going to cover in this article. Sometimes it’s not your fault, sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s because of the person you are seeing, sometimes you just didn’t click. Nonetheless, it’s important for you to know that this experience isn’t unusual. It has happened to most of us at least once in our lives.
To find out what can cause someone to lose feelings for a person they really liked in the beginning, we reached out to psychologist Aakhansha Varghese, (M.Sc. Psychology), who specializes in different forms of relationship counseling – from dating to breakups, and premarital to abusive relationships.
She says, “Most of the time, the sudden loss of interest in a person may stem from past experiences and the disappointments they faced in their previous relationships. Since their expectations were crumbled by their ex-partner, their feelings fluctuate when they start thinking that this relationship would also go down the drain. The act of “hollow words and no action” could be one of the primary reasons that you lose interest as soon as you start a new relationship.”
Is It Normal To Randomly Lose Feelings?
Research suggests that every phase of love – from the initial feelings of giddy euphoria to a lifelong partnership – has an underlying evolutionary purpose. At some pivotal point in a relationship, one or both parties will experience a reduction in brain chemicals that can be best described as “Sprog Fog”. This serves as an important evolutionary function that allows people to take a step back from the temporary insanity of lust and romance to objectively consider their partner’s suitability as a potential parent.
This research proves that it’s normal to lose feelings for someone. Let’s say, you meet someone on a coffee date and your heart is beating so fast it feels like it would slit out of your chest. You start meeting them often, but it now feels like you are losing interest in them. Before we find out whether or not it’s normal to start losing feelings for someone for NO reason, let’s quickly take a look at some of the signs you have completely lost interest in the person you are dating:
- You don’t look forward to meeting them
- You question the point of your relationship
- Their quirks that made you smile are now annoying you
- You are restless when you spend time with them
- You wish to terminate your relationship with them
- You don’t speak about them with your friends the way you used to
If you have experienced all or even two of the above signs, then it’s better to talk to your partner instead of keeping them in the dark. According to Aakhansha, it’s normal to lose interest in the following scenarios:
- It’s normal to lose feelings when neither partner tries to make it work
- When you are not trying to fix your relationship in a healthy way
- When one or both of you have lost hope for the relationship
- When you or your partner have stopped making an effort to make the other feel appreciated, acknowledged, and loved
- When you fall for someone else
She adds, “However, it’s not normal to randomly lose interest in someone you truly love, because losing interest is a slow and gradual process. You don’t fall out of love overnight unless maybe you’re aromantic.”
7 Reasons You Lose Your Feelings For Someone Fast
If you are asking, “Why do I lose feelings so fast?”, then it might be a relief for you to know that it’s absolutely normal and valid when your feelings change for someone for no reason. You can’t really tell your feelings how to feel. They are doing their job perfectly well based on:
- The things you see around you – in the relationship, in the world, at your home, with your friends, etc.
- The things you have been through in the past
- Your present circumstances
- Whether or not you have gone through all the stages of grief and healed from them completely
Now, what can cause someone to lose feelings? Let’s find out.
1. Your values don’t match
Aakhansha says, “One of the main reasons that you lose interest as soon as you start a new relationship is because your values and goals don’t match. For example, the person you are seeing right now believes in the foundation of marriage and wants to settle down but you don’t believe in the institution of marriage and/or you are against having children. This could create a lot of friction between you and your partner.”
Being in a relationship with opposing values can be problematic because you can’t let go of a core value you grew up with. Let’s say, you are a very religious person but your partner doesn’t believe in any higher power. This can create problems between the two of you and you may end up distancing from one another.
Related Reading: 7 Stages Of Getting Back Together With An Ex
2. You have different attachment styles
It’s no secret that attachment styles affect all the relationships you make in your adult life. Aakhansha shares, “An attachment bond is the connection you received as an infant from your primary caregiver”. There are four types of attachment styles:
- Secure attachment style: People with this style often have no issues displaying affection and interest. They are secure in their personalities and they tend to draw boundaries clearly
- Anxious attachment style: People who need constant assurance from their partner and have trouble being alone have anxious attachment style
- Avoidant attachment style: Those who have self-confidence but lack emotional warmth and don’t know how to express their feelings fall under the category of avoidant attachment style
- Insecure attachment style: People who have trust issues and have unmanageable insecurities have an insecure attachment style
Meet Aanya from New Jersey. Knowing her relationship history, we ask her, “Why are you losing feelings for guys so fast?” She says, “Yes, I’ve been thinking about this: Why do I lose feelings so fast? I think it’s when I realize my attachment style isn’t the same as the person I am dating. I have an anxious attachment style, and my feelings change quickly when my partner doesn’t reassure me of his love. It makes me wonder whether he even loves me in the first place. This constant overthinking makes me fall out of love.”
When you lose interest as soon as you start a new relationship, it’s probably because they fail to understand your attachment style and because you aren’t able to navigate the relationship being anxious, avoidant, or insecure.
3. You lose interest if it was all too fast, too soon
Aakhansha says, “Love is nothing but all the happy hormones like oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine, and serotonin going bonkers when you meet someone new. It takes a year for these chemicals to settle down. That’s when you finally see a person for who they are. In most of the cases, if you make major decisions like moving in together or getting engaged to them before a year, then there are chances you acted out of these chemicals. When you finally see them with all their flaws and imperfections, you end up losing interest gradually.”
Even research has shown that oxytocin is that high feeling you get for the first 6 months of a romantic relationship. It also increases the impact of emotionally heightened events that have social relevance. For example, it will amplify the memory of your first kiss and it will remain in your memory for a very long time. That’s why people have a hard time forgetting their first love and first kiss.
So, what can cause someone to lose feelings? When they rush into a relationship because life looks beautiful when you are wearing rose-tinted glasses. Only when you remove them, you see life – and your partner – as they are. Earlier, all their red flags would look pink to you. That’s why you should never rush a relationship. The relationship will crash and burn and you will eventually get bored of them.
4. You just like the chase
Why do I lose feelings so fast? Probably because you are addicted to the chase and not the actual game. You meet a good-looking person across the bar. Your eyes meet and you start talking to them. There are so many things you have in common. They have a good sense of humor and you seem to be drawing closer to them. You exchange numbers and meet them again for a date.
One date has quickly turned to several but now you seem to be losing interest. It’s because you lose interest after the chase. It’s the thrill of getting to know someone new that drives your blood and when it’s time to be in an exclusive relationship with them, you find them boring. If that’s the case with you, then you need to figure out why you like the chase more than the relationship and then figure out what you can do about it. For now, here are a few possible reasons:
- You are a serial dater
- New relationships make you feel validated
- You love the attention a new person gives you
- You are scared of commitment due to various underlying reasons
Related Reading: 13 Signs You Are The Selfish One In Your Relationship
5. It was lust, not love
Aakhansha says, “This might be difficult for you to admit but there are chances you were in it just for the sex and weren’t ready for a romantic relationship. You lose feelings when things get serious because you don’t want a relationship with them. The chemistry and attraction was intense in the beginning only because it was all hot and heavy.”
Now that both of you have been seeing each other for quite some time, you seem to have lost interest in them. It’s alright if that happens with one or two people, but if this happens often, you might want to accept that you’re not ready for commitment and tell that to your next date before you meet up.
6. You feel a special connection lacking with them
When asked on Reddit what can cause someone to lose feelings, a user replied, “Only in the absence of emotional or intellectual connection. My feelings change so quickly when there’s no connection with the person I am seeing. I learned it’s best to address your strengths and weaknesses very early on whenever possible. Being open also helps gauge each other’s level of maturity and self-awareness which I think are vital to a healthy, successful relationship.”
When you know why things are feeling off in your relationship, you will be able to address this issue with your partner before you completely give up on them. Find out what’s missing. Is it trust? Communication? Or are the two of you not able to connect on an emotional level? Whatever the reason is, don’t let it create unsolvable barriers between you two.
7. You can lose feelings for someone if you are afraid of commitment
Julian, a 23-year-old arts student, asks Bonobology, “Why do my feelings go away so fast when a guy asks me for a commitment? I lose interest when someone likes me back and asks if we could start dating exclusively.”
Research has found that though men have traditionally had more problems making marital commitments, more women are also avoiding marriage. The reason that more and more people are afraid of commitment is because of the following reasons:
- They are afraid of losing their identity
- This is one of the common relationship fears: they are afraid of being controlled or giving up control of their life
- They aren’t financially equipped to commit to someone
- They are afraid of accepting adult responsibility
If you are in a situation like Julian’s, then there are chances you have commitment phobia. It could also be the other way around. If you are losing feelings for someone you love, it could be because they aren’t ready to commit to you yet.
- It’s normal to lose feelings for someone if you don’t feel seen, heard, fulfilled, or needed in the relationship, or if your values or goals didn’t match, or if you’ve stopped making an effort toward each other
- It’s normal to lose romantic interest if you’re on the aromantic spectrum
- It’s normal to lose feelings if you’re dating casually and you didn’t really love this person in the first place
- But it’s not normal to fall out of love overnight because falling out of love is a gradual process and it takes a lot more than just one conflict
- One of the reasons that you lose feelings for guys so fast could be because of their commitment issues. You could also be losing feelings for a girl if she is emotionally unavailable
Most couples get irritated with each other once their honeymoon phase fades away. That’s why it’s important to figure out what you want from this person before starting a relationship with them. If you want a no-strings-attached kind of a relationship, let them know before leading them on. If you have a problem with their attachment style, then sit together and communicate how you can work through it. There is a solution for everything. Don’t lose hope in yourself or in a stable relationship just because you seem to be losing interest in the beginning.
It can happen when their partner isn’t appreciative of them or doesn’t make them a priority. Some other reasons include: not being compatible enough and letting stagnancy take over the relationship. You and your partner must consciously make an effort to keep each other happy.
It could be because you love the thrill of getting to know someone but once that thrill fades and you start being comfortable with them, you lose interest romantically. You could also be afraid of commitment and the thought of spending the rest of your life with someone scares the bejesus out of you. Or you could be on the aromantic spectrum.