Something is missing but you’re not sure what?
It’s been a long, hard day at work, you hate your boss, you kind of hate your job, you are exhausted. You come home and you still have to cook dinner, clean up the mess you left this morning and prepare for the next day. Ain’t nobody got time or energy to break into dance in the sheets after that. Add kids to the mix and you have the recipe for erotic doom.
Desire, the spark, the boom, the fireworks whatever you call it, often fades over time in long-term relationships. According to a recent newspaper article, married (read long-term relationship) couples in India are having less sex than ever before!
How to bring the spark back and keep it, then?
1. Demystify the myth of spontaneity
As much as pop culture reinforces the myth, sex is not going to fall out of the sky when you are cleaning cobwebs from the ceiling or wringing wet clothes before putting them out to dry. Sex in long-term relationships is pre-meditated sex; it takes planning. Don’t expect the magic to just happen, get out there and make it happen.
Sex in long-term relationships is pre-meditated sex; it takes planning. Don’t expect the magic to just happen, get out there and make it happen.
2. Create an erotic space
Creating an erotic space doesn’t only have to mean candles and rose petals on the bed, while that can be helpful, it is also about creating a space where you are a couple, not the parents of Bablu, or the employee of Bigshot company or the daughter or son of the khandaan. You need to create a space where you can let go of your responsibilities and allow the playfulness of desire to sparkle. Some ways in which you can create this space are to create a night-time ritual, for example every night before falling asleep, my husband and I tell each other one thing we loved about the other that day and this brings us closer instantly.
Another tip is to have a 3 minute make-out session before sleeping, only making out, no pressure; it’s sexy and playful and if it leads to more, hurray! And finally, make sure that your bedroom, or at least your bed, remains a sacred space. Avoid bring phones into the bedroom, or working in bed and definitely do not go to bed angry at each other.
3. Have date nights (with each other)
Who says dating has to stop when you are married or in a long-term relationship? Plan a date with each other at least one evening every month. It can be as simple as going for a long drive or a moonlight walk or eating ice cream from a thela. Get dressed up, go outside, do something different from your routine together. Make a rule that you will not talk about the kids or rent or work on this date, be imaginative, be playful and you will remember what made you fall in love with your partner in the first place.
4. Be open to trying new things
One of the most potent poisons that kills desire in long-term relationships is the lack of novelty. While on one hand, familiarity breeds ease and security, it can also give rise to boredom and monotony. Be open to try new things in your relationship. One of the biggest advantages of being in a healthy long-term relationship is that you can be completely comfortable with your partner; this is a great foundation to explore your sexuality together. Don’t hesitate to try new things: sex toys, new positions, lingerie, role-play, fetishisms, can all be safely discovered in your erotic space.
Don’t hesitate to try new things: sex toys, new positions, lingerie, role-play, fetishisms, can all be safely discovered in your erotic space.
Make sure to be respectful and always keep consent at the center of all exploration.
Related reading: No sex, please, we’re married
5. Love and value yourself
One of the secrets to keeping the spark alive in relationships is to keep the spark alive within you. It is difficult to be sexy when you don’t feel sexy. Eat healthy, take care of your mental, emotional and physical well-being. Find your passion and invest your time in cultivating it. Nothing burdens a relationship like neediness. Depending on each other is healthy and normal in a relationship, but when your partner becomes the only source of joy in your life, something is not right. Making some quality time for yourself will also help you value yourself more. Love and accept yourself the way you are and before you know it you bringin’ sexy back!
Watch the TED talk that inspired this post: