Despite their fundamental differences, extroverts and introverts are often drawn to each other. While they may be the yin to your yang, dating an introvert may bring about some unexpected challenges for you, especially when you’re an outgoing person.
Being romantically involved with an introverted person often means having to train your mind to respect their boundaries and learn how to communicate with an introvert partner. Without making them feel left out or ignored. Once you learn to strike that balance, your relationship can thrive in ways you couldn’t have imagined. To help you get that balancing act right, it’s important to understand the intricacies of introverted dating, along with some effective communication strategies to get through to them.
We bring on board emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Psychological and Mental Health First Aid from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney), who specializes in counseling for issues like extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief, and loss, to help us see who introverts are, what do they need, and what is the shortest (and quietest) way to their hearts.
Who Is An Introvert?
Table of Contents
The famous Myers-Briggs Personality test alludes to the extraversion-introversion dichotomy. This test criterion is based on Carl Jung’s personality theory of extraversion and introversion. Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, said that we are all somewhere on the spectrum between extreme introversion and extreme extraversion, calling the people right in the middle ambiverts.
Introverts, as per Jung, are people who are energized by their internal world, in contrast to extroverts who are energized by the external world. Introverts’ energy expands in quiet reflection while it disintegrates during interaction with the outside world. They turn inward to rest and energize.
The Myers-Briggs Organization, interestingly, analyzed the inputs of the famous test and came out with its results in a study titled, How Frequent Is My Type. The study found that introverts made up 50.7% and extroverts 49.3% of the United States general population. It is surprising to note that the number of people identifying as introverts outweighs the extroverts, albeit marginally. The most common introvert characteristics are:
- Being reserved, reflective, and sensitive
- Being non-confrontational
- Preference for low-stimulation settings
- Enjoying solitary activities
- Protective of their personal space
- Not very adept at social skills
- Most comfortable in small groups
However, care must be taken not to mistake introversion as a social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder stems from psychological issues that cause a person to feel fearful of social interactions. Whereas introversion is a preference to interact less to conserve one’s energy. This is important as it allows you to see value in your partner’s personality type and what they bring to the table instead of vilifying their reflective nature as shy, awkward, or socially anxious.
12 Things You Need To Know About Dating An Introvert
Dating an introvert can be a real mixed bag. On one hand, they can make their partners feel absolutely secure in the relationship, and on the other, deciphering them can be a nightmare. It gets tougher if you’re an extrovert dating an introvert because it is a classic case of opposites attract. So while your inherent differences will draw you to one another, dramatically different expectations from a relationship can lead to clashes. You may end up having several misunderstandings, arguments, hurt, and pain, which may harm your relationship.
Namrata says, “Introverts take time opening up to their partner but they enjoy the company of the person they love dearly. One of the benefits of dating an introvert is that you get 100% of their time and thoughtful attention, whereas an extrovert splits their time with other friends and acquaintances, too. Introverts are usually very calm and composed; they think before they speak and are very considerate of the other person’s feelings. They are full of small, meaningful gestures to make your heart melt.
“If you love to engage in deep interactions and interesting conversations, you will have no trouble loving an introvert and building an enduring relationship with them. On the contrary, whereas words flow much more spontaneously with an extrovert, their attention span is often not very impressive. You will face a hard time dragging your introverted partner to a family dinner, as talking to a room full of people is an introvert’s nightmare. An extrovert will win on this front and charm your folks in a heartbeat.”
While the differences are clear as day, such a partnership can take off beautifully. As long as you learn to respect the relationship boundaries of a reserved person in a relationship, and they, in turn, accept your need to let loose. Space, understanding, and mutual respect are the keys to success when you’re dating an introverted man or woman. If this dynamic hits too close to home vis-à-vis your relationship with an introvert, our guide to dating an introvert will be of great help!
1. They like to take it slow
Unlike extroverted people who enjoy being up and about, introverts are most comfortable in their space. They put a lot of thought into everything they do and prefer to take things slow. As their partner, it is imperative that you understand this aspect of their personality and be empathetic toward their emotional needs in a relationship rather than being critical.
When dating an introverted woman or man, always be mindful of the fact that your partner needs time to get comfortable with new people, situations, and settings. That’s how it is always going to be with them. So, here’s what you need to know about dating an introvert: patience is indeed going to be your best friend.
Instead of trying hard to draw them out, allow them to get comfortable in the relationship at their own pace. Once they do, there is no going back. Your shy, mysterious partner might just turn out to be the most romantic person you’ve ever met.
2. Their definition of flirting is different
If you expect the usual romantic expressions from them, you are likely to be disappointed. As an extrovert, you may be able to vocalize your feelings and emotions effortlessly, but an introvert’s idea of flirting can be very different, and thus, often easy to miss. They may just prefer to gaze at you while you are not looking, and appreciate your smile or the way your hair falls on the nape of your neck.
Introverts are also often stingy with their compliments. It just doesn’t come naturally to them to say it out loud unless something inside them compels them to. They may flirt with you, but in a loving way and without being cheeky. You can look forward to more than just the typical run-of-the-mill flirting.
Namrata says, “As they are not very keen on interacting with people, the major thing to notice about an introvert is their body language. If an introverted person likes you, they will be slightly more attentive to you in a social gathering. When you start chatting with them, they would try hard not to be the awkward conversationalist that they usually are. If you see them laughing out loud at your not-so-funny jokes, they might have a soft corner for you.
“Introverts tend to live behind the curtain, so they’d love to stalk you on social media to know more about you. You may get a notification in the middle of the night that they have liked a picture from five years back. That’s an introvert’s way of grabbing your attention. Now everything depends on how good you are at catching subtle hints!”
Related Reading: 22 Interesting Questions To Ask A Girl To Know Her Better
3. They are not very social
While they are not extremely social, neither are they necessarily asocial. Introverts have their moments of social stimulation, and that depends entirely on their state of mind. There is a definitive fun, carefree side to them too. It’s just that they’re not comfortable exhibiting this part of their nature outside of a core group of people.
So, whether your relationship with an introvert would involve a lot of outings and fun parties depends entirely on the setting. A friend of mine is a typical introvert who was dating this life-of-the-party guy. Just a couple of months into the relationship and he coaxed her to go to a friend’s wedding with him. It was just one of the things he expected his girlfriend to do.
Once introductions were done and greetings exchanged, my friend parked herself on a chair by the bar and spent most of her time nursing her drink, gazing at the revelry. At one point, her boyfriend’s friends came to drag her to the dance floor but she resisted with all her might. Quite a scene was created, and all eyes were on this new girl who wouldn’t mingle. She was furious with her boyfriend for letting his friends do that to her, and he was upset that she embarrassed him in front of them.
The incident became a sore spot in the relationship, the kind that rears its ugly head in every fight or argument. That’s why, when you’re in a relationship with an introverted guy or girl, it’s crucial not to push them out of their comfort zone if they’re not ready. Accept their boundaries just the way you’d expect them to accept yours.
Related Reading: Dating An Introvert? 10 Ways Introverts Show Their Love For You
4. They value quality time
Introverts are, by character, very thoughtful people. While you may be a carpe diem kind of person, your introverted partner would always think things through and understand situations before acting on an impulse. They’d any day prefer to spend quality time with you and have a deep, meaningful conversation rather than going for an outdoor date. For them, the idea of dating is not to go through a bucket list of things to do together but to understand their partner and connect with them on a deeper level.
Being mindful of this aspect of their personality can save you a lot of hurt and disappointment when dating an introvert. If they don’t plan a fancy dinner date on your first anniversary, it’s not because they don’t care but because they’d much rather spend time with you in an intimate, cozy setting where you can truly focus on each other.
5. Their expressions of love are subtle
Introverts’ expressions of love, too, are more silent and subtle. Don’t expect them to participate in hot, steamy sex in a public restroom every time or sing for you at a Karaoke bar. In fact, they may feel awkward at such advances made by you too. Some introverts hate Public Display of Affection (PDA).
It just goes against the dynamic of introverted personality and relationships. An introverted personality is akin to an onion. There are many layers to it, each seamlessly tucked beneath the other. When you enter into a relationship with one, it may take you a while to figure out that these layers exist because they are so guarded about their persona.
Their expressions of love are hidden in little gestures. Planting a kiss on your forehead, checking in to see whether you’ve reached work or home safely, bringing you a box of your favorite cookies – all of these are an introvert’s way of showing affection and letting you know that they care. Those roses and rainbows expressions will sneak out only when they are in a super romantic mood or you’re coaxing them to no end. Introverts do show their love, but not like everyone else.
Namrata says, “Before you start complaining that an introverted man or woman is hard to understand, be considerate of your partner’s love language. Introverts have a subtle way of expressing their emotions. They are more comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts in a secretive manner, only in the presence of their loved ones. A relationship with an introvert might actually work better if both partners prefer to keep their love life a private affair.”
6. They are attracted to intelligence
If you are dating an introverted person, then you already know that introverts are extremely selective by nature. They can be picky even when it comes to choosing their friends and even more so when it comes to a potential love interest. Their partner’s personality may be the opposite of theirs, but they could still be attracted to them.
It is because introverts are most stimulated by strong personalities with a mind and opinions of their own. In all likelihood, they will fall for people with a high intellect, even if they are extroverts. If an introvert has chosen you to be their partner, it’s a clear sign that they value you for the person you are. Count on that so you don’t lose sight of the big picture while sweating over the small stuff.
7. Introverts hate to be the center of attention
Introverts hate being the center of attention, especially among people they are not close to or comfortable around. As such, even your well-meaning actions can trigger unpleasantness in the relationship. For instance, if you plan a surprise birthday party for your partner and invite a large group of friends, coworkers, and cousins, the whole thing may backfire.
Don’t be surprised if your partner refuses to be a part of the gathering or just spends their time sulking in a corner. What’s a perfect celebration for you is far removed from their definition of a good time. You may have to learn to second-guess your most instinctive responses to certain situations. Whenever your extroverted self feels compelled to make a grand gesture, remember to factor in their likes, dislikes, and quirky tendencies before acting on the plan.
8. They may not always be open about their feelings
As an outgoing person who thrives on expressing what they feel in the moment, the constant guardedness of your partner can sow seeds of doubt in your mind. “How hard is it to say ‘”I love you” back?” you may find yourself wondering. When introverts fall in love, it is just different. There will be instances where you will question their love and feelings, especially in the nascent stages of your relationship with an introvert.
At such times, remind yourself of the fact that they’re with you because that’s what they want. Their feelings for you may well be far more intense than they let on. It’s just that introverts aren’t good at expressing their feelings frequently and will expect you to understand how they feel through their actions. So one of our tips for dating an introvert is that pick up the hints they are dropping your way until they are ready for unabashed expressions of love.
Related Reading: The 10 Second Texts That Will Make Him Smile For Hours
9. They need their alone time
It may be hard to decipher why someone who claims to be in love with you would want to recede into a cocoon of their own from time to time. If that makes you feel like you’re dating a guy who is hard to read or that the person you love can be unpredictably distant at times, find solace in the fact that all introverts love their alone time.
To them, it is like coming up for fresh air. It allows them to clear their head, organize their thoughts, and re-energize for the real world again. Them wanting to spend time by themselves is in no way a reflection on how much they love you or the health of your bond. So, accord them the luxury of some space in the relationship graciously, and it’ll work wonders. And if you look at the bright side, this could be one of the benefits of dating an introvert. In a good way, you are released from the worries of your partner encroaching on your personal space too.
Namrata says, “Before you got into a relationship with an introvert, they had an unwavering self-care routine. They expect you to understand that they had an organic lifestyle going on before you entered their life. And they can’t let you consume the space that they completely set aside for themselves. The best way to share space and time in a relationship with an introvert is to take an interest in their passions and get involved in the activities they love doing.”
10. They are big thinkers
Eddy, a psychology student, says, “My boyfriend is an introvert and I am an extrovert, currently living in different cities. For me, dating an introvert man long-distance gets a little difficult due to the inherent nature of my partner. There are times when he would go MIA. No texts, no calls for hours – then he would just come back and say, “Sorry, I was reading and lost track of time.” And here I feel exhausted worrying about him.”
Introverts live inside their heads. Their train of thought is constantly chugging, often causing them to get lost inside their mind. You may be sitting right next to them, and yet they may seem disconnected and emotionally distant. No, they are not thinking about someone else.
Anything from a line from the book they just read to a childhood memory or a work-related problem could occupy their headspace. Every so often, they’re unable to shake out of that maze of thoughts on their own. When this happens, don’t shy away from intervening. It may well be exactly what they need.
11. They will not open up that easily
There are many layers to an introvert, and you will not get to see their real self instantly. Primarily, because they’re more invested in discovering their partners rather than talking about themselves. And partly, because they need to feel a sense of security and comfort with their partner before they open up to them.
If you are dating an introvert man, don’t worry if they don’t share things with you right from the beginning. They’ll get there; you just need to be patient. Waiting to be let in is going to be more rewarding and effective than trying to get your foot through the door when your partner isn’t ready.
Related Reading: 15 Cute Ways To Prove To Your Girlfriend That You Love Her
12. They can get overwhelmed easily
Truth be told, introverts scare easily when it comes to moving forward in a relationship. If they are in a relationship with an extrovert, the pace at which the relationship is progressing can get a tad too daunting and overwhelming for them. In case you are wondering what it’s like dating an introvert, you should know that they prefer taking it slow.
If they feel things are spiraling at a dizzying speed or are not comfortable with the pace of the relationship, they may recede and want to move backward again. A relationship with an introvert isn’t a cakewalk, as falling in love too fast or moving in together out of an impulse is not their thing. It’ll certainly require a whole lot of understanding and patience from your end for it to work, but the results are magical and every bit worth that extra effort. If you are dating an introvert, you’ll relate to every single trait mentioned here.
11 Communication Strategies To Use If You’re Dating An Introvert
Given the peculiarities of introverted personalities, good communication holds the key to making your relationship work and thrive. Pooja says, “The secret of successful relationships is effective communication. But self-expression is where introverts lack. This becomes a major hurdle, leading to misunderstandings and conflict in the relationship.” In the case of an introvert dating an introvert, this doesn’t pose any real challenge because both partners understand where the other is coming from.
Dating an introvert can seem hard. Their tendency to bottle up can drive you up the wall. However, these 11 communication strategies can help you along the way. Once you make a breakthrough and connect with them at a deeper level, you will realize that having a relationship with an introvert is one of the most rewarding experiences.
1. Practice active listening if you’re dating an introvert
Active listening may well be the gateway to strong communication when dating an introvert, if you’re an extrovert. Introverts often feel that they’re not understood, which is why they learn to bottle up over time. So, how can an extrovert communicate better with an introvert partner? Here is how:
- When your partner is saying something, lean in
- Nod. Your body language reflects your interest
- Ask questions
- Maintain eye contact
- Keep the phone or the laptop away
Pooja adds, “This is an acquired skill and can be practiced with a partner over time to get it right.” In a world where most people hear but few listen, this can go a long way in helping you build a strong connection.
Related Reading: 100 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend
2. Weigh your words carefully
This study clearly explains it all in its title: The Language of Extraversion: Extraverted People Talk More Abstractly, Introverts Are More Concrete. It explains how extroverts are by nature talkative people who like to voice their thoughts as they pop into their head and use the other person as a sounding board. This can get both overwhelming and confusing for an introvert who tends to focus on facts. It helps if you make it a habit to weigh your words more carefully before speaking, especially when you’re both settling into the relationship.
3. Talk slowly and clearly
Pooja says, “Often when there is disagreement, people raise their voices or become aggressive. Some people speak fast as a habit and lack clarity. If the listener is an introvert, they would be left overwhelmed and confused.” Our two bits? Avoid a word salad. You must allow your introvert partner the space to take in and process their thoughts.
Studies show that introverts prefer intermittent communication, where they have time to reflect, rather than a constant flow. Try talking slowly, especially in overwhelming settings such as a party, and convey your thoughts in a clear, concise manner to avoid overstimulating your partner.
Related Reading: 13 Signs You Are The Selfish One In Your Relationship
4. Respect your partner’s need for privacy
One of the signs you are dating an introvert is their discomfort with bringing their personal life into the public domain. Respect their boundaries and allow them their privacy. As an extrovert, it might help you if you remembered that space in a relationship is not an ominous sign, and it is all right for them to want it.
Let them open up to you at their own pace. If there is something of a private nature that you need to discuss with your introvert partner, do it privately. Public conflicts can make anyone feel cornered, let alone introverts.
5. Share your thoughts in writing
Introverts tend to express themselves better through the written word than through one-on-one conversations. So, if you have been trying to get through to your partner with no success, try writing to them. Pooja says, “This allows introverts to go back to it again and again for more clarity. They may not like to talk much but will express themselves confidently and clearly in writing.”
Exchanging emails, texts, or even hand-written notes and love letters can be a great way to get an insight into their beautiful mind. This can be especially helpful if you’re dating an introvert long distance and want to show affection in meaningful ways. Long phone calls may be preferred by some introverts but video calls are just not a cup of tea for most.
6. Plan dates where you can talk freely
Personal space, quiet surroundings, privacy, and quality time – basically, their comfort zone – are the prerequisites for an introvert. So, when you make plans to hang out with your partner, keep these things in mind and pick a place accordingly. Here are some indoor and outdoor date ideas for couples:
- Indoors: A quaint café or an al-fresco dining setting works best if you’re out for a meal, for instance. There are no loud noises and enough space between tables for your partner to be able to talk to you without the nagging unease of being overheard
- Outdoors: A hike on a quiet trail or camping is always better than an open-air concert or a fair
Bonus Tip: If confused, just ask! Your partner will only feel heard and seen in the relationship if you ask them for their preference.
Related Reading: 15 Characteristics Of A Healthy Relationship
7. Give them room to talk
A typical introvert-extrovert conflict can take hold when one partner does all the talking and the other doesn’t get a chance to say their piece. This happens because extroverts tend to ramble on, whereas a reserved person in a relationship struggles to put their thoughts into words. Here are a few things you can do:
- Check the tendency to talk too much
- Pause between sentences to allow them to respond
- Ask open-ended questions to encourage your reserved partner to speak out and share more
- Give them more time to think over and respond, should they need it
If you are in a relationship with extreme introvert, you need to know this. And if you do end up in a conflict with each other, do not forget to abide by some fair fighting rules.
8. Don’t push for a response
Introverts take their time to mull over things and analyze them before making up their mind on a matter. You may be discussing whether to get pizza or Chinese for dinner, or contemplating a big life decision such as moving in together. If your partner says “let me think about it”, give them the time to think and respond.
If you push them for an answer or take offense at their lack of readiness to respond, they may withdraw completely. In such situations, it can seem like dating an introvert is hard. But you have to understand where they’re coming from to not let these natural personality traits become a sore point in the relationship. After all, dating as an introvert is hard too.
9. Steer clear of sensitive topics
You may have a million questions about your partner’s life. Their past relationships, insecurities, fears, and triggers. However, forcing them to open up about these is not going to work. You’ll only push them away by prodding and quizzing them endlessly.
Instead, focus on creating a connection strong enough for them to let you in. This does not mean that your curiosity does not matter. But remind yourself to approach some subjects with care. Communicate clearly what you want to know and why. Give them time to respond, and accept gracefully if they don’t want to open up yet.
10. Pick the right moment for important conversations
As your relationship progresses, there are bound to be conflicts and discussions on touchy topics. To make sure that these conversations don’t get derailed by your partner’s tendency to bottle up, pick the right moment. Time the conversation when they are in the right mind space and likely to be more receptive to your interjections and thoughts.
Be patient if you want it to go well. Pick a time when they are not overwhelmed with external stimuli, such as work calls or emails. Better yet, tell them you want to talk to them and ask them to get back to you at a time they are most comfortable with.
Related Reading: How Do You Know You Love Someone – 11 Signs That Say So
11. Pillow talk is your best friend when dating an introvert
Pooja says, “There is a reason why pillow talk is considered to be a boon for good relationships. Partners are at ease, have plenty of time at hand, and can express themselves in a safe space.” Want to get to know your partner better and know them like the back of your hand? Make pillow talk a ritual in your relationship. There is no better time and opportunity to get into some deep conversation topics than when it’s just you and them in the comfort of your personal space, without a single distraction to take the focus off the conversation.
Key Pointers
- Introverts are people who are energized by their internal world, in contrast to extroverts who are energized by their external world
- As per a study, introverts make up 50.7% and extroverts 49.3% of the United States general population
- Introverts need meaningful conversations, space, quality time, a slow and steady pace, and sensitivity from their partner in their relationships
- Distance allows people to view the relationship from a different perspective and gives them space to nurture their individuality
- Good ways to communicate with your introvert partner include being a good listener, talking slowly and clearly to them, communicating via writing, planning quieter dates, and letting them talk
Final Thoughts
The long and short of it is that patience is your biggest asset when dating an introvert. Almost all introverted dating problems can be handled if you just hang in there and allow them to reach out to you. Introversion is only a personality shade, just as extraversion is, and not an issue that needs to be fixed. Introverts have plenty to offer. They are one of the most sensitive, empathetic, and trustworthy partners. Their loyal and peaceful companionship can be a refuge for restless extrovert souls. Loving an introvert may not seem easy but you are lucky to have an introvert partner.
How To Ask A Guy Out? 21 Creative Ideas To Set You Up For Success
Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.
