I am suffering from two problems. One is an anxiety disorder and another problem, I think they are related
I experience the following:
I feel fear while going to school /tuition/college (ghabhrahat), or while sitting in the library I continuously think that someone is looking at me, whenever my friends join me for study I can’t remember a single chapter…
The problem gets worse.
When I am travelling in the bus and there are girls on that bus I keep my eyes down as I have a fear that they will tell everybody that I am molesting them or trying to touch them as those are the actual thoughts that continuously come to my mind. I don’t like thinking this way! Whenever I go to my real aunt’s home I get attracted to ‘even’ her! What is wrong with me! My eyes follow her chest or hips whenever she bends. I have to control myself from not touching her. Recently she caught me looking at her chest, so now when I go to her house, I am always afraid, guilty and end up stammering in front of her! She must be angry with me as she ignored me the last time when I touched her feet. But even then, I cannot control my gaze and take it away from her body.
I am feeling horrible. I tried everything to stop myself. I also tried nofap -in which you decide to not masturbate for some period but I relapsed after a mere 10 days on an online portal. I don’t want to be like this!
Related reading: ‘Lipstick Under My Burkha’ – You Need Not Be Ashamed Of Your Desires
I want to be like the big personalities from Bollywood and Hollywood. Like those heroes who are in complete control even when they have beautiful women in bikinis standing in front of them. I want to be like that too. In control. Please help.
What you have described is a common problem. It is a problem with obsessive intrusive thoughts and this condition can be extremely frustrating. Obsessive means they come again and again. Intrusive means they seem to overshadow all other thoughts and keep playing in your head.
In your case, these thoughts are sexual in nature (which again is quite common). Such thoughts are accompanied with excessive guilt and shame as we grow up being taught what is acceptable and what is inappropriate. When one gets such repetitive (sexual) thoughts about people around us or deities, the individual harbouring them ends up feeling shame and guilt. As the thoughts are triggered often enough and you have grown up being taught that sexual feeling are bad, especially for certain people (in your case an aunt), a cycle of shame and anxiety is formed.
When you had such thoughts for the first time, you must have become overcautious and since then every time you were in the bus or you saw your aunt, the thoughts came automatically- followed by the familiar guilt and shame. You then tell yourself this is wrong. I should not do this. How can I think like this?
Now that you understand what is happening to you, the next step is to fix the problem. For that you need to visit a Clinical Psychologist and tell them your problem in detail. Take help as soon as possible. Do not delay this.
All the best,