Is She Using Me? 19 Signs She Is And What To Do

The world of dating is a treacherous one. It’s filled with high-stakes moments, delicate social etiquette, and murky signals that can make it difficult to know what a new partner is thinking. Have you been questioning your girlfriend’s love for you? Do you stay up at night thinking to yourself: “Is she using me?”

Many struggle to find and keep girlfriends who are committed to them. This is especially true for someone new to dating, hooking up, and the world of relationships. It can be hard to know when a girl likes you or is just using you as a friend with benefits. We’re here to help you figure this out.

How Do You Know If A Girl Is Using You?

The art of dating is one that many people struggle with, whether it’s because they are shy or because the other person is not what they seem at first glance. Let’s say you meet someone and feel an instant soulmate connection with her. Her feelings, on the other hand, are far from sincere.

How do you know if a girl is using you to fill a void? What if she is using you for emotional support? The internet is full of stories like these. If you’re dating someone, and you have your doubts starting to pile up, it’s time you find out whether she is using you or not. Luckily for you, there are telltale signs that will let you know if a girl is just keeping you around for some personal gain. Here they are.

1. You’re not her priority

You don’t want to think that you are not as important to someone as they are to you. Even if you come to this awareness, it is natural to ignore or rationalize the signs at first. 

But it is harmful to stay with someone in the hopes that they will start treating you better and will make you one of the priorities in their life. You can learn how to tell if a girl is using you as a backup – A girl who is using you won’t put you first. She’ll only contact you when she has no other choice or needs something from you.

2. There is no emotional connection between you two

When there is a lack of emotional intimacy, your relationship may have an elusive air of distance, almost as if your partner’s actual emotions are never fully expressed. When a girl is using you to fill a void in her life, she’ll have little to no interest in fostering emotional intimacy with you.

This was wisely put by psychologist Nandita Rambhia: “It can be difficult to perceive a lack of emotional connection when one partner communicates more than the other. It may appear that someone is an excellent listener, but it’s not always the case.” So take a good look at your relationship. It’s possible that she simply doesn’t care.

3. She stonewalls you when things don’t go her way

Does your girl shut off all communication and refuses to cooperate with you when things don’t go according to her whims and fancies? If your answer to that is a yes, we’re sorry but you’re being stonewalled by a narcissist. The more serious aspect of stonewalling is this – when it is employed with intent, it is typically an attempt by a partner to dominate the relationship by not addressing any of your concerns. This hinders you from taking action. 

Related Reading: Trust Issues – 10 Signs You Find It Difficult To Trust Anyone

4. There’s a pattern of her canceling plans with you 

We’re not talking about one or two instances here. Look for a pattern where she will call off a meetup because her friend wants to go to the club. If you’re being repeatedly dismissed, it is a red flag. She is taking you for granted or she is using you to fill a void.

Here’s how to tell if a girl is using you as a backup. When a girl is genuinely interested in you and has to cancel on meeting you, she will invariably offer you an alternative date and time. The perfect way to work around this is to hold her accountable for it and notice her response. If she walks right over you, then she is using you.

5. You only meet her when she wants to

If the girl you’re seeing only wants to hang out with you during certain days and goes MIA on you the other times, it could be a huge red flag. This hot and cold behavior could mean some unresolved intimacy issues as well, but that’s a less likely scenario here. Does she prefer staying in when you two meet? If your answer to that is a yes, then it’s even possible that she is using you as a rebound. See if her presence in your life is inconsistent and if the only time you see her is during a booty call.

6. A sure sign she’s using you for your money – You’re always paying when you go out

Let’s say you go out occasionally. Are you always the one to pay? This may not happen as directly as one might think. Is she always running low on cash and promises you that she’ll cover the next time you go out? It never happens of course. This is one of the signs you are being treated as a standby lover.

You’re on the other end of the screen probably thinking to yourself, “So is she using me for money?” In a nutshell, yes. You can be sure a girl is using you as a cash cow when you’re covering for her all the time, and there have been a few instances where she’s even asked you to pay for her personal expenses.

7. “I find labels unnecessary”

Modern dating has multiple facets, and to tell you the truth, it’s hard. From being friends with benefits to being polyamorous, there is a lot going on in the dating world. It’s wonderful to be in a place where we’re all able to express love in the way that works best for us.

However, these are consensual and healthy relationship styles. If she’s using these labels to justify her ill-treatment of you, that is not okay. Here’s how to tell if a girl is using you as a backup – If you’ve been seeing her for a few months but she refuses to acknowledge the fact that you’re dating each other, it could mean you’re her backup. It’s also possible that she has unresolved commitment issues which she needs to work upon.

8. She could be using you if her future plans don’t include you

If you’ve been in a committed relationship, you’ll agree with me when I say that one of the best things about being in a relationship is building a life together. However, it can be just as painful if you’re the only one thinking about your future together.

If a girl is just keeping you around to make herself feel good, she’ll never include you in her future plans. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with casual dating but if you’re seeking a long-term relationship, you should put this across to save yourself further trouble.

Related Reading: 8 Ways To Get Out Of An Unhealthy Relationship

9. She gets defensive when you point out that your relationship is not balanced 

When a supportive, dedicated partner is unintentionally selfish, you’ll notice that they’re quick to apologize and make amends after you bring it to their attention. However, if a girl is intentionally using you, you’ll probably notice that she becomes hostile and argumentative instead.

She won’t discuss how the situation is unbalanced; instead, she will abruptly and furiously end the conversation since you caught her off guard. If a partner in a relationship is unwilling to hear the other person out, they’re sending a message that your wishes are not important to them. If you find yourself dating a narcissist, you should move on.

10. She’s not appreciative of the little things you do for her

Are you one of those people who finds meaning in the little things of life? If yes, then we can say for sure that you make an effort in your relationship and pay attention to your girlfriend. But have her recent actions left you wondering, “Is she using me?” Not being appreciative is one of the signs she is taking you for granted.

If the girl you’re dating doesn’t bother expressing gratitude when you do meaningful things for her, it’s because she assumes that you will always be around. This will sound a little harsh, but she’s come to expect that you will continue to do cute things for her. When reciprocation and appreciation are missing, you should walk away.

11. She’s always bad-mouthing her ex

Here’s a simple way to know whether your partner still has feelings for her ex or not: notice if she’s always bringing her ex up. Don’t get me wrong, we all have trash-talked our exes, but she seems to do it a little too often.

If you often find yourself in situations where she is talking about her ex, she is using you to fill a void that the ex has left in her life. If she’s always hung up on her ex’s way of doing things, any love you offer will go unnoticed. Whether you wish to be her rebound or not is your decision to make.

12. You’ve noticed her flirting with other people

Have you observed your girl flirting with others behind your back, or even worse, right in front of you? Then it’s a clue that she’s not into you and simply goes out with you for other reasons. 

Some girls need attention and validation from just about everyone. Research based on lifespan development theory links this constant need for being the center of attraction to insecurity. The reason behind her flirting with others should not be of any importance to you. Instead, pay attention to the thought in your head that asks you: “Is she using me to make her feel good about herself?” You know the answer, don’t you? 

13. Her presence in your life is inconsistent

Does this girl appear out of nowhere creating a sense of urgency to meet you, spend time with you, and then disappear for weeks? This is a classic case of her using you for emotional support.

Every time she starts to feel lonely or bored (maybe even both) she will be quick to reach out and make plans. You’ll have a good time, perhaps even make out, and then she’ll disappear for a while. If this has happened to you, you can be sure that she is using you to fill a void within herself.

14. Your friends have been warning you that she’s using you

If your friends have been warning you about this girl, you’ve probably already disagreed with them. What if they’re not wrong? What if the warning signs were always there and they saw it coming and tried to warn you?

Your close friends know you for who you truly are, they know what works for you (for the most part), and want the best outcome for you. If they had been warning you about this girl, you should consider their inputs again.

15. There’s discrepancy in what she says and what she does

Tell me if this sounds familiar, this girl will say all the sweet things and make you dream the best possible outcomes but never follows it up with action. When she says one thing and does another, it is safe to assume that she is not interested in taking this relationship anywhere. It’s one of the signs she is leading you on and toying with your emotions.

“I never meant to make you feel that way, I’ll be careful next time” and a few days later she is doing the exact same thing again. There is only one thing you need to know now – mixed signals are actually clear signals to set boundaries.

Related Reading: What Is Future Faking? Signs And How Narcissists Use Future Faking

16. Her exquisite taste doesn’t reflect in her personal life

What if we told you that there are people out there who are only interested in dating you as long as they get free meals and products out of you? When the financial gap between you and your girlfriend is really wide, questions like “Is she using me for money?” are natural to occur.

We want you to reflect on her spending patterns when she’s with you, and then see if it matches her personal life or not. If she’s convincing you to buy her a Dior bag while she carries a tote bag from the dollar store, perhaps it’s best for you to stay cautious.

17. Her family doesn’t know you exist

If you’ve been “dating” (at least in your eyes) for weeks or months and she’s been strangely evasive about letting you meet anyone in her world, she’s probably not as dedicated to the relationship as you are. One of the strongest indicators of commitment is introducing a partner to your friends and family. When she is apprehensive about introducing you to her family members, then it’s obvious she has relationship doubts and is hesitant to take this forward.

If a girl cares about you, she’ll always talk about you to her mother. If you’re interested in taking this relationship to the next level but her mother or a close confidante does not even know of you, then you’re in a difficult situation, my dear friend. When she’s preventing your worlds from meshing together, then it’s safe to say that you’re wasting your time with her.

18. She manipulates you to get her way – a clear sign she’s using you

We’re not talking about cute and harmless requests to pick her choice of restaurant over yours. Dating a manipulative partner can be damaging to your self-esteem. If you’re spotting signs of manipulation in your relationship, then you need to do something about it.

If there is always blame-shifting happening in the relationship, or she talks you down, tries to control major aspects of your life, and does all of this to make the relationship more convenient to her, you’ve got a problem. The manipulation is the reason behind your sleepless nights when you’re up, thinking to yourself: Is she using me or I’m a bad partner?

19. You walk on eggshells around her

As your relationship matures, you should feel more secure with your partner and not the other way around. Depending on how long you’ve been seeing each other, if you’re always worried about upsetting her, you’re in a toxic relationship. Additionally, if you’re feeling insecure and anxious around her because she points out your flaws all the time, it’s time for you to find a more worthy partner.

I think we can agree that the relationship has already hit a wall if you’ve reached a point where you’re thinking, “Does she love me or is she using me?” We hope that this piece has helped you see the signs if you’re dating someone who isn’t genuinely interested in you. Don’t waste your time chasing the wrong girl, learn to attract better, and recognize authentic love.

10 Signs Your Relationship Is Over And How To Deal With The Next Phase

8 Expert Tips To Navigate A Rough Patch In A Relationship

15 Signs Of Relationship Compatibility Between You And Your Partner