Men, despite their reputation, are not sex deprived animals who pounce at every opportunity. Sometimes he’s not in the mood to get it on, and it is not because he does not find you attractive anymore; refrain from throwing a hissy fit. But what if you are in the mood? You want to have hot primal sex on the kitchen table right now and he just placed a lukewarm kiss on your forehead and went back to his book! It can be very frustrating. What then should be done?
Respect his feelings
I completely understand that you had plans for the night and he just dumped cold water on your excitement. But you must understand that the tables could be turned. Would you rather have him try to convince you to have sex when you are not in a mood? That, on the other hand, might look like you are only worth the physical attraction. So instead of reacting to his refusal by feeling hurt and insulted, respect his feelings and keep your desire unsated for a little longer. Do not guilt him into owing you sex every time you are in the mood. Remember to place yourself in his shoes and question if you would feel comfortable to be treated in a certain way.
The routine life of work, daily chores and frequent sessions of love making has been given a chance to break into something different. Take it up and suggest a long night drive and have lassi at the dhaba you both used to frequent when you had started dating, or maybe challenge him to a game of FIFA. Bake a cake together or just ask him what he wants to do together. We often forget these small fun activities can be more emotionally intimate than a hot round of sex. Let go of your hurt ego that could not take the refusal easily and spend some quality time with your husband. Would you not have felt special if after your refusal to have sex your husband smiles and says “Okay! Let’s do something else then, I want to spend time with you”?
Is everything okay?
With your respective lives swept up in work, duties and responsibilities, you do not have the time to pay attention to the details. He is not in a mood, and it is a frequent occurrence. Recognise this is some stress or problem that is keeping him away from you. Have a talk with him, ask him about his work, if something in particular is bothering him especially. A lot of symptoms of disturbed emotional health go unnoticed, as we assume that it is something that we have done that is distancing them from us. It could even be a physical problem that he has been feeling uncomfortable to share with you. Whatever maybe the case, take this opportunity to have a discussion with him and find out if there is a problem that should concern you. If cheating is a fear that is lingering in your mind, give your intelligence some credit because you will easily pick hints from this discussion itself. So do not jump to conclusions, rather give him room to express himself. It might just turn into one of those memorable nights where you open up to each other even more and strengthen your connect.
In the end, know that sex does not validate the love you both share. It is a physical communication that one or the other might not feel inclined to indulge in at a given point of time. It is not a bigger deal than not feeling like talking and just sharing a comfortable silence. Over reaction is not going to help your relationship. Rather, mature understanding is a commendable response.Published in