(As told to Joie Bose)
In the last few years, I’ve been in many cities, for the nature of my job is such that I go to one place, set up a process for a few months or improve it and then move on. On a personal front it doesn’t help, for I ended up with many sleeping partners (and people call me a player even) but no one in particular was there for me on the emotional front. Until I met this one lady.
She said she was married
We began in my usual manner. We went out for a couple of drinks and then I invited her home and I was prepared to make out. It was then she told me, “I’m married.” I took that piece of information in and asked her what she wanted to do. She said she didn’t want to take it further and I was cool with it. Actually she and I hit it off really well. She was cool. She liked me. And we spent the entire night talking and laughing and drinking, and eventually we drifted off into sleep.
I woke up to find her sleeping still, her mouth a little open and she was making a wheezing sound. She wasn’t what one would call a pretty sight, but she was cute. An uncontrollable urge made me hug her and she hugged me back and I fell asleep again. She was warm and I liked the smell of her body. I called in sick that day. Her husband was the captain of a ship and was at sea. She didn’t go back home either.
Related reading: I had a crush on an older woman and it changed me
The sex was amazing
She loved sleeping. And even when it was 11 in the morning, she didn’t wake up. I wanted to go to the washroom and was breaking away from the hug, when she didn’t allow me. All the while she was sleeping she hugged me and locked me in a way with her hands and legs that I was unable to go. Awake, I saw her eyes. They were beautiful. I saw how her curly hair fell on her face. I saw how her fat lips fluttered like a little bird and smiled. Suddenly her eyes opened slowly and I don’t know if it was I or she who initiated it, but we kissed.
Oh gosh. The way she kissed, she would put Himesh Reshamiya to shame. We made love too. I was all up for making out and sleeping, but it wasn’t just that with her and hence I say we made love. And it was beautiful. I’m quite hairy and usually feel a little embarrassed because of my body hair, but it didn’t matter to her and I was fine.
We began meeting up quite often. We had beer. And danced. We had lunch. She wasn’t one who used to eat much food, but used to nibble on chocolates the entire day. She used to come over to my house early morning before anyone could see and we used to sleep. Literally sleep. Then we’d wake up and leave after kissing.
But it wasn’t just the sex
It wasn’t just physical. We did make love quite often, but it wasn’t simply physical. I can’t say I had sex with her ever; every time it was making love. And she had the weirdest way of expressing her feelings. She always said the opposite of what she meant. I could see in her eyes that this wasn’t really casual, what we were getting into, or rather had got into.
Related reading: “We’re in lust, not love,” she said
“What’s going on between us?” I had asked her one day and she had said, “We are fuck buddies.” I was a little shocked, but I was fine with it. More fine than her actually, for I’ve had that. As for her, I knew it was just a fancy term she had conveniently used for the actuality of what we were would be difficult to accept.
Fact was, she had a husband. I never even asked her about her family life and she was quiet. Was she in a tense relationship and was I a release? Was she in a loving relationship and was I just a time pass? But before I could ask, I was transferred to where I am now.
I had to move away
It’s been two months. But the reality of what we have is becoming more pronounced. I talk to her when I’m alone. I mean I talk to her in my head. She thinks of me quite often. More often than she tells me. We Skype often. Well, every day. I once went out with a girl here and we did sleep together. This was physical. I told her about it, for she insists we are just good friends all the time or that we are fuck buddies. And she was so very cool about it.
That night she had sex with her husband she told me later. How did her husband suddenly come? He was at sea. Apparently he came that morning. I was fine but a little part of me, though I won’t admit it, was not. The flow of our conversations became different ever since. I used to imagine her getting naked in front of another man. Another man would be touching her. This used to be a kinky thought. I had often thought of women I’m with being touched by another man and that had been turning on for me, but this time it hurt.
Related reading: How to make a long distance relationship work?
“This is not love”
I got pretty drunk and when she called it was suddenly as if all my anger melted away. “Fuck you!” I told her happily, happy that she had called and happy that she was there. Then in a drunken stupor I told her, “Damn when we say that to others it’s a curse but when we say it to each other it’s not! We can legitimately fuck!” That was the moment she told me “We are illegitimate and there is nothing legitimate about us.”
“What are we then?”
“We are honestly. Honestly you make me happy and peaceful like no one else.”
“Why don’t you say it, that you’re in love with me?”
“Because I’m not. This is not love.”
I didn’t press her. It’s tougher for her. She is still in the city where we happened. She still has to deal with whatever she has to deal with. I’m in a different place, at least.
We both know nothing can be done. Not only is she married, but she is from a different community, and she is also a lot older. These don’t matter when we talk, because she doesn’t seem married or in any way older when we are together. Plus, most modern cosmopolitan people talk in English, so language is not an issue. But somehow honestly, as things are, nothing can be done about the fact that we share an amazing connect. I’ve never felt like this before with anyone. She tells me she hasn’t either, and I believe her. You know, when we talk she is all calm and happy and when we don’t, her mental peace gets totally upset. While it becomes tedious for me to accept this, it also feels special. Do I matter to her that much?
It’s tough being apart
I’m forgetting her touch and her smell a little. She tells me to come over at times. But I don’t know. Should I invest my efforts in her when there is no future? She had once said that we will be like this forever. And the way she is, I know she will make this last, but for me, I don’t know if it’s wise. Sometimes I feel I’m addicted to her. Sometimes she feels like an itch (for I have to give her attention and time) and wish she would go away.
Last night I was down and depressed. Then she suddenly called me and I was full of life once again. The words she said and honestly when we Skype, the way she looks at me… A part of me knows this is love. A part of her knows this is love. But the dilemma still persists, what do we do about us? I don’t ask her, because I know what she’ll do. She will say, “What us? We are just good friends” or she will say, “We are fuck buddies.” Then later on she will cry. I don’t want her to cry. I wonder if long distance fuck buddies happen or not. Do good friends Skype every day and kiss on the computer screen pretending they are sitting together? I wonder why Destiny made us meet and made this happen… It sure is precious.